This feels weird. I feel like I’m gay, and when I “accept” My thoughts I don’t feel good or pleasure, just this weight on my chest. Like my mind says “okay you’re gay see” but when I think of me in gay scenarios I feel no pleasure at all. Yet I lost my attraction to women. My mind still says I’m gay though I feel nothing towards men. But it appears my attraction to women disappeared as well. What is this? Why did I used to have extremely mad anxiety over gay thoughts and now that I finally faced my thoughts I feel nothing as well? Like seriously what is this. I used to be girl crazy like to another level. Now I’m not attracted to women at all apparently but when I “accept” my thoughts and say ok I’m gay, I feel nothing towards men either. Is this still ocd? And why when I do have anxiety with gay thoughts it seems like I AM attracted to men. I don’t understand this. Do any of you have any experience and share some insight?

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?

I have been dealing with pure ocd since October and I have been at a really low spot. I am a male and I have always been straight and only liked women. One time while I was watching porn I felt myself get aroused when the male was pulling down his pants. I got really anxious and was ruminating on what that this means. Does this mean I am gay or bisexual? This went on for a while. One day I wrote down on a piece of paper I just have to accept being gay and the anxiety and the pressure in my head got so much relief and I felt so much better. This feeling lasted for a little bit and then the anxiety picked back up again. I feel like most of the time I am not ruminating on am I gay? I just feel like I am so conscious of being anxious and I want that feeling to go away sometimes. Sometimes this feeling goes away on its own and I do not do anything to make it go away. However once I realize that I am thinking again the anxiety picks back up. It’s like I have a fear of being conscious of thought and I don’t know why that scares me so much. A lot of the times I don’t feel like I am thinking about anything I just feel like my brain is clogged and stuck. When the anxiety gets really bad sometimes I say In my mind I just have to accept being gay and the anxiety goes away. This is confusing because I wasn’t ruminating about being gay, it’s just when I tell myself that the anxiety goes away. This anxiety is almost 24/7 and there is not really a thought that sparks my anxiety it’s like i am just so aware of being anxious. My therapist tells me I have to stop ruminating but once I become conscious of thought I have no idea how to become unconscious of thought if that makes sense and it drives me crazy. Does anyone relate? And does anyone have any suggestions?