rOCD and complicated relationship history

I think a common thought with OCD is that your experience is somehow unique, making it worse. Not trying to invalidate how difficult it us for you, but it's worth remembering that embracing uncertainty includes accepting that other people have different experiences of OCD and you don’t have to analyse this. Know that it can show up in all sorts of ways.

This is one of my biggest fears too. I rarely hear about how ROCD has been there from the beginning. I was diagnosed with OCD many years ago and have a history of it dating back to age 7, so it’s been a very long and tiring journey. It’s manifested in different ways throughout my life i.e. germs, fear of dying, harm OCD, BDD, to name just a few. I’m now starting to see how it might be showing up in my relationships. I just thought they were all wrong as I am constantly riddled with anxiety and doubts when I’m in them, but now I see, especially with my history of OCD, that it’s quite likely that’s it’s attached itself to my relationships and is ruining my ability to be happy with anyone. I have constant sickness and anxiety in the pit of my stomach that strikes either from the start of meeting someone or a few dates/weeks/months in. Often it shows up when I know the person likes me. It can appear in ways, such as being focussed on their physical appearance and personality traits. I'm constantly questioning: What if this relationship is wrong? Why would I be feeling like this if it were right, it must be wrong? Is this gut intuition talking? What if I’m in denial? I didn't get the initial butterflies like I did in other relationships, therefore it must be a sign it's wrong. What if what I'm thinking is real and I'm a fraud? What’s OCD and what's me? What if i'm trying to convince myself it's right? What if i’m using ROCD as an excuse? What if i’m using my partner and I don't love him? What if I feel this sick forever and can never shrug these feelings off? What if I hurt my partner? What if I get to the end of my life and realise it’s all been a lie? What if I’m wasting his life and mine? I feel so guilty. The questioning is constant and I don’t have any peace from the pain. It makes me not want to see my partner as he’s a trigger. I feel sick feeling this way when he's so loving towards me. I feel guilty when he says nice things . When I say nice things back, I wonder if I mean them, but I want to say them. All this makes me so depressed and I miss work and sometimes spend days and weeks in bed. I've currently been signed off work. The cycle started again when I met my new partner. I spend days and days researching and reading articles online looking for reassurance. I reach out to friends and ask their opinions. I can’t think of anything else, all day everyday. If I break up the feelings will go, that’s what’s happened in the past, but I don’t want to do that again and keep repeating this cycle. I can’t imagine ever being able to have a healthy relationship with anyone feeling like this. I can’t relax or be present with my partner. He's an amazing person. I feel riddled with guilt and like a fraud. What’s me and what’s OCD?! I can’t bear it, I feel sick non-stop. I’ve done tons of talking therapy and it’s helped me a lot with understanding the events and trauma in my childhood that triggered OCD, and subsequently I’ve given up a lot of unhealthy and destructive habits, but it’s not helped equip me with strategies to manage OCD symptoms in the present moment. I think having spent years doing the deep rooted work, I now need to do the more superficial work to help me deal with the symptoms in the here and now. I feel sorry and sad for all you fellow sufferers. Hang in there. Thanks for reading my rambling message. I feel so desperate. Big hugs 🤗 xx

Awww, thank you for your kind reply ❤️. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ either, I think many people have the potential to be our partners if we both want and are able to invest into the relationship. I am currently trawling through in my head all my past relationships and people I’ve dated and comparing my feelings to how I feel with my new partner. It’s so tiring. Does ROCD make you feel like you are a bad person and just living a lie? I haven’t been frantically researching online today, which is an improvement, as that’s a reassurance technique and compulsion. I don’t feel these thoughts will ever go, I literally, whatever I’m doing, have no respite from them. I feel sick from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. It’s so exhausting, I’m drained. I can’t imagine ever being happy with anyone, it’s like I’m not allowed to be. When I’m not romantically involved with someone, the thoughts go. Do you have therapy with an OCD specialist? I need someone who has real insight into this, a therapist who has OCD and can relate to it on a personal level. Thank you xx

I am also looking at their services but in London too! Would love to hear how you find them

Hey, thank you for taking the time to respond 💕. I can see why they call OCD the ‘doubting disease’. Yes, the checking, obsessing and ruminating feels completely automatic and completely out of my control. I have, however, managed to combat other subtypes of OCD I.e. fear of dying and harm OCD etc etc. Yes, it does like to latch hold of things we care about the most 😞. How do you find “For Love we Heal”? I looked at their website and it felt as if it had been written for me. Who do you see there? I wonder if they have clients from the UK as I’m based in London. Thanks for your help xx

I follow them on Instagram then sent an email for a free consultation :)