Reasons why HOCD doesn’t make sense: -having my first crush on a boy in kindergarten (his name was Jon and he was tan with dark hair and I loved him) wait actually before kindergarten I had a boyfriend in pre-3 I loved him lol I forgot -first grade through seventh grade having a massive crush on the same boy because there were only 6 boys in my private school class and evidently he was the cutest I was recasted when he moved schools in the 8th grade -started dating the “it” boy on my swim team in 8th grade(he even tried to leave me for this other girl..I hated her) -saw sixteen candles for the first time! Jake Ryan oooolala -broke up with my 8th grade boyfriend because I was going into high school and we lived very far away from one another and evidently I saw all the boys that were going to my high school needless to say I was in love...the leg hair...the arm pit hair...the smell of their sweat after practice...thinking about it now that’s kinda gross but the mature boys who had leg hair and armpit hair and a bit of a five o clock shadow always struck my attention because I thought they might be more mature and obviously were more hot! -having a crush on this boy named Cameron who was the HOTTEST person to ever exist god! We would go to football games and I would always try to stand right next to him...he was exceptionally flirty and ALL of the girls liked him obviously so getting his attention was hard at times but you know I strived for it anyway! -having my first episode of HOCD due to lack of attention and confidence my freshman year -HAVING NO HOCD the next three years of high school -having a thing with a boy named jack sophomore year and being heart broken when he ends things -I swore I fell in love with a boy named carson the beginning of my junior year...ahh the ray band the brown hair the old Jeep his style I loved him I swear...he ended things with me I was heart broken for an extremely long time! -having a thing with a boy named Jackson end of my junior year but having him end things with my for another girl (I hated her) -falling in love with a boy named Hayden going into my senior year...losing my virginity to a boy named Hayden my senior year...getting ROCD over a boy named hayden my senior year..crying because I didn’t know it was ocd...watching 50 shades freed wishing my boyfriend was Christian grey -getting over ROCD -graduating high school while still dating my boyfriend -breaking up with my boyfriend because we go different colleges -meeting the hottest boy named will in Cabo...omg -having sex with your exes bff because he’s too hot to resist (wow I’m so sorry) -talking to a boy named cole who was the coolest and the hottest person alive...no one else mattered...getting sad when he would leave you on read and when he posted a snap story with another girl! -GOING TO COLLEGE BABY!!! Meeting a kid named Zak who had already slept with the entire cheerleading squad but being completely unaware cause you had gotten to college five minutes before you met him and was unaware that “talking” to him would get me shunned from having any female friends on campus because he was a “player”...continuing to sleep with him after that because he was hot...so hot -meeting Andrew, I was unaware of the affect he would have on my life when I first met him...he was my neighbor in the dorms he’s in the army he’s 6’2 and has tattoos I love him I love him I love him, he’s at air assault school right now and I’m at home... -the end part of May I felt the Demon of HOCD creeping back into my life...prior to this I was obsessed with working out eating right, looking hot you know? I had to look good for the military ball! Well that was over so my mind was like well now what do we have to obsess on and the little bitch raised her hand and said “obsess about me you haven’t for awhile” so obviously I go to the gym unaware of what’s brewing in my mind and I see this very thin tan tall girl who I strived to look like and my mind says “you’re a lesbian” meanwhile I’m like “fuck are you kidding me this again oh my god” I then go back to my dorm room proceed to have a panic attack and there it was “HOCD” clear as day to anyone who wasn’t in my brain...I didn’t understand how this could happen I didn’t notice girls I loved my boyfriend and that one really y’all toned guy in the gym was so hot and the boy that was on stage from the football team that had a beard was so cute and I loved beards and the football team ooo La la...it doesn’t make any sense! How could i a girl who was notorious for loving boys and never even considering girls as sexual beings could come down with HOCD again? I don’t know ocd is super weird and even now when I think Im getting over it there’s still this impending doubt in my mind that I’m lying to myself like there’s some hidden Zoe just in the depths..it makes me doubt the things that make me happiest.. it feels so real... This is what I know: -I know I want a husband and children...I know I want to grow old with a man and laugh with a man and buy a house with a man. I know that. -I however do not know why OCD has to constantly torment me -I doubt I even have OCD all the time but every now and again the ocd cycle will break and I will be like “what the hell was I so worried about...you a lesbian...not a chance” and then my mind begins to obsess again and then I begin to think it’s real I find myself thinking “it’s not OCD this time, it’s the real deal” like what does that even mean? I miss the excitement of a boy following me on Instagram, I miss being able to scroll through Instagram without wondering if I am attracted to this or that girl..I miss getting sad when a boy would leave me on read...I miss the excitement of a boy asking to hang out for the first time..I miss the nervousness of the first kiss..I miss the anticipation of the next one. I miss my desire for men. I miss looking at my boyfriend and pinching myself because he’s MINE. I miss getting ready to go out with my friends that are girls and texting the boys were talking to at the time and helping each other pick out outfits to hopefully impress the guys. I miss talking to my mom about my boyfriend like he’s the best thing that ever happened to me (he is). I miss going out in public and not even looking at girls and if I did, I wouldn’t think anything of it! I miss piece of mind knowing that I am attracted to men! I miss the pure joy of snap chatting a boy and him sending his face back even if there’s no conversation happening! I miss myself most of all. She was pretty cool. She was fucking awesome man, but she’s not here. I miss her. God fucking damn it I miss her.

Hey everyone. I wanted to share my story and some of the things I have/am experiencing in my journey with OCD- particularly with Sexual Orientation OCD. My goal is not to use this as a means for reassurance for myself or for any other, rather as to be a reminder for myself and you all that you are NOT alone. No matter what you are experiencing you aren’t alone, and we have all gone through the same thoughts and feelings as you, in whatever form they may have been. For personal reasons I will not share my name, but I do want to share about me and my journey with what has truly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I am a 24 year old female and for as long as I’ve remembered I’ve always been a “worrier”. My dad used to tell me that worrying will be the fastest way I’d die lol. Oh! How I wish I could go back to those days of just simply worry. For the past few years I have struggled with what I now know is intrusive thoughts. But, luckily for me they were a little calmer than what I’ve experienced now. They were the occasional worrying that my boyfriend died but I would get over it rather quickly. Well, in may of 2024, I had just graduated college, was about to get married and about to move out. So, that triggered some switch in my brain and thus began this horrible disease of OCD. My main type has been SO-OCD but I have found some moments that I’ve also struggled with ROCD as well as some existential crisis OCD. I have unfortunately not been able to go to therapy because of money but I am on meds and have been using tips and tricks I’ve found online. My goal is to still go to therapy when I can find the right time. And I, like many of you have months of great “freedom” from the disease; and then, like I find myself now, fall back into its trap. I wanted to share some of the things I’ve experienced with this to see if y’all have experienced the same things and to let you know you are not alone. For reference, I am straight (I am happily married to my wonderful husband). 1. Thoughts from the past: I slightly remember having a thought that I’d be gay when I was around 12-13… that was around the time I actually first figured out what that meant. Even then, I (more easily than now) brushed it off. Continued to have about a million crushes on boys and never thought of it again. But now, with my OCD, I feel “convinced” that that was a sign that I was gay. 2. I have always been a girls girl. Me and my friend have a joke that we are worse than men! Meaning that when we see a pretty girl with a nice body, we stare. We say they are pretty. Never have I ever thought anything of it. It was always from a place of envy and admiration. Never a place of lust or anything along those lines. But NOW. OH! If I even look that direction I feel guilty, I feel like that’s confirmation that I am gay. And even worse- that is one of my compulsions. To look and make myself “prove” I’m not gay. 3. I have lost “feeling” for my partner. I love my husband. More than anything else. I could not live without him. But since this all happened, my emotions and fears have been all over the place that I’ve somewhat lost that feeling. It doesn’t help that I’m on medicine that can have that effect. I have to just remind myself that love isn’t always feelings, it’s a choice. And I choose him every single day. 4. sex life issues: bc/ of the OCD fear as well as my medication, I don’t have much sex drive or pleasure in the bedroom as I did before OCD… and, my OCD likes to convince me that that is because I would be better off with a woman (even tho I don’t want that) and then, OH THEN, I proceed to experience some groinal sensation from that though. So- cue even more “proof” that I am gay. well- that’s all I can think of now. Let me know if any one yall struggle with those. And I hope you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OCD 💚

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.