I don’t really know how to start this honestly. It may be long winded. I’m not sure that I have OCD, I’m not trying to take away any experience from anyone but I don’t know how else to explain when I obsess and feel consumed and disturbed by thoughts like this. I’ve been good for a while, thoughts have been at bay, I haven’t googled anything either or had any bodily responses/urges. But I saw something in the news today that brought it back up and disturbed me and I’m back in that headspace again if worrying I’m a danger or a freak or gross. I’m feeling alone in this, I don’t know how to talk about it, and I don’t know how to move through it.

Dear Rachelb. - Thank you for being so candid. It is not easy to voice out our worst fears and "darkest" thoughts. I want to let you know, first of all that I don't judge you. I truly don't. You are a human being and human beings are VERY complex beings - It is not as black and white as media and movies portray it. You could be be guilty of the most heinous crimes (I know you are not) and still I would not judge you. I know many people here wouldn't either. --- What gives me a clue about you having OCD (Obviously you do need to get properly diagnosed) is your level of distress regarding these issues. That is always a key component, you seem prone to guilt and shame in regards this. Both keys of OCD. Now, you can have any sexual fantasies you want - any and that does not mean that you want or will act on any of those things. People have many kinks - some people like "violence" and "swear words" and other kinks. I once heard a Sex Positive Psychologist say that as long as it is in your head, legal, between consenting adults, kinks are part of human sexuality. --- As my wife told me once: "I think that if we saw what goes on everyone's minds we would be surprised. It is not only you. -- It also seems like your obsession is related to a real event or real events. Mistakes (unintended errors) do happen and they happen because we are humans. I know that what I am going to tell you right now might trigger you if you have OCD but I feel like I need to say it: "As long as you don't have any concrete plans to harm anyone then please take a deep breath and allow yourself to be a complex human". You are not alone in this difficult times. Many of us are going through the same ordeal.

Sorry to hear you are going through this hardship at the moment. I have been through my own. Would you like to talk about exactly what causes you so much pain? Believe me, everyone hear has had the most unbelievable thought you can imagine. We won't get scared. May be letting it out of your chest will help? What makes you think you don't have OCD?

You don’t have to explain it if you don’t want to, but I assure you it won’t surprise us❤️❤️

@FernandoV I don’t really know how to be honest and unfiltered with this. It feels like the moment I say it I will be given the badge of “most horrible person” and like everyone will know. I’ll try though. In this particular moment I’m feeling distressed due to reading news about a woman who has sexually abused children and animals, and while I know the height of the wrongness of that, I know there’s been times in the past when I’ve sought ought erotic fiction about these things and felt an excitement. Always always accompanied by guilt and shame and feelings like I’m the worst person. I don’t know if it would be considered OCD or if it’s real and I’m the worst. I have a therapist but i have never been able to voice these things to her and I’m afraid I’ve crossed a line. I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to have to second guess myself in this regard. I feel like it may not be OCD as I don’t know enough about it, I’ve never been diagnosed with it and don’t want to take on a title that isn’t mine to take. My therapist also, while she’s a great fit for me, chooses not to diagnose the people she sees and so when I went to her a while back about possibly getting a diagnosis I guess I felt shut down. I am afraid but I hope you can make sense of any of this.

FernandoV, I have never shared this with anyone with such intense and raw honesty. Even after it was typed out I felt relief. It was finally not just swirling around my mind. So I have to say a deep thank you for your understanding and allowance of me to show up in all my fear and disgust. I also really appreciate your insight on what OCD consists of and some possible parallels I show. I do not take that as a diagnosis or proof or anything, and I feel a bit more courageous about seeking a professional who would be able to diagnose me. I know a fair bit about kinks, and finding understanding in kink has been a part of trying to dissect why I think/feel these things. I wholly agree with the concept that humans are complex, not black and white, not easily put into one box or another. I can confidently say I do not intend to harm anyone, so what you say applies to me. Allowance is something I struggle with in almost every aspect of my life, but I will try to hear your words and try to allow myself to be a complex human. Thank you for your wisdom, this has been a huge step for me.

Glad to hear that. - Somehow I identify with some things you said. Part of my obsessions were related to "kinks" I had always had in my mind and at some point OCD made me doubt whether I was a twisted person. After opening up about it in therapy, my therapist helped me see how my own childhood trauma (I know it is a strong word but that's what it is) was being a fuel to my obsessions. I felt lot of relief and actually started to feel compassion for myself instead of disgust. I don't know you of course but when your brain is "judging you" for your "sins" , it would be a good idea to consider your own childhood history whether there was trauma or not - it might give you and your therapist a clue. I don't know, just a thought.

The last time I spoke about sex with my therapist I did uncover sexual trauma, though it was not from my childhood. I guess I would need a better understanding of what childhood trauma is defined as, as I can see moments in my childhood that were not great but I would hesitate to call it trauma. This also seems like it would be a helpful topic for me to bring up in therapy sometime, to get a better idea of where it may stem from

The problem is not that you are not controlling yourself enough. The problem is you are controlling yourself too much. The more you try to control, the more your mind will try to convince you that there is something wrong. The solution? Let go of the control. Give it a shrug. Who cares? Don't give a shit. Funny that the more you do that, the less likely it is that you will even notice the thought the next time it comes to you.

hey dude, i also seek out things that trigger my ocd (child abuse ((not pictures obviously)) and animal stuff) when i masturbate and i promise you that you aren’t a pedophile. what helps me is thinking about why i watch or read it— who am i in the story? usually i’m either the kid or just watching but i’m never the abuser. that helps me a lot. remember that you don’t ENJOY the media, which is what differentiates you