Thoughts feel so real right now. I have no reason to think this, literally I fall on almost all of the hocd symptoms. But my head keeps telling me that there is something off. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. When someone said “I know I don’t want to be with a woman and that helps” I DONT EVEN KNOW THAT ANYMORE. Everything is so confusing. People are going through the exact same thing, but my head keeps telling me that I might’ve different, that for me it’s “real”. My head hurts from all the crying and over-thinking. It’s been a month since this all started now. Why can’t it just go

I don’t like when people say that either. There is NO way to “know” for 100% sure. Implying that you should take comfort in the fact that you “know” you don’t want to be with a woman or you “know” deep down you’re a good person or you “know” that your hand is fine despite touching a doorknob is the CRUX of ocd!! We think we’re gonna get comfort by KNOWING and that’s all that matters. That we just “know”. This.is.a.lie. Stop testing and evaluating what measures you need to pass to disprove your fears. They are FAKE. Any “conclusion” you think you come to is driving you further and further into the web of lies that is ocd. There’s no “knowing”. Never. Don’t be on a mission that won’t end. You are okay, I promise. Find really healthy ways to deal with these anxiety spikes, and you’ll be on the road to recovery❤️

I’ve been through it as well! It can feel really horrible and disconcerting, totally ungrounding. It also helps me to say, “well, no one ever really knows” and try to get away from the obsessive labeling of gay or straight. I also feel triggered when others say “I just can’t imagine being with a woman” because for sufferers of OCD, of course we can make ourselves imagine anything. Once your anxiety subsides little and you stop searching for certainty, I’m sure you’ll feel more at ease and remember what it feels like to be attracted to men. The key is accepting the uncertainty.

Yes @m.a.d. You are so right! It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one going through these issues and feelings. Thanks everyone for the ERP advice! I’m about to start with my therapist so I’m excited and anxious what she comes up with but I will let you know!

When you take comfort in "knowing" that you're not gay or that you deep down you don't want to be with a girl, you are feeding the OCD. You're giving yourself temporary comfort and reassurance. You're breaking off a branch, but you're not attacking OCD at its root, so it's just going to grow back. I know you're really struggling. And that sucks. Having these thoughts & pain just sucks. But have the power to move forward, even if you can't see any reality except for what OCD has presented to you. You're actually in a good place right now to practice accepting uncertainty. Because unlike those who think they are sure deep down that they aren't gay, you aren't sure! And that's how you truly beat OCD! By accepting that you're not sure and that there is NO WAY for you to be sure in the way that OCD demands. I know this is so much easier said than done. It's not about getting it right every day or beating OCD overnight. Take on small step, then another. And never stop being your own cheerleader along the way.

*you have the power

Also I love the responses on this thread!! yay for supporting each other on a journey that we all know too well❤️

Amazing! Thank you so much! We don’t know and that’s why we question everything! Just like I don’t know I don’t wanna be with a woman, I don’t know that I don’t! I’ve never thought about it like that before!!! All the questioning is endless. Ps. Are you in recovery? Have you already gone through ERP?

Yes to what @Leah25 said a million times!

Exactly!! That’s a great way to think about it! I haven’t formally gone through ERP with a therapist (only one session where she told me what to do, I couldn’t afford anymore), but I practice it every single day. I’ve realized recently I’ve struggled with ocd thoughts and bodily feelings (symmetry) since before I can remember. (Does NOT discount your ocd if that just started recently or is only one theme). My ocd is really very bad in the 2 weeks leading up to my period but once my hormones level back up- it’s a lot easier to see clearly (cause I have more will-power to resist compulsions) I went through such a horrendous patch in February that honestly I feel like I’m in recovery from that, but I’ve dealt with ocd for so long I feel like every single day is a quest for recovery. Maybe you can be fully ‘recovered’, but I like to think that because it stems from our brains capacity to think of thoughts, it will always be something we have to decide to do (resist compulsions) but one day it will just be very very easy for us. This got really long winded but basically I’m just saying I’m doing better right now cause I’m not pms/pmdd-ing (less anxiety in general) and am better able to resist compulsions and see clearer. And @idont241, I can also say that yes, when you are not sick with anxiety and deeply lost in a tunnel of compulsions- your attraction to guys fully comes back just like it’s always been! Anyways I’m in it with you guys for the long haul!!! There will be really really good days, super confusing days, and days you feel like you’ve taken 1093781 steps backward. But then after that, I PROMISE- there will come again that great day. The day that reminds you of how incredibly strong you are and how worth it it all is.❤️

Thank you @daph234 and @applejaks! I’m trying to sit with the uncertainty. @idont241, I was asking if you’ve done ERP. What do you do to combat the OCD then?! Anyone really, have any of you guys gone through ERP?

Haha you responded before I finished typing lol

I just bought a mindfulness book for ocd by Jon Hershfield that I have heard really good things about- I’ll update you guys as I’m doing it!

Oh whoops! Well there ya go?

I’ve been EXACTLY where you are and I’m sure I will be again. But I think the fact that we share the same worries and have the same doubt shows that it’s the OCD trying hard to keep us worrying.

Oh the suffering. Why? Calm the brain down

I feel exactly the same way!! Mine has only been for 2 months and I don’t know anything anymore.

Thank you @leah25. Really helps!. And @sarahLynn, Idk if this was directed to me, but i am not doing any erp because i don’t really any good ones to start on

@sarahlynn something that I like doing is a small kind of hocd log. I write in there hocd symptoms, and some of my concerns. And I also love writing the supportive responses people give me here, I have a whole page full of it! Sometimes it’s easier to accept I the uncertainty. I do swimming, so that helps keeping my mind of things sometimes. Those are the things I do to kind of calm me down, but I just can’t find any good erp for hocd yet

ERP ideas I’ve heard (but haven’t used): rating women you see on attractiveness, writing an imagined scenario where you kiss a woman and like it, watching a lesbian themed movie, watching lesbian porn (most advanced). Build up from least scary to most scary and for all, make sure to give yourself time to sit with the anxiety until it subsides!

I have only rated women for attractiveness, all the other ones seem way too extreme I am afraid my ocd might later use them against me if I do them. I am scared they will bring me much more anxiety