Help please 

I’m writing this even if I don’t know weather I really suffer from a mental illness or I’m just a real monster,narcissist,sinner,.. i’m writing it while i don’t know wither if I’m really suffering and dad or I’m just numb i just wrote it because i will explode if i stay silent...when i was young i have no friend only some of my older brother’s friends they are really bad they had sex with me soo many times and when i grow up I continued having sex with my gender without feeling any shame or guilt and it reached that i had sex one time in a church and i didn’t feel guilty after it...in this period of my life one i was sitting in my aunts house and i slept beside her with all sexuall thought in my head as if a monster or an uncontrolled animal... but in some point i stopped all of that i promised myself not to have sex with boys anymore and i should be a new human...and time passed and life was soo good and i never remimbered the old life and mistakes i did in the past... after this period my bestfriend died of cancer and i felt nothing!!! I felt numb!! I didn’t fell sad !! But i overcomed this by saying that i can do nothing about it ...until i knew the most beautiful girl when i see her beauty inside, her morals,her pureness, i feel like I can’t even deserve to know her...she loved me but she didint know any of these things ..but I became a new human snd i will not return to who i was again ...but my brain didn’t let me .. a devil’s thoughts started to came to my brain.. sexuall thoughts about any thing in this life..mom,dad,brother,a baby, a child,dog,cat even my dead best friend,martyrs of church,anything 
I think sexually about god about everything and i feel it and sometimes i feel that i’m who bring these thoughts or feel that i have a really bad imagination that imagine things these way..and i thought in extremes so every time a bring extreme thing like all these thoughts...my culture is so religious and good people who love and respect i feel that i don’t deserve life ..how dare me to think these thoughts andd sometimes i didint care much 
..my community is far away from these and i feel like I’m the only person between them .. the worsest of then didn’t do one thing that i did.. i’m comparing my self with them and i always lose no one did what i did no one think what i think Not just sexual thinking in different bad ways that’s makes me afraid that is not ocd

i look at people as heroes and all i wish to be one of them.. I’m really a perfectionist and all of the way opposite to anything perfect i see myself as the worst..i hate feeling that i dont care i hate all of these nightmares... i destroyed all the things love relationships,purity even a death for my bestfriend that all his friends still love and respect and remember ... also I remember that I didn’t love before or know what is love.i’m a mess 
.all i know that I don’t wanted to be a monster or do make all of these mistakes Or to be a mess i want if i’m w monster to turn to a good human and if i’m numb and have no feeling to love and respect.. if I’m narcissist I respect others and care for them..if i’m the devil itself to turn to a good human being i just don’t want to be this bad but word (if) just a dream and i cant do anything 
 I feel like I don’t know what is love so I don’t love and there is nothing real soo that’s why these thought isn’t ocd ,these thoughts because you don’t love your dad or mom or your friend so you think of them that way i reallu don’t understand anything
I’m sorry.

I don't even know if I should put this here, but I have the greatest girlfriend in the whole world, and I love her very much, but my thoughts keep saying I'm going to hurt her, so I can hurt God and idk what to do, I feel so disgusted and idk what to do, and the worst part is why does some part of me just not even care idk what to do anymore, it's almost like I'm turning into this horrible person and idk what to do, I'm really not sure what to do. I have really been able to be happy I just feel like I don't deserve it and I want to care about people and God and I want to be a good person, but a part of me shuts off my caring nature and idk what to do, I'm really freaking out because it's like IDC and idk what to do I just feel so nasty and scared because why don't I feel like I care. Why does it feel like it's something I wanna do idk, what to do I'm really freaking worried. Also I don't want OCD but a part of me says I need it or I like these thoughts and idk what to do, as im writing this i just feel like laughing and idk what to do, i really judt want jesus to hug me and say everything will be alright, i am such a monster....

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.