Can’t stop thinking about killing people and death and what life means . I feel like I’m not as scared of the thoughts as I should be . I’m getting anxious about it however at the same I’m not as afraid idk why . My mind keeps telling me that I like it and I should try it to find out and that death is not a bad thing and killing isn’t that bad . Idk but it’s making me more depressed than anxious. I honestly can’t find a reason to live anymore I leave for vacation tomorrow and I’m still the same . I’m excited but I feel like my brain will ruin everything... if god is real why don’t o deserve happiness? What did I do that was so wrong?

I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks, it really does. It is hard. Many people here struggle with it too. I know this might seem as reassurance but take more as an insight, even though your amygdala might not let you process it. Here it is: "People who actually kill or plan on killing people are not overthinkers like you and me. They usually don't write on OCD forums and don't see their feelings as egodystonic the way you do". Now, having said that, how angry are you at your OCD? From the scale of 1 to 10? Do you want to know how you can punish your OCD good? By not giving into compulsions such as checking, ruminating, seeking reassurance and by making your goal just to go on this trip and enjoy it the best you can. I know your OCD is like: "You cannot be there enjoying life because you are such a bad person for having these thoughts". Then you go: "Watch me". You need to accept that those thoughts are "normal" junk farts from your brain and that 9 out of 10 people have them. Yes, the priest, the president, everyone. The difference between you and them? That you feed them with more thinking.

If calming yourself isn’t working, try to increase your anxiety instead. Challenge your anxiety to get worse. Actually talk to it: “hey anxiety, is that all you’ve got? Breathing a little fast? I can breath faster. That bad thought? I can have a worse one; watch. Think that’s the worst case scenario? I bet I can come up with one way more horrible!” Your OCD is a bully and sometimes the only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to it and call its bluff.

This really triggered me,please put a warning next time ?

This go around with ocd has been more depressing than anxiety-inducing for me too. Keep your head high and enjoy your vacation as much as possible!!!!!

I’m just trying to come back into reality. Ive been fighting off panic attacks all day . And the images of people being dead even my loved ones is messing with my head on top of that I am extremely tired and these thoughts are not letting me sleep. I leave for my flight tomorrow . And all my excitement is gone . I also keep thinking about everything about the human brain and our bodies and life . It’s stressing me out I can’t stop crying. I feel just not good at all . Trying really hard to calm myself down

What if you give yourself some tiny space in your head to visualize many people from these group surrounding you and embracing you, even crying with you because we know how awful those panicky nights are. What if you did some belly breathing and focused your attention just a little on your heart beat. What if you could take a chance and use this as an opportunity to show your brain that your panic is "irrelevant" and that you are still going on vacation even with high anxiety. There are two options, either can be an awful painful experience that will only feed your OCD more or it can be an uncomfortable experience that will teach your OCD who is boss.

@pureolife - That is great technique. I agree, actually the best one; however it is not for newbies, I guess. I got reported on this forum for suggesting it. ?

I think it can be for newbies as long as you explain how/why to do it. You can’t just tell someone “your thoughts are all true!” and walk away without saying anything else. In this case, I’m explaining the technique (how to do it) and the goal (to challenge anxiety to ramp up, which is essentially calling its bluff.) It’s a proven technique for fighting panic attacks that I think anyone can use, but newbies need to know all that if they want to try it. Otherwise, what your saying is just another trigger for compulsions.