Honesty, I don’t know if this is going to help more or not. Part of me doesn’t want to let go of my ocd tendencies. I don’t want to stop counting, organizing, cleaning, obsessing. It scares me.
We all feel that way, nobody wants to let go of the seemingly safest way to deal with the "danger" based on our brain, but we have to, because brains make mistakes, brain malfunction just like computers. It's almost like downloading a faulty antivirus, you have to uninstall it, even if you've paid a lot of money for it.
Thank you so much for saying that. I’m new to this and kinda scared to face everything. Makes me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of dealing with my issues face on and facing the fear makes my skin crawl. I appreciate the positive outlook.
@Anonymous I feel you, sadly erp is one of the most painful mental health therapies, but at least it guarantees recovery. Many people succeeded and live fulfilling lives!
@Anonymous How I can relate! I had my first session and waffle back and forth if I want to keep my next session or cancel it. Don't know if I want to go through it.
@AnneMarie I can say, this app is seriously nice. I’ve never been in therapy where I’m able to connect like this. Seeing everyone’s posts solidifies my fears and stressers.
You can do it! It helps me to visualize my ocd in different ways (whatever works for you): a bully, a needy child, an alarm with the wrong settings etc. It likes where it is, and when we challenge it/no longer give it energy (by resisting compulsions+learning to accept uncertainty), it's gonna cry and scream and throw a tantrum (make the urges/obsessions temporarily worse). But as we keep it up, our brain learns we don't need to listen to that misguided friend to feel safe. I'm still in the early stages of ERP. One thing I mentioned to my therapist was feeling weird when I had nothing to currently worry about. Something that should be relaxing was so foreign it ended up uncomfortable. But I want to get to the point of not needing that "safety blanket" of ruminating. It sounds like you might be having a similar feeling about your own obsessions. Remember, the price for that comfort is our joy. It's the time spent completing those rituals that we could instead be doing actions that align with our values (spending time with loved ones, hobbies, self care, etc.) We can all do this. I know change is scary, but expanding our world is worth it. Remember how brave you are when you're doing ERP.
Many thanks for all that you wrote. It is scary when I think about what therapy might be like and my ocd becoming worse. I'm not sure I can handle it. But I will keep coming back to the community here and talking about it. Deep inside, I want to get well. It's my ocd telling me it isn't worth going through being worse for a while. Maybe if I keep reading and posting I will gain the courage to be in ERP therapy. I'm so glad you posted and took the time to address my concerns. It is very kind of you.
It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.
I’m thinking about doing erp but my ocd is so severe the thought of accepting my fears happening to me makes me sick to my stomach. I also believe in the power of my words and saying I accept this Bad thing will attract it into my life. I’m not sure what I should do🥲
Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.
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