My grandmother just patted me on the head, which I realize is a sign of affection, but I HATE when people touch my head. I feel like I will gain all the “bad” from them and that my head will lose intelligence. Now I can’t stop compulsing.

I’ve tried to tell my grandma how bad I feel, that I’m scared that I am a bad person and she tried to reassure me by telling me "as long as you don’t have thoughts about harming people then it’s okay" but I do have very bad intrusive graphic thoughts/images and since then I’ve been feeling even worse. I don’t know what to do, all I’ve been doing since our call is thinking even more about it, reading every pure o article ever written and feeling very anxious when I don’t have the same symptoms as a diagnosed person. I feel hopeless, my brain is literally trying to kill me. I know I’m not supposed to be reassured but I just needed to get that out because I can’t say anything to my family and friends, and it’s driving me insane. I’m so scared of my own mind.

Okay this is going to sound VERY weird. But please it’s effecting my health and I need ways to stop this compulsion before it gets really bad. Btw I’ve had this compulsion since I was about 8 or 9 years old (I’m 24). Every night I have 2 prayers I repeat for almost 20 mins. One prayer in particular is praying for my health, my puppies health, and my boyfriends health. Before I pray for my health I pray really really really hard by applying pressure to my head and then I continue my little prayer and pray for my lungs, my stomach, breasts, butt, skin, etc while I touch each body part. Then I put pressure to my head and pray for my teeth. Then I put pressure to my head and pray for my eyes. And then I pray really really really hard and put pressure to my head and pray for my puppy and boyfriend. It’s gotten so bad I get a headache by the end of prayer and it’s hell if I keep messing up and have to completely restart my prayer. I do this EVERY night. EVERY night for almost more than a decade and my prayers have only gotten longer and added more compulsions to it. Please please help. It’s getting irritating and I’m dreading every night when I have to pray!!!! 😫😫😫 please don’t judge idk why I do this I just need to to make sure my prayer is the way I need it. I guess I have this compulsion where I feel the need for God to understand this prayer is really important to me so I’m showing him by inflicting pain on myself. Idk I’m weird and have weird habits and compulsions related to OCD. Just please help. 🤦🏻‍♀️🥲 I also am so embarrassed I haven’t told anyone this my entire life until I was just recently diagnosed with severe OCD, I thought it was normal. I’m embarrassed to do this in front of my boyfriend (I don’t want him watching me in the corner doing my little ritualistic prayer and touching my body like a crazy person)

I just got in a very heated argument with my controlling grandmother, and I’ll admit I acted like an absolute @ssh0le. I’ve been struggling with obsessive thoughts way heavier than usual the past few days and after the argument, I went upstairs feeling some guilt when suddenly I started obsessing over God taking something from me because of it. I then got a random thought I guess I’ve confused as my own… I thought “God take my abilities” and that’s literally the LAST thing I’d ever want. That was where my ocd started getting bad was back when I started thinking he would take from me. Now I fear that because I acted like that with my grandmother, and then came upstairs and thought “You can take my abilities” that He will. I don’t see a way out of this one, atleast not tonight