OCD is suffocating

Is it possible that I’m so tired of ocd or that I’m so exhausted of it that I just feel like I don’t care about anything anymore? Or that the most important thing that I was fighting for (my relationship) since ocd started I just don’t care about it anymore and feel nothing about it. Like I completely lost myself in it, I lost my identity. But the bad thoughts are still there and because I feel so numb the thoughts feel even more real like that is my reality and this is more like a feeling than a thought. And the worst part is that I have rocd and every time I think about my bf my brain connects him to all the suffer I went through even if it’s obviously not his fault but is it possible that I really don’t love him anymore because my brain automatically connects him to something bad? I’ve started to feel this way a week ago, everything went pretty well for us before it, I didn’t have feelings or thoughts like this but from now my brain tells me that I don’t want to be with him anymore which is crazy because he was everything to me, everything I was fighting for but it feels so real. I feel so burnt out. I feel like there’s no way out of it this time and im going to feel this way forever. Please help! Is it normal to feel this way? Or I just changed so much that it became my reality?

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

I usually try to stay positive. But the past few days it’s just been hard for me. I just find it really difficult for people in my life to understand how debilitating ocd can be . It feels like people belive I should be able to do more or be just be over it by now. I honestly need support but I don’t really feel like I have it in my daily life. Recently my ocd has just been really big on contamination. To the point where my house feels like one big trap. I’m trying to get better but I feel like no matter how much effort I put into getting my life back. It just feels like I’m in quick sand…not getting anywhere. OCD has taken so much away from me. I just want my life back. I’m trying my hardest. Ugh It’s just been tough. The outside world hasn’t felt safe for months so it’s caused me to isolate and now my own place doesn’t feel safe. I’m just struggling tbh. I just neededto let that out and be vulnerable tbh 😕