Help please   I’m writing this even if I don’t know weather I really suffer from a mental illness or I’m just a real monster,narcissist,sinner,.. i’m writing it while i don’t know wither if I’m really suffering and dad or I’m just numb i just wrote it because i will explode if i stay silent...when i was young i have no friend only some of my older brother’s friends they are really bad they had sex with me soo many times and when i grow up I continued having sex with my gender without feeling any shame or guilt and it reached that i had sex one time in a church and i didn’t feel guilty after it...in this period of my life one i was sitting in my aunts house and i slept beside her with all sexuall thought in my head as if a monster or an uncontrolled animal... but in some point i stopped all of that i promised myself not to have sex with boys anymore and i should be a new human...and time passed and life was soo good and i never remimbered the old life and mistakes i did in the past... after this period my bestfriend died of cancer and i felt nothing!!! I felt numb!! I didn’t fell sad !! But i overcomed this by saying that i can do nothing about it ...until i knew the most beautiful girl when i see her beauty inside, her morals,her pureness, i feel like I can’t even deserve to know her...she loved me but she didint know any of these things ..but I became a new human snd i will not return to who i was again ...but my brain didn’t let me .. a devil’s thoughts started to came to my brain.. sexuall thoughts about any thing in this life..mom,dad,brother,a baby, a child,dog,cat even my dead best friend,martyrs of church,anything  I think sexually about god about everything and i feel it and sometimes i feel that i’m who bring these thoughts or feel that i have a really bad imagination that imagine things these way..and i thought in extremes so every time a bring extreme thing like all these thoughts...my culture is so religious and good people who love and respect i feel that i don’t deserve life ..how dare me to think these thoughts andd sometimes i didint care much  ..my community is far away from these and i feel like I’m the only person between them .. the worsest of then didn’t do one thing that i did.. i’m comparing my self with them and i always lose no one did what i did no one think what i think Not just sexual thinking in different bad ways that’s makes me afraid that is not ocd  i look at people as heroes and all i wish to be one of them.. I’m really a perfectionist and all of the way opposite to anything perfect i see myself as the worst..i hate feeling that i dont care i hate all of these nightmares... i destroyed all the things love relationships,purity even a death for my bestfriend that all his friends still love and respect and remember ... also I remember that I didn’t love before or know what is love.i’m a mess  .all i know that I don’t wanted to be a monster or do make all of these mistakes Or to be a mess i want if i’m w monster to turn to a good human and if i’m numb and have no feeling to love and respect.. if I’m narcissist I respect others and care for them..if i’m the devil itself to turn to a good human being i just don’t want to be this bad but word (if) just a dream and i cant do anything   I feel like I don’t know what is love so I don’t love and there is nothing real soo that’s why these thought isn’t ocd ,these thoughts because you don’t love your dad or mom or your friend so you think of them that way i reallu don’t understand anything I’m sorry.

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

I am not going to answer that question. Not because I do or do not accept you, but because that’s a form of reassurance seeking. That reassurance feeds OCD and intrusive thoughts. And I wouldn’t want to do that to you. I’m sorry you’re feeling so shitty! Everyone on here can relate to feeling numb and scared and alone. Do you have access to therapy? If not, how about buying a book? I think you could benefit from “Self-compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself” by Kristin Neff. Cause boy oh boy do you deserve a little self compassion right now!

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

Hey there peterifa ?? Do you have access to a therapist? Can you find one soon? A one on one session with an ocd and trauma specialist could really help you. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. It sounds like you come from an abusive and traumatic background. And I think you deserve a little slack. Can you give yourself some? What you’re going through isn’t easy.

Optimistica

Date posted: 6y

Hey, you're a good man you don't deserve this and you can overcome it but not this way. Could you just read again what you wrote and think again? I think you will see that you're pressing yourself, which makes obvious to anyone that you are suffering but you are not a bad person. You are complaining man! That means you don't deserve to feel this way so nothing bad about you just think of it as bad thoughts that you need to be cured of. And I really suggest you should see a thyrabist. I agree with pure o life, you grew up in a bad environment and that's bad but you should try to get better, not to punish yourself. I hope you get better. ❤️

tetros

Date posted: 6y

I love you just pray for all who need

Optimistica

Date posted: 6y

And about feeling numb or feeling nothing about your friend, freud said that if you dreamed of one you care about died and you didn't feel anything and then you hate yourself for not being sad, that you realy care about that person and you will be sad if he died. I think that is similar with you but in real life not in dreaming so don't feel sad about it you just don't see the real problem maybe you were depressed or something then, Idk but I feel something is wrong in here and you didn't solve it. ? Try again bro, you can overcome that?

tetros

Date posted: 6y

I really appreciate your words thankyou soo much❤️

tetros

Date posted: 6y

Pure o life can i ask you a question!

tetros

Date posted: 6y

Do you accept me as a human? As a good one after all this? Do you accept me as brother?.. do you believe that I deserve to live as anyone?

tetros

Date posted: 6y

Sometimes I feel nothing and that scares me more

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