Orientation OCD

Same omg yes I think unfortunately that my ocd makes me harm myself specificly my TOCD made it worse but yes when I hs my SOOCD I think the same thing

Thank you. It feels so isolating that I am the only one who knows I am having these thoughts, and the feeling this sense of deep questioning is the most confusing and depressing thing I have ever had to go through. These thoughts are making me feel as though I would truly be happier as someone else because of the fact that I am so miserable right now. Not to ask for reassurance, but because you are the only other person I have spoken to who has dealt with this, do you mind me asking how you got over it? And did you ever feel like these thoughts were genuinely making you think that you wanted to transition? I’m just worried that what I’m experiencing are symptoms of someone who is truly trans, not who has OCD. It’s like my brain is telling me that I have gender dysphoria and must be trans, even though I have never wanted that at all. I even feel like I am questioning the way people refer to me and see me, even though I have only ever wanted to be seen as a beautiful, feminine woman. I feel like my mind is telling me that the only way I will find relief is by coming out as transgender, but even if I did that, I don’t see myself ever actually transitioning or being anything other than a woman. I’m just so scared of what this means for me and my future

There is, I promise. ❤️

Welcome, sweet friend. First of all, please know that you are not alone. This has happened to others, including myself. Even your worst thoughts, even your darkest moments- there are people just like you who have lived that pain. OCD isn't a death sentence. I thought it was, but it isn't. You can still find and reclaim your identity for yourself. It takes time, and work, and patience. OCD is painful. It's so painful and there will be days where it feels like it will never end. Please believe me that it will. It gets better, little by little. Start by reclaiming parts of your identity that aren't tied to your gender or self image or sexual identity. Start with hobbies, music, art, etc. Make time for reading your favorite books and drinking your favorite teas. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the you that you are fighting to be IS the REAL YOU. The way that you feel about the idea of being trans is is painful and uncomfortable and makes you feel awful- being authentically yourself should not hurt like that.

@Scooterino Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I am having such a hard time feeling these thoughts and the more I focus on them, the more they seem to reflect what I actually want, even though I cannot fathom the idea of being transgender. My mind has tried to convince me of every single memory in my life being a lie and has come up with so much “proof” as to the fact that I am transgender, but I don’t understand how this could happen when I haven’t always felt like this. The more I have these thoughts, the more they make me question everything I know. I cannot even look in the mirror without wondering what I see and who I am, and I feel like I am losing every sense of myself that I have ever known. I just want to be me again and not feel like these thoughts reflect some “epiphany” or “truth”. It just feels like denial and I feel like a fraud every time I talk to anyone in my life. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to change anything about my life and cannot even picture my future anymore because these thoughts have completely taken over.

I felt this way initially, but now it’s like transitioning would make me feel better?? I don’t want to be transgender, but my mind is telling me that I would rather be a man even though I can not actually bring myself to make any changes because I want to stay a woman. It’s just so scary because it feels like I like these thoughts and I cannot even decipher what I like versus what I don’t anymore. Like now every time I see an attractive man my mind tells me that I want to be them, not be with them, even though all I want is to be a straight woman. I am so anxious that the only thing that would make me feel better is to come out and transition, but the thought of being transgender and telling me family and changing my life in that way is horrible. I just dont know what to do

I also have started to question what pronouns I want to go by, which makes no sense because I have only ever gone by she/her and have only ever wanted to be seen as what I am—a woman. This just all feels so real.

@cf05 You said it yourself- you DONT want to be. Not that you ARE and don't like it, but that you don't want it to happen to you at some point in the future. Those are different things.

@Scooterino It does feel real, but it isn't. OCD is so sinister that way. I promise you, if it brings you this much heartbreak, it's OCD. I'm so sorry you are suffering but I know things will get better. You just have to trust that they will and hold on to hope.

Nope! ERP did nothing for my OCD. Only EMDR was helpful. I have tried every medication, every therapy, and only EMDR has helped me.

I did! I even experience gender euphoria looking at myself in the mirror again! ☺️ Now I just have to get through my HOCD 😁

My TOCD was triggered by a couple of things: I had a mild concussion right before the pandemic hit and then while I was in quarantine a looooot of my friends in my online cosplay/gaming communities started either coming out or transitioning or changing their pronouns. I was proud of them but then I started getting paranoid- if I hang out with exclusively queer and trans people, am I also going to figure this out about myself? The paranoia led to nightmares led to obsessions. And I totally get the HOCD thing! I have no problem being bi- I've identified that way for a while- but when I got engaged to my partner (a man) I started to obsess over whether I'm a lesbian in denial. And it just keeps getting worse. But I know it will get better! It has to.