- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I believe this is called a checking behavior. There was a post on here I saw of someone who was terrified they would hurt their dog. One time they put their hands around its neck gently to check and see if they enjoyed it to make sure they weren’t a sociopath. They obviously didn’t enjoy it, it just made it worse, similar to you. When they told their therapist; that’s what he called it. A checking behavior. A form of compulsion.
- Date posted
- 6y
I do highly recommend you tell your therapist so you can work on it together! He’ll be able to help
- Date posted
- 6y
Sorry to post here again. I’m just having a hard time. No one seems to understand what I mean by intrusive actions or opposite actions. Actions that are the opposite of what I tell myself to do. It’s nothing ‘major’ but they’re still destroying my life as it’s like ‘what will I do next’. I posted on another forum and got a really nasty reply and now I don’t know where to turn
- Date posted
- 6y
I feel as though I commit actions due to my intrusive thoughts which I would call opposite actions. But I’m at the stage where it’s depressed me so much that I also feel I can’t take anymore. Whether it’s saying something I would tell myself not to or feeling as though I’ve been rough with my beloved cat (even though he’s always fine) and I have cheating OCD which makes me constantly worried and obsessed with my actions like flirting with co workers etc as me cheating on my amazing boyfriend is possibly the worst thing I could ever do. So I feel as though I commit ‘opposite actions’ if that’s similar to what you mean? I struggle finding someone who always feels this way
- Date posted
- 6y
I’m a bit confused by what you mean in terms of opposite actions because it seems like you’re doing the things you’re afraid of just in a WAY lesser way! Unless I’m reading that wrong. And no I actually did something
- Date posted
- 6y
I guess that’s maybe one way of describing it, maybe. Just remember that everyone makes mistakes and the fact you feel guilty over it shows you are not a sociopath. But I do understand when you mean you feel you have gave in to the thoughts at times
- Date posted
- 6y
How do you think you gave in? Are you sure it wasn’t some form of compulsion? Sometimes it can be very difficult to separate compulsions and obsessions, especially when you’re feeling very anxious. Also, the fact that you are so against your obsession makes me find it hard to believe that you acted out your fear the way you think you did.
- Date posted
- 6y
No I did act out on the fear, unfortunately. I did it because it got to the point where I thought I could kill myself or do said thing and see if I liked it and if I did that would mean I was a sociopath and I could just live out my life secretly doing said thing. Well I realized VERY quickly after that I did NOT enjoy it and have now hated myself on a level I can not even BEGIN to explain to anyone including my therapist.
- Date posted
- 6y
I feel what I did was worse than “gently putting their hand on the neck” it was a sexual thing. I feel like I ruined my soul.
- Date posted
- 6y
I do agree that it was a checking thing though! Never heard of that before but that definitely describes what I did! And why I did it. I just feel it went too far.
- Date posted
- 6y
I feel like it has convinced me I’m a sexual monster so it didn’t help
- Date posted
- 6y
Well even though I don’t understand I get it in feeling alone. It took me a long time but I finally came to this conclusion...just because majority of people would think you were a monster/horrible person because of something you did, does NOT mean you are. It just is that majority of people have a lack of understanding of mental illness, OCD in particular. An older (not literally old, just not my therapist anymore) therapist I had told me this, that it is good to talk things out with people to relieve yourself of the mental and emotional burden, like how friends tell friends of something that is troubling them so they can get input and help. But when you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder you have to be incredibly careful with who you tell things to because most people do not UNDERSTAND, and then their reactions can have a negative effect on your wellbeing, and can seem like confirmation in your mind that you are as bad as you think, but you’re not!
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)
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- Date posted
- 19w
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
- Date posted
- 19w
Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.
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