Note taking/low self esteem

Hello, I’m new here. I don’t have a formal diagnosis, just sharing my experiences with my obsessive thoughts. The only compulsion I really have is note taking. I feel the need to hoard most of my thoughts and write extensive to do lists, even scolding myself in notes like “be better!” or “STOP being the way you are.” When driving or unavailable to write things down, I have to repeat the thoughts in my head so I won’t forget until I can “save” them. Does anyone else have any experience with this fear of forgetting/not living the perfect life? My notes also revolve around anything someone might causally mention, taking turmeric for example. Will I ever incorporate that into my routine? No, but I write it down just in case because otherwise I’m convinced I won‘t live a healthy, fulfilling life. This all started when I lost a relative and also my house. I wonder if those losses made me subconsciously afraid to lose more? I don’t know. On the bright side, my current medication has been helping my depression. I am able to function and get out of bed, for the most part. But when I am in class or work, I have such crippling self doubt. I don’t feel like I am capable of anything. I don’t trust myself with any tasks. It really gets me down, my thoughts just spiral and I can’t see myself being able to hold down a job that involves working with people…that leads to more note taking of how I can improve. I get such anxiety if I don’t know every little thing there is to know, necessary or not. I get so caught up in it that I can’t even do the bare minimum I DO know without messing up. Even my class notes are full of irrelevant notes from my obsessive thoughts that appear during a lesson, and a girl that sits near me laughs because of how crazy my notebook looks.

Username: kierrajoy20kierrajoy20

Date posted: 1y ago

I have experience with what you first mentioned! I used to like… have rabbit hole thoughts I’d compulsively write down in my notes, convinced I had to remember and “figure them out”. It was mostly things like how to improve myself, how to stop being a shitty person, etc. I think ocd can make us punish ourselves due to this shame at the bottom of it. Wanted to let you know that theres nothing wrong with you and who you are and where you’re at is totally okay! Its also okay to not have all the answers about yourself, i think ocd wants to know FOR CERTAIN xyz, but its never enough. Something that has helped me is just trying to sit in the uncertainty and feeling the feelings of discomfort that arise from that. I feel like all the distractive thoughts on how to improve kind of stem from that simple being unable to sit with how we feel. I believe you are so much more capable than you give yourself credit for :)

Username: Erin PErin P

Date posted: 1y ago

Welcome. I’m glad the meds are helping your depression but what you describe sounds like OCD to me. Not only can OCD cause compulsions like excessive note taking but also endless doubt and anxiety. ERP can really help with all of this. Stressors like loss can trigger OCD and may or may be related to how it manifests. You might find a few short YouTubes useful and informative- Reid Wilson’s The Noise in Your Head.

Username: briarosabriarosa

Date posted: 1y ago

Thank you both so, so much for reading all my rambling and for your thoughtful replies! It’s a relief to hear someone else can relate to this. Obviously I knew I wouldn’t be the only one, but I’ve never directly heard anyone else’s experiences so closely aligned with mine. You both have a strong sense of awareness on the matter and have helped me understand myself better. And I appreciate the YouTube recommendations. May I ask what ERP is? Hope you are both well. ❤️

Username: Erin PErin P

Date posted: 1y ago

@briannalopic Exposure Response Prevention. Doing what you fear - starting with the least scary- and sitting with the uncertainty and anxiety without doing compulsions or obsessions until the anxiety goes down. The YouTube will make this concept clearer.

Username: briarosabriarosa

Date posted: 1y ago

Sorry this is so long, I feel a strong urge to get this all out there. I have trouble sleeping sometimes too if I don’t write out what I need to do. Even something as simple as showering in the morning requires a note.

Username: briarosabriarosa

Date posted: 1y ago

I also tend to just scream in my notes like “ahhhhh” I’m not kidding. Ok I’m done. I 😳

Username: briarosabriarosa

Date posted: 1y ago

This also extends to conversations too where I need to repeat questions or plans numerous times to people, even if they aren’t part of the plan. Like I’ll tell my mom multiple times “ok on Sunday I need to do ___” or “you know to do this ___, right?” and she gets so annoyed (understandably so) So so sorry this is a mess. Idk if it’s ocd or not, but something is really not right with me.

Username: Erin PErin P

Date posted: 1y ago

@briannalopic In school I highlighted textbooks then took notes on the highlights and then a 3rd round of notes. I get up sometimes two or three times after I try to go to bed to write notes for things I’m thinking about. I have a note to remind myself to shower and do laundry. You’ve made me realize this is a compulsion I still do. With all the ERP I’ve done this is helpful info for me because it isn’t my core OCD and I can do what I need to. Thank you for this.

Username: koreanvelvet

Date posted: 6y ago

First post, new here. I’ve always thought that I have OCD since I was in 7th grade. I am 22 now and actively trying to take steps to treat it myself because I don’t have money for therapy and my parents don’t believe I have it. I think I suffer from Magical Thinking. A (stupid but true) example would be how I collect phone cases. I buy really cute ones and then I put one on and the whole day no one texts me so I take it off because I think it’s the case doing it and it gives me anxiety so I switch back to this main one that when I use it I get texts and it makes my anxiety go away. I do this with a lot of my things so for years I just haven’t been able to wear or use certain things or even take a different way home for fear that abc or d might or might not happen. It’s very debilitating to feel like I can’t change anything about myself or my life because it gives me anxiety thinking that if I change this or that then I might die, or I might not have a good night, or so and so won’t text me, etc. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’ve never told anyone about it just something that consistently eats away ate my brain and has been forever. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

Username: Sunshine&Dai...

Date posted: 1y ago

New here

Hi there! I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 17 but never really understood it. I never knew there were so many subtypes of OCD. There are things that I do that I knew were OCD related like intrusive thoughts, excessive counting, and excessive organization. I used to take medication for it but I was young and didn’t think I needed it so I stopped taking it. As of lately, I’ve been going through a lot of stress and anxiety. I was already flirting with the idea of therapy but felt I had a good handle on life and told myself I could get myself through most issues, but lately I’ve even stressed and overwhelmed so I finally decided to make an appointment. In my therapy research I began doing more OCD research as well and realized that a lot of my life centers around OCD. I always thought it was just anxiety or feeling unsure about myself but after doing this research I’m starting to think my OCD is a lot worse than I thought it was. Sometimes I write an email at work and read it over several times to make sure I didn’t make a mistake, every night before bed I check several times that the stove/oven are off and that the doors are locked because I’m afraid my family and I will die overnight, I’ve come to learn that the counting makes me comfortable and that my cleaning and organizational preferences aren’t just “quirky”, I’ve learned that avoidance is a symptom of OCD which has also affected my work, when my loved ones are sleeping I always check to see that they’re still breathing, I reread directions several times to make sure I don’t miss anything or make a mistake, I press the lock button on my car several times even if I’ve already heard the beep, unread notifications on my phone make me anxious because I’m worried someone is trying to tell me bad news or someone is threatening me. The list goes on. I’m definitely interested in seeking more treatment and learning coping skills but I’m afraid it will change me as a person. I like who I am, what if I manage my organization skills and then I become too messy or I stop checking directions or things I wrote and I make too many mistakes, etc. I think I have to keep reminding myself that treatment will make me more comfortable in my own body and mind and that it is definitely a good choice and a step in the right direction. I really didn’t expect this post to be this long 😅 but getting all of this off my chest feels good! I’m open to any advice and/or words of encouragement. Thank you for your time

Username: Ancient-1

Date posted: 1y ago

Memory troubles?

I feel like now I have to record what happens to me/details of situations that trigger anxious episodes in order to have the "memory" in ink so I can't confuse it later when the rumination comes in. It has to be specific as I can possibly manage, down to date and time. I have done this as journaling, but I usually did that at the end of the day, but now I feel like I have to do it immediately after the thing happens. Is this a sign of compulsive behaviour, or am I just losing grip on my own memory? I'm also starting to doubt myself very strongly when it comes to confirming if "the bad thing" didn't happen, or if the "right thing" did. I can have ample evidence to support the outcome I know happened/didn't happen, but still brain doubts. I've been trying to go about my day living in the belief that I am right, but anxiety does not like to let go. I suppose this is all part of whatever disorder I've developed... Just gotta live I suppose. I am so tired of this...

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Note taking/low self esteem

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