Ugh, I went to my therapist today and she said in the last minutes of the session: No, but who knows. Some people with forty years or something discover their sexuality is other. We are here to stop make you obsessing and worrying. The theme is not important, so who knows. And it's like "thaaaaank you", know Im afraid for all the week with this in my head. What a bad way of portraying it, seriously. I know it is true and that is okay, and I know who I feel about it but these thought only make my rumination go wild. In some way is important to choose your words. She is great and all but sometimes I CAN'T.

i went to therapy today and i told her about the lack of feeling i gave with my boyfriend, when we do anything, and all the anger i feel for no reason and she somehow told me im not sure i didnt understand it that , it dosent make sense that i want to love him but i dont feel love and i feel disgust when we kiss and thinngs and that i cant accept the truth????? like she is telling me i have lots of fear in me and im telling her im scared that i dont love him but this relationship is making me feel sad and uneassy when i want to be happy and calm bur i kept telling her all of this is bc of the thoughts and she told me that the thoughts are suppose to ease ar least when i am with him… i didnt tell my bf i wrnt to therapy bc he thinks they only want money, and that they can help me but i hav to help myself, and last time i went to therapy i wasnt feeling better and he is wondering how i wasnt feeling any better and that its strange to him to do “steps “ like this bc they only want money. And i left more confused and sad because she confirmed my fears somehow? i dont understand. im just scared i dont actually love him and that i only put high expectations on this relationship and i cant accept the truth. She told me , after i told her i always told people that these thoughts are not true bc they felt out of place, that we can say one thing and feel one thing and i felt like she was telling me again that these thoughts are real. I know im sad and miserable but i dont want to be like this, im scared that i iust matured and i simply dont love him

I talked to my therapist about the emotional disconnection I feel in my relationship — how I often feel nothing when I’m with my boyfriend, how I feel irritated or even disgusted during intimate moments, and how all of this creates constant fear and sadness in me. I told her that I want to love him, that I used to feel more, and that I believe my thoughts and reactions are part of something deeper — like ROCD — not necessarily the truth. But she said something like, “It doesn’t make sense that you want to love him but don’t feel love,” and suggested that I might just be lying to myself and need to “accept the truth.” That crushed me. I kept explaining that these thoughts feel obsessive, that they don’t align with my values or how I see myself — that they’ve taken away my ability to feel joy or peace. And yet, I left with this terrible fear that maybe she’s right, that maybe I’m just in denial. She even told me that I have two choices: accept that I don’t love him and stay while lying to myself, or leave. And that… that made me feel like she was confirming my worst fear — not helping me explore it safely. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to lie to myself. I just want clarity, and peace, and the ability to feel again. I also didn’t tell my boyfriend about the session, because he’s skeptical of therapy — he thinks therapists just want money, and that I have to “help myself” if I want to feel better. I kind of get where he’s coming from, but it still makes me feel a little alone in this. I guess I’m posting here just to say… I feel really lost right now. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is ROCD or just the truth I’m too scared to accept

I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!