Am I struggling with ROCD and questioning my love for my partner?

Thank you so much! I just got this app and for the longest time I thought it was just me. So thank you for making me feel validated !

Yes, sometimes I do. I will get into moments where I will completely want to shut down. But I remember that those moments I have with my boyfriend, where there is fun and excitement and I feel nothing but love towards him is REALLY how I feel. The moments I don’t feel those feelings towards him are almost always when I’m have ocd episodes and intrusive thoughts. And I try to remind myself that after experience the distress of ocd.. our bodies are tired. I know for me I experience immense emotional tension and feel drained like I just ran a marathon. So naturally I know it’s hard to feel good when those things are happening and I’m also learning that THATS OK !!

@Gracie521 i feel this way too! it’s EXHAUSTING thinking so much sometimes. Even my own therapist says “girl there is a war going on in your mind” .. it’s easy to fall into a trap by thinking of good memories when I’m feeling horrible.. but when I feel horrible, I have to feel it. If I reassure myself to check on my past, it will only feed the cycle. I want to try this with myself.. next time I feel anxious I will simply state that I feel anxious and it sucks, but it will pass. No checking my relationship, myself, my partner, nothing. The feelings will pass eventually and it can be done without reassurance

@Gracie521 How do you do it? I can't even recall any happy memories, I feel an absolute fraud in my relationship. During moments of physical intimacy, sometimes I get icks and they feel genuine which makes me want to end the whole relationship. My last one felt real because I didn't feel distressed over it. I don't know if it's normal. Idk if people who are in love are allowed to feel icks. Or of this is all one big excuse in my head. Can an OCD thought be associated with no distress?

@Sero82 I think that’s where your ocd might be trying to trick you. Or where you might be trying to trick yourself… feeling no distress over an ick = loving you partner and not caring about their flaws. For me when I’m filled with intrusive thoughts my partner makes me feel more “icks”. But when I’m happy, he might do the same thing that would usually be an ick if I was having a bad episode but I will look over it like it was nothing because that’s just something he did and I don’t care, I love him. My mother told me that there are things my dad does that make her “ick” but she looks over it because she loves him and just doesn’t care. I think that might be the moment when you are more calm when he does something that you would usually ick at but don’t. I believe that’s a good thing.. not bad. That’s how it is for me personally

@Gracie521 I wish I had the mental control and resiliency that you do. That one lack of reaction to an ick made me spiral and made me feel like I had no romantic feelings and was bound to end the relationship. I ended up confessing it to him. The thing is I don't want to leave him, but I don't get how feeling that way and thinking to stay with him coincide.

@Sero82 Trust me the same thing happens to me, I’m fortuinite enough to where I’ve kinda always known I’ve had some sort of ocd since childhood. So these types of feeling have been happening to me all through out my life. So it’s easier for me (sometimes) to be able to be like.. “ok this is ridiculous I can’t imagine my life without him, he’s amazing to me and makes me so happy” what I try to do is separate thoughts vs. my reality. Because we all know with ocd thoughts seem to effect our feelings and makes us mistrust ourselves. For me, this is the best relationship of my life. I grew up with unpredictability and chasing my parents love, I went after men who kinda were the same way. I idolized them and viewed them as amazing people but at the end of the day.. they all did me wrong. My current bf have shown 0 of the signs or similarities of my parents relationship or of any characteristic I would usually go for ( bad stuff). So I can look at myself and be like “my brain is doing this to keep me safe, this is new, this is for the first time a HEALTHY relationship. I’ve never experienced this type of love before and this is why my ocd is popping up” because my bf is someone I love dearly and ocd attacks things important to you. I’m no expert I’m still learning as well, but these are the tiny steps I try to take, but trust me I still have very bad days, ok days, and scary days.

@Gracie521 I am the same. My parents relationship is my no means any example, but the weight of their judgement is something I carry in my relationship. This is my first relationship and we're going on to 3 years. He's as amazing and shows no comparison to my parents' characteristics similar to yours, but I have never been able to feel emotionally present like you have. He's affectionate, and patient, and considerate, and funny, and loving... I feel so much guilty for not being emotionally connected and present as he is. He's been able to say "I love you" but I have not bc there's no way I'd disrespect him by saying something so strong and not be able to feel it even though I want to. This stupid, ridiculous ick is getting to me because I felt like it was actually genuine and not a part of any intrusive thought. I felt no weight on me after I felt it, and maybe it really was real, but what bothers me the most is my thought process after of leaving him. I've never understood the disconnect from my romantic emotions to him out of no where. I don't know if others experience it. All of this is very scary to me and I don't want to make a stupid decision. This combined with depression mixed in with some anxiety... it honestly tears me between an emotional storm and emotionless state and neither ever seems to be at the right time.

@Sero82 people who are in love can feel anything. Please check out @anxiouslovecoach on YouTube!

@Gracie521 I relate to this comment so much. wow. it’s so important too that context matters. for anyone reading this and is scared about Icks.. if you’re already anxious and you feel an ick.. well duh you’re anxious! Of course you’ll stay stuck on it. sometimes though, I’ll be feeling normal, my partner will do something and I’ll feel an ick/anxious thoight and THEN I’ll be really scared. Because… I was feeling fine! Wtf happened? It’s those moments that really scare me

@Klynn2700 Do you think it's normal for an ick with ROCD to lead to you feel nothing about having it when normally you'd be distressed over it?

@Klynn2700 For me personally I think icks are like human nature. You’re not gonna love EVERYTHING your partner does right? Like I feel like that can be unhealthy, to never notice anything kinda cringe about your partner. I think because we all have ocd, our brain takes it to another level. Because Ocd is like the popular girl in highscool, it always needs attention and will make up whatever to get it.

@Sero82 honestly a big thing I see with OCD and ROCD is this numb feeling. Our bodies become used to (sort of) the anxiety we feel, it’s not as fresh sometimes so sometimes we feel anxious and instead of feeling traditional physical sensations or strong emotional responses, we just feel plain. stressed, but plain. and that often freaks me out more sometimes because then I’m like omg I’m not stressed about that thought, it must be true then!

@Klynn2700 This is a very good explanation, really captures my experience too.