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Username: LochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

SO-OCD and ROCD

WALL OF TEXT INCOMING (sorry)! Hello, I hope everyone is doing well and are managing their OCD symptoms well. I have a question concerning SO-OCD and ROCD. A little background first: I developed SO-OCD (have been to therapy here at NOCD and therapist says I meet criteria for OCD and SAD so far) I can't really pinpoint when exactly this developed, but it seemed to have happened when I got depressed, lost interest in sex, then convinced myself that I lost interest in sex because I must be gay despite the rational part of my brain knowing that I haven't desired to be with the same-sex before. It spiraled into heavy rumination, obsessive thoughts and then avoidance. My long-term relationship ended (got cheated on) and that sent me down even further. I've always had low self-esteem, but this killed any semblance I had left. I couldn't sleep, had persistent anxiety, and just felt like my brain exploded from the shock of it all. It's been around 2 years since this ramped up, and it has felt like absolute hell on earth. Lately, my SO-OCD seems to not be triggered so heavily (not getting as highly anxious of the thoughts, and have noticed the thoughts slowing down in overall frequency and have been able to dismiss them easier than before), but I think I have started taking a liking to a gal the past few months, but don't trust my sense of feelings anymore. Some examples: 1) I think I have felt butterflies? But not sure if it is or just anxiety. 2) I am terrified of getting intimate or sexual (fear of embarrassment, or perhaps my "member" not working when the time comes) despite thinking about getting intimate with this lady. 3) Doubting that I actually have feelings toward her (thinking that maybe I'm just trying to force the relationship because I don't want the OCD to be true). Has anyone dealt with this with similar themes? It feels like my SO-OCD has kind of merged with ROCD or transitioning from one to the other. I have a tendency now to expect arousal from every close interaction with a potential partner and if it doesn't happen (like if we give each other a hug after work) then I doubt my attraction despite having been aroused simply by touch previously. I know it sounds goofy, but I think about it every-single-time ("welp, i wasnt aroused that time. I must not be attracted to her!"). It's all a lot to handle when trying to navigate a potential relationship and fear I'll never overcome this intense anxiety to sex/intimacy. So I avoid getting too close or putting myself in situations where these things could occur. Thank you if you've made it this far. This was tough to put out there, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. Again, I hope all is well for everyone and stay strong out there.

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 1y ago

Very similar. Mine started 10 years ago when my member didn’t work properly during intimacy. Had a thought that ‘I don’t have feelings’ for the girl. Rumination, avoidance, extreme fear and anxiety. During my obsessively trying to figure out WHY I had lost feelings, the thought that I must be gay popped in. Off to the races, doubting my sexuality constantly. Avoidance, rumination, reassurance seeking are my main issues. I’m 35 and married to my beautiful wife. So ROCD and HOCD are very much alive in my mind. Getting treatment but it’s hard dude.

Username: LochNessLochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Thanks for the response! I definitely see now that this was me seeking reassurance which I need to refrain from, but always helps to know we aren't alone in this. Thanks again for sharing and I wish you and your wife a wonderful life.

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

This is so relatable. I also fear having intimate moments with my bf (although we’ve been together for years and we’ve had sex many times) because of my SO-OCD/ROCD. I get so anxious that I won’t have a good time and when I don’t have a pleasant time I get extra anxious because it further contributes to the idea that I don’t like him and my thoughts are true. I also have anxiety about disappointing him and starting to have an intimate moment and wanting to continue on with it but not backing out because I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I kinda feel trapped in the situation with my anxiety. I also have intrusive thoughts during sex which doesn’t help. Ugh this whole thing just sucks :(

Username: LochNessLochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

It is very frustrating, like it is quite obvious I have feelings for this lady, but my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I understand and just out of curiosity, does your bf know about your OCD and its themes? I'm sure it may help some, but also it's super scary to share something like that for fear of rejection or embarrassment. Continue to stay strong and keep making progress! Thank you for sharing.

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

@LochNess He knows about my OCD but not about the themes. I’ve been advised by my therapist and other people not to tell him because it would probably be quite distressing for him (especially the SOCD). When I first had ocd symptoms I had no idea what was wrong with me and at first I was constantly thinking about how I didn’t think my bf was attractive (when this had never ever been something I thought before) and I told him that I was having thoughts regarding his looks and it really hurt him even though I told him they were totally irrational (because at the time I was convinced I was like psychotic and I was having panic attacks like every day and he’s like my best friend and I tell him everything) . He also isn’t like the most confident guy so I think telling him would hurt him more than help us.

Username: LochNessLochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@kay10 That's kind of what I've thought too. I'll tell people about my OCD, but not really expand on it much beyond some very vague things. Yeah, I totally understand and I figure I'd do the same thing. I imagine that would be a shock if I was in the partners shoes as many don't really seem to understand the intricacies to this disorder. Thanks again for the reply!

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

@0876 You too? How does it impact you when you try to be intimate? I’m glad I’m not alone. I actually just got into a fight with my bf about our intimacy :///

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

@LochNess Yea and I feel shameful about some of my thoughts cause it just doesn’t feel like me so that also makes me not want to tell people. Also I feel like it’s like he thinks it’s his fault and that he isn’t attractive which is why I’m so distant sometimes but that just isn’t why. Ugh it sucks

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

@0876 Same! There are so many factors for me. Like 1. Unless it is spontaneous I get super anxious. Like on Valentine’s Day when having sex is like expected I get super anxious and want to even less. 2. I also have thoughts before during and after intimacy which make me uncomfortable 3. I don’t want to let my bf down and start being intimate with him and then suddenly stop because I’m too anxious so I feel like they’re is no way out and I have to finish what I started. Not because he forces me but because I know it hurts his feelings and I feel bad doing that. Also it’s absolutely so frustrating because I have been with my bf for 3.5 years now and I’ve had sex so many times with him and every single time I finish basically yet I still think in my head that I don’t like him/ I like women ://// Also idk if you can relate but with my thoughts I always revert to thinking like I am lesbian even though I have only ever liked guys and had bfs. Like idk why I don’t just think I am bi. But in my head that’s not an option it’s straight or gay nothing else.

Username: kay10kay10

Date posted: 1y ago

@kay10 *there

Username: raburgess1raburgess1

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Relate to all of these from an ROCD perspective with avoidance and rumination also my main issues. Have managed to greatly improve a lot of my OCD issues with treatment through NOCD but this is the lasting issue. Its sometimes comical to think that my exposure homework is to have sex. The thoughts and feelings aren't necessarily conducive to getting in the mood though. But it's a work in progress and I'm learning to accept the situation more and work through it along with my partner. Good luck in your progress.

Username: LochNessLochNess

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Thanks for sharing. Very glad to hear you have been making progress it is very relieving to at least calm the constant battle with the brain - like some long lost peace and quiet sometimes lol. I almost forgot what that was like. Yes, that is very scary to me, but I do know that it is imperative to put ourselves into those situations to allow us to see that this isn't as big of a threat as we think it is, but like you said, much easier said than done. Especially when the anxiety and stress flares up which really makes any attempts at arousal or intimacy extremely difficult. Thank you for sharing and hope you continue to make progress and live life with some peace.

Username: Sapphic Soph

Date posted: 4y ago

This is so long ah I’m so sorry. I’m really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what they’ve found helps. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I’ve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didn’t keep up with therapy because my parents weren’t keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and I’m going to start looking into that. I’m scared that this isn’t ROCD, and I’m truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes I’m certain it is? We’ve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once I’d found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with it’s description. I’d already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person I‘ve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time we’d have sex I’d worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - “what if I don’t love her” or “what if this isn’t the right relationship” or “should I be dating someone else” When I’m with her I’m constantly checking. If we kiss, I’ll analyze how it feels (or how it doesn’t) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. I’ll say I love her but something in my brain will say “but do you really?” Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. It’s so hard to deal with. I can’t make it stop. I think part of it is that I’m anxious that I’ll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isn’t letting me truly experience my relationship.

Relationship OCD

Username: Sake

Date posted: 4y ago

How to tell the difference between normal relationship doubts and ROCD? Im going on a rant now: I have avoided relationships for the most part over the last 10 years. as soon as I get past the 2nd or 3rd date I feel like if I dont know that they have the potential to be “the one” then I worry constantly about wasting my life and theirs. I had 2 relationships that lasted about 3 months but the whole time, I just wanted to get out even though they were both good guys. In November, I had my first panic attack and soon discovered what I was dealing with (and still managing it) is SO-OCD. Then I learned of ROCD and wondered if that is something I have struggled with since my teens. As soon as I get into a relationship I have these strong urges to break it off for minor stupid things. Things that honestly make no sense. Like a weird freckle or chin (real examples). Not to mention I am afraid of getting intimate because Im super paranoid of getting pregnant... I started talking to a guy during quarantine and it’s slowly turning into more than friends. I really like him and enjoy spending time with him but I am constantly worried. Being aware of ROCD has helped me be mindful of the present but all my old habits are trying to come back full force and I find myself trying to avoid him. Ive read as much as I can find on ROCD and I can check off almost all the obessions and compulsions that are associated with ROCD. But it doesnt affect me the same way SO-OCD did. Like I felt like I couldnt breathe, and I could barely be in public. I wanted to escape so bad all the time. With this ROCD (if thats what it really is) I dont feel that panic, I just feel worried, stuck, and distracted. Not to mention, if I can manage to stay mindful, how on earth do you even tell someone you just started seeing that you have ocd, let alone so-ocd and rocd. It just adds to me wanting to avoid him. Also, how do you go from being dateless and single for 2 years to starting a relationship in the middle of a quarantine while you’re learning that you have OCD.

Username: Blueberry

Date posted: 1y ago

Having ROCD and SO-OCD with a BF is the worst…

First time posting! My therapist recommended that I give this app a look. Hopefully this isn’t too much to read and a another trigger warning for anyone sensitive to SA and sexual themes (straight and gay). Anyways I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and he is my first. During the first year we were together, I actually got diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. Was on meds for both but stopped because I didn’t want to be reliant on meds and wanted to overcome them without it. The OCD started off with ROCD. I constantly had thoughts about cheating on him and leaving him because “I’m not his type” or he only got with me because he’s desperate. I freak out sometimes when he looks at my phone because I think that I downloaded a dating app and a notification will pop up. I would constantly ask for reassurance from him and make sure he loved me for who I am. I constantly felt guilty and had anxiety attacks whenever the thoughts came in. The thoughts deceive me into thinking that I’m unhappy with the relationship and that it’s doomed to end. Then it evolved into SO-OCD. A quick backstory was that I always and only had crushes on boys up until college. I went to an art school where most of not all of the girls were part of the LGBT+. I think that influenced me to be more “open” with my sexuality. I had a friend who was a girl who I “developed” a crush on. I’m pretty sure it was because I liked the attention and being influenced by a lot of my friends. What makes me think it was just because of attention was that I never thought about the sexual part. I was very lonely and craved any amount of attention and I was desperately wanting to be loved. I never dated anyone in my life and it showed. I even confessed but she rejected me. Later I was constantly sexualized by who I thought were my friends. I was even molested and groped by a girl while I was drunk and high and was about to pass out. Ever since then I’ve been very cautious around female friends especially if I’ve been drinking. When I was confident enough to go on dating apps I only put interested in men since I was sure I am straight. My SO-OCD makes me not trust the women in my life and not to get close to any female. I have thoughts that I am a lesbian in denial and that I am lying to everyone around me. That I’m leading my boyfriend on and that I should be with a women. Looking at myself in the mirror and imagining a lesbian lifestyle. When I try on certain clothes or get my hair done I think “I look so gay” or “I should get a pixie cut or shave my head so I look more gay”. (I’m sorry if that part offends anyone i’m just repeating my thoughts). I have detailed visions in my head of my having sex with women even though the thought repulses me. I get triggered from looking at a gay couple or even having conversations with a woman in the store. I constantly think that I should ask them out even though I have a boyfriend and I’m not really interested. I even have thoughts of messaging my family and coming out. I feel so guilty looking at my boyfriend and having those thoughts cloud my mind. Recently it’s been getting so bad that I’m convinced im completely gay and that im not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t go to that college and maybe none of these thoughts would happen. I also feel that my OCD is invalidated because of my past. Like the OCD uses it as leverage to validate the intrusive thoughts. It makes me feel like I’m never going to get over this sometimes. I’m lucky enough to have the most amazing and understand boyfriend. Even though it is hard to tell him my thoughts he doesn’t judge me at all or take it personally. I feel super guilty whenever I get these thoughts because I love him to death. He means a the world to me and it kills me that I have these thoughts. Couldn’t ask for someone better to fight the OCD battle with. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it a lot and hopefully it wasn’t too much at a time. ❤️

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