I was inappropriately touched by a few people close to me. All fairly young as well. I can’t help but think some of it was my fault. I also repeated these actions to other kids my age and traumatized them too. I feel so so guilty and awful. It makes me hate myself so much.
I’m in the exact same boat. I feel awful. Awful therapist made me go looking for trauma. Turns out I feel like the villain in my own story. I was groomed and SA as early as 9 years old. My sister’s friend made it seem normal to touch and be touched. So, I did it to someone I care about. I can barely live with myself now. I’ve rewound the memory every day for the past 2 years. It was only recently I realized it might be related to OCD. Im sorry you are going through this too. You’re not alone. Im searching for redemption and answers as well. May we both find peace soon.
@HATE MYSELF. I owe you a great debt. The therapist I saw originally made me feel like I did it yesterday!! I only originally remembered my part in it so I definitely felt like a monster. She also made me discuss my current sex life. Which my ocd, latched onto. I feel traumatized by therapy. I’m really glad I came across this app. I’m starting to be able to take my thoughts less seriously. It’s a sad moment when your whole family know you are suicidal. Finding out I have a chemical imbalance and most likely ocd, is oddly reassuring. I feel like I’m Headed in the right direction.
You can get OCS from or genetics, so yes.
@Nica OCD*
I feel like I’m in the same route too. I was sa by people close to me, I worry that I must’ve done something similar to someone close. But I don’t know if it’s real/false memory ocd. I asked that person if I’ve ever hurt them, and they told me no so I don’t understand why I get these images and thoughts. I hate myself so much, I feel so much guilt. I feel like I would destroy my family, and it’s all my fault. I feel like people would lose trust in me, with their kids, knowing I would never do anything. I love my family to death but I feel like if they ever find out what goes through my head, I’m afraid they’ll abandon me.
Tw: sa For those who don’t know what cocsa is it’s child on child sexual abuse. My cousin who was 4 years older then me sa’d me continually until he was an adult. These memories taint and confuse others especially because he disguised his play as abuse. So it’s like nowadays thinking back to when I was playing with other kids, was any of it sexual like it was with him? Obviously I didn’t know it was with him until I got older and he admitted that shit. He told me straight up that he did it on purpose. There were also times where he didn’t even bother to disguise it.. These are the thoughts that consume me. Worried that I sa’d or was sa’d by a family member or friend. God admitting this is scary because I feel most people would fucking hate me. I don’t wanna be a bad person. I feel disgusting in all aspects and I hate being in my mind and body.
tw for mention of SA I've been really thinking back on something that happened to me as a child, and if it was the direct cause of my OCD. I'm not sure if OCD has any direct causes, but I think I know what triggered mine. As a child, at around 5, I was SA and I feel like it's what started it. I started getting my first intrusive thoughts soon after this happened and they mainly related to fears of it happening again or me doing it to other people. It kept progressing until where I am now. I feel really guilty because I don't know if I'd still have OCD today if it never happened. I know I was a child but I wish I could have fought back more and I wish I stopped it before it could happen I just feel so bad about everything and I feel like all my problems right now could have been prevented
recently found out that there is a huge possibility i was sexually abused (i still don’t really remember much from it) as a child. i feel like it is my fault. which makes absolutely no sense but i feel like it is my fault because when i was a baby-toddler i was always grabbing women(mainly my mother) because i wanted milk. obviously i did not know any better and would not do that again, but i just feel so guilty? what if i deserved what happened to me because i did that? my mother always talks about how much of an embarrassment i was and that i was so disgusting and nasty as a baby/toddler.
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