This is an exposure for me. I’m terrified to comment. I only hit “share”, “submit”, etc. with sweaty palms and a racing heart. And, only when it’s unavoidable. I seek reassurance from family. I ask them to read my emails and proofread my essays. But I feel dependent on others and I hate that. Recently, I challenged myself to comment on a FB post. “That’s lovely” is all I wrote. It wasn’t a controversial statement, but it caused me to feel intense anxiety symptoms. So, believe it or not, this comment is a huge step forward for me. And, hopefully it isn’t the last!

I used to post my art online a lot, and I was so proud of it. But the last year or so, my OCD has been making me feel like I don't deserve to post because "no one would support me if they knew how flawed of a person I am." Today, I got a message from a stranger saying they missed seeing my art and wished I would start posting again. It was soo damn nice, and I wanted to be happy about it, but my fears immediately hit me hard. Would this person still want to follow or support me if they knew everything about me? Of course, my therapist pointed out that there are sooo many people out there who post constantly and have no problem asking their supporters to help them, and surely they're also flawed people, but they don't let it hold them back. I know I'm only human... but I've seen so many people gain success, only to get knocked down, and it terrifies me. This is probably my biggest internal struggle. Sometimes, I want to give up art completely, but the little kid in me who dreamed of being an artist is saying, "Why are you giving up on us?" I feel kinda weird posting about this, but I hope you guys get where I'm coming from. If anyone has any insights or thoughts on this topic, I'd reeeeally appreciate them.

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

Hey everyone, I just wanted to share something I’ve been struggling with, especially around making decisions. It’s really hard for me to feel confident in the choices I make, even when I know what the right thing is. I constantly find myself needing validation from others—whether it’s about something small or something really important. For example, at my job, I might know exactly what I’m doing and have done it right a bunch of times, but I still feel the need to double-check with someone or ask if it’s okay. It’s like this fear kicks in, and I start imagining worst-case scenarios—like what if I mess up and someone gets hurt, and then I get blamed or even end up in jail or prison. I know that sounds extreme, but these thoughts just come automatically, and they feel so real in the moment. This has been going on for maybe a year or two now. Even outside of work, the same thing happens. Like recently, I’ve been trying to figure out a gym schedule—my girlfriend wants to go with me, and I’m trying to plan the times and make it all work. But instead of just choosing what works best for me, I overthink it. I go back and forth in my head, and I ask other people what they think, even though deep down I know this is something I should be deciding for myself. It’s my life, but I still need that reassurance from others, and I don’t really know why. It’s exhausting to always doubt myself and to feel like one wrong choice could lead to something terrible. I’m trying to work through it, but I just wanted to put it out there and see if anyone else deals with this or has advice. Thanks for reading.