Reasons why HOCD doesn’t make sense: -having my first crush on a boy in kindergarten (his name was Jon and he was tan with dark hair and I loved him) wait actually before kindergarten I had a boyfriend in pre-3 I loved him lol I forgot -first grade through seventh grade having a massive crush on the same boy because there were only 6 boys in my private school class and evidently he was the cutest I was recasted when he moved schools in the 8th grade -started dating the “it” boy on my swim team in 8th grade(he even tried to leave me for this other girl..I hated her) -saw sixteen candles for the first time! Jake Ryan oooolala -broke up with my 8th grade boyfriend because I was going into high school and we lived very far away from one another and evidently I saw all the boys that were going to my high school needless to say I was in love...the leg hair...the arm pit hair...the smell of their sweat after practice...thinking about it now that’s kinda gross but the mature boys who had leg hair and armpit hair and a bit of a five o clock shadow always struck my attention because I thought they might be more mature and obviously were more hot! -having a crush on this boy named Cameron who was the HOTTEST person to ever exist god! We would go to football games and I would always try to stand right next to him...he was exceptionally flirty and ALL of the girls liked him obviously so getting his attention was hard at times but you know I strived for it anyway! -having my first episode of HOCD due to lack of attention and confidence my freshman year -HAVING NO HOCD the next three years of high school -having a thing with a boy named jack sophomore year and being heart broken when he ends things -I swore I fell in love with a boy named carson the beginning of my junior year...ahh the ray band the brown hair the old Jeep his style I loved him I swear...he ended things with me I was heart broken for an extremely long time! -having a thing with a boy named Jackson end of my junior year but having him end things with my for another girl (I hated her) -falling in love with a boy named Hayden going into my senior year...losing my virginity to a boy named Hayden my senior year...getting ROCD over a boy named hayden my senior year..crying because I didn’t know it was ocd...watching 50 shades freed wishing my boyfriend was Christian grey -getting over ROCD -graduating high school while still dating my boyfriend -breaking up with my boyfriend because we go different colleges -meeting the hottest boy named will in Cabo...omg -having sex with your exes bff because he’s too hot to resist (wow I’m so sorry) -talking to a boy named cole who was the coolest and the hottest person alive...no one else mattered...getting sad when he would leave you on read and when he posted a snap story with another girl! -GOING TO COLLEGE BABY!!! Meeting a kid named Zak who had already slept with the entire cheerleading squad but being completely unaware cause you had gotten to college five minutes before you met him and was unaware that “talking” to him would get me shunned from having any female friends on campus because he was a “player”...continuing to sleep with him after that because he was hot...so hot -meeting Andrew, I was unaware of the affect he would have on my life when I first met him...he was my neighbor in the dorms he’s in the army he’s 6’2 and has tattoos I love him I love him I love him, he’s at air assault school right now and I’m at home... -the end part of May I felt the Demon of HOCD creeping back into my life...prior to this I was obsessed with working out eating right, looking hot you know? I had to look good for the military ball! Well that was over so my mind was like well now what do we have to obsess on and the little bitch raised her hand and said “obsess about me you haven’t for awhile” so obviously I go to the gym unaware of what’s brewing in my mind and I see this very thin tan tall girl who I strived to look like and my mind says “you’re a lesbian” meanwhile I’m like “fuck are you kidding me this again oh my god” I then go back to my dorm room proceed to have a panic attack and there it was “HOCD” clear as day to anyone who wasn’t in my brain...I didn’t understand how this could happen I didn’t notice girls I loved my boyfriend and that one really y’all toned guy in the gym was so hot and the boy that was on stage from the football team that had a beard was so cute and I loved beards and the football team ooo La la...it doesn’t make any sense! How could i a girl who was notorious for loving boys and never even considering girls as sexual beings could come down with HOCD again? I don’t know ocd is super weird and even now when I think Im getting over it there’s still this impending doubt in my mind that I’m lying to myself like there’s some hidden Zoe just in the depths..it makes me doubt the things that make me happiest.. it feels so real... This is what I know: -I know I want a husband and children...I know I want to grow old with a man and laugh with a man and buy a house with a man. I know that. -I however do not know why OCD has to constantly torment me -I doubt I even have OCD all the time but every now and again the ocd cycle will break and I will be like “what the hell was I so worried about...you a lesbian...not a chance” and then my mind begins to obsess again and then I begin to think it’s real I find myself thinking “it’s not OCD this time, it’s the real deal” like what does that even mean? I miss the excitement of a boy following me on Instagram, I miss being able to scroll through Instagram without wondering if I am attracted to this or that girl..I miss getting sad when a boy would leave me on read...I miss the excitement of a boy asking to hang out for the first time..I miss the nervousness of the first kiss..I miss the anticipation of the next one. I miss my desire for men. I miss looking at my boyfriend and pinching myself because he’s MINE. I miss getting ready to go out with my friends that are girls and texting the boys were talking to at the time and helping each other pick out outfits to hopefully impress the guys. I miss talking to my mom about my boyfriend like he’s the best thing that ever happened to me (he is). I miss going out in public and not even looking at girls and if I did, I wouldn’t think anything of it! I miss piece of mind knowing that I am attracted to men! I miss the pure joy of snap chatting a boy and him sending his face back even if there’s no conversation happening! I miss myself most of all. She was pretty cool. She was fucking awesome man, but she’s not here. I miss her. God fucking damn it I miss her.

Username: crazyfeelings crazyfeelings

Date posted: 5y ago

See some of that scares me because I can’t really remember my crushes when I was younger I mean I thought boys were really cute I always have. I’ve never really been boy crazy and that scares me. I mean hocd doesn’t make since and it doesn’t affect me that much anymore. I do remember I was obsessed with the boy from the kissing booth omg he was so cute. I also liked the Curly haired boy from high school musical. I had a hugeeee crush on a boy in 6th grade, I imagined me and him dating in high school. I daydreamed about him allllll the time. This is embarrassing but I remember I made a sims family of me and him (I was weird?) I guess that all is proof. I mean I’m only a sophomore in high school so I still have more boys to come. Also right now this boy is texting me he’s really cute and sweet. But right now I can’t tell if it’s a crush. He’s funny too ughhh hocd is so confusing??

Username: ItsgonnabeokayItsgonnabeokay

Date posted: 5y ago

Omg the guy from the kissing booth ? so hot!! I was more of a troy Bolton gal myself but all of my attraction towards men seems watered down rn idk how to explain it and I even had a crush on my guy cousins which is so weird but I was very young I didn’t know that like that was a thing that you don’t do lol it sounds super weird...on top of that I had huge crushes on my brothers friends it doesn’t make sense

Username: ItsgonnabeokayItsgonnabeokay

Date posted: 5y ago

And as for being a sophomore girl! You got a lot of boys in your future, its exciting but don’t get mixed in with the wrong one otherwise you’re gonna have more problems than just Hocd

Username: crazyfeelings crazyfeelings

Date posted: 5y ago

I liked Troy Bolton too! Yeah attractions very confusing. Also I’ve had many boys play with my heart so that could be part of the reason I have hocd. I’m at the beach right now and I’ve seen sooooo many hot boys? I can still tell that I like boys it’s all just weird idk

Username

Date posted: 3y ago

Wow relate to some of this

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: anotherocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Username: Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?

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