Some days I just feel weird. Life feels weird. I think it happens when I over think what I’m doing too much. It feels like I’m on the brink of a panic attack but I don’t know why. It’s a very weird feeling.

Today was just too much. While doing coding, I couldn’t understand one code logic and my brain got completely stuck. I felt like screaming loudly but didn’t want anyone to hear me. Then the milkman brought the milk, so I thought I’ll boil the milk and make some green tea, maybe I’ll feel better. The sugar I was going to use had ants in it a few days ago. I had kept it in sunlight and the ants ran away. Now every day I take out just the amount of sugar I need and lightly clean it, just checking if there’s a dead ant or not. But today I brought the sugar into the light to clean it and ended up just cleaning and cleaning. I saw tiny black dots and started picking them out. When I looked closely at one of them, I felt like it was ant droppings. Then I started cleaning it deeply, probably spent half an hour just cleaning four spoons of sugar. I kept thinking I should just throw it all away. I even imagined myself throwing it away multiple times. My mind was so disturbed but I controlled myself thinking all my effort will be wasted. Then I thought—if one day I’m alone in a jungle, and there’s a dog eating a dead animal, or a dog eating another dead dog, and I haven’t eaten in days—will I try to scare the dog and eat the dead animal? Yes, I would have to. And what if there’s no water to clean it? Still, I would have to eat it out of helplessness. So after all this, I finally relaxed a bit and put the sugar into the milk. And decided that tomorrow I’ll buy new, clean sugar from the shop. I don’t know what all this is... Is this overthinking or am I becoming mentally ill?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with, especially around making decisions. It’s really hard for me to feel confident in the choices I make, even when I know what the right thing is. I constantly find myself needing validation from others—whether it’s about something small or something really important. For example, at my job, I might know exactly what I’m doing and have done it right a bunch of times, but I still feel the need to double-check with someone or ask if it’s okay. It’s like this fear kicks in, and I start imagining worst-case scenarios—like what if I mess up and someone gets hurt, and then I get blamed or even end up in jail or prison. I know that sounds extreme, but these thoughts just come automatically, and they feel so real in the moment. This has been going on for maybe a year or two now. Even outside of work, the same thing happens. Like recently, I’ve been trying to figure out a gym schedule—my girlfriend wants to go with me, and I’m trying to plan the times and make it all work. But instead of just choosing what works best for me, I overthink it. I go back and forth in my head, and I ask other people what they think, even though deep down I know this is something I should be deciding for myself. It’s my life, but I still need that reassurance from others, and I don’t really know why. It’s exhausting to always doubt myself and to feel like one wrong choice could lead to something terrible. I’m trying to work through it, but I just wanted to put it out there and see if anyone else deals with this or has advice. Thanks for reading.

i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing