My story

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I have OCD for as long as I can remember. But the last year it has become unbearable... I don't know how to move on... My brain began to generate terrible, and scary thoughts about the people who are the most important and dearest to me. It's tough even to write about this... My fear is based on "magical thinking" and the belief that if I think something bad about someone I love, bad things will happen. And the more I worry about it, the more terrifying scripts my brain creates. Here is my OCD story in a brief summary. I started to have intrusive thoughts as a kid. Even in my childhood, my rituals were mostly mental. During my college years the obsessions almost disappeared. Then a few years later they came back (probably because of stress at my work), but I still could live with intrusive thoughts because they didn't take up most of my time. Everything has changed recently, after a chain of traumatic stressful events occurred in my life in a very short period of time. My anxiety has increased significantly, OCD has gotten worse. When I was looking for some useful information about struggling with intrusive thoughts, I read a post by a woman in which she wrote that she was afraid of accidentally cursing her child. I understand that it sounds crazy and there's no logic at all, but after a while I realised that this thought popped into my head and I can't get rid of it. This really scared me. I know that OCD quite often attacks the things we love and care about. For me, it's my family. I'm afraid that I'll wish my loved ones something bad and it will hurt them... These thoughts come up against my will. I realize that this is illogical, and probably the only person I can harm with my thoughts is myself. But the "what if..." thought destroys me. Unfortunately, I can't afford the ERP therapy because I live in Eastern Europe. At this moment, I'm researching sources and specialized literature on my own. As I understand one of the main factors in the success of therapy, and one of the first steps is the acceptance of the thoughts. But in my case, the problem is that there remain a couple thoughts that are still in my mind unacceptable (like wishing bad things on my family). I don't know what to do about it... I'm so desperate... Maybe someone has experienced something similar? I really want to believe that there is a way out of this trap because OCD is taking everything I care about... I'm really scared, and it's occupying all my mind.

Hi, I have just found this support page. I am always researching and looking for people that understand what I go though. I am 38years old, I have never been diagnosed with Harm OCD as I don’t think many therapists understand it. I was diagnosed with PND when my twins were 6 months old this was nearly 16 years ago and I was only 23. This started when I was visiting my mum. I was watching a movie and a lady got her throat slit the next night I felt really weird, couldn’t eat my dinner and just hid in my bedroom I felt absolutely terrified that the images I had seen I was going to do to my babies I had no idea what was going on! I was worried that I was going crazy and that I was going to harm my children ( I also had a 3 yr old at the time) I could not go near them, I could not go into the kitchen where there was knives. I just wanted to be but to sleep until they figured out what was wrong with me so I didn’t feel all these horrible feelings! My mum took me to a doctor the next day they did a heap of test and started me on Effexor, they gave me Valium as well but my mum had to administer that to me. I saw a Therapist as well at the time and i basically just lived in the 4 walls of my mums spare room for 4 weeks because I was that scared I was going to do something so horrible to my babies. My mum looked after my babies until I felt ok to be around them. I then moved back home 2 hours away from mums with my partner who was supportive. I kept seeing a psychologist for awhile after that but some how I became able to cope again. I went on living my life it was so long ago I can’t remember that well but my partner was killed in a car accident the next year as it was a really hard time for me my anxiety did not return. 6 years later I had 2 more children with my partner at the time. I was worried that my PND would come back but the doctor said I could stay on my medication and so I did. I was totally fine I would have thoughts but that’s all they were, they didn’t consume me. 6 years after that I wanted to try a different medication and my doctor was ok with it. So I begun the process, about 2 weeks after I was changing medication I felt it all coming back to me I rang a friends a couple of days after as my anxiety was getting to much for me to cope with and asked her to take me to hospital. She did and they gave me a diazepam to calm me down I did not want to go home as I was worried once again that I was going to do something so horribly unthinkable to my children . I stayed in hospital that night , I did a Skype call with a psychologist where they asked for my partners information so they could call him and ask if he had any concerns or if I had ever been violent toward the kids. My doctor came to see me as well and told me I’m the sanest person he’s ever met but I wasn’t convinced. I called my mum to come and stay with me, she did but when it came time for her to go home I begged her to stay like sobbing uncontrollably! In the end I ended up packing myself and my kids up and I went to stay at mums and my sisters looked after my kids for me . I got into see a psychiatrist straight away, I was so relieved that I was getting help but it wasn’t an instant relief from all the crippling anxiety I was feeling. The psychiatrist ended up changing me back to the old medication I was on before I had decided to chance. I told the psychiatrist everything! It felt like I had a devil inside me telling me I was going to do all these horrible things! I was worried that I was in a psychosis, I was worried I was going mad and that I would end up locked in a mental institution for the rest of my life but at the time I was ok with that as long as it wasn’t jail because I had harmed my children. It broke my heart to leave my children but at the time I felt it was the safest option. After 2 weeks my medication had started working again and I had built up the courage to go home. I struggled so much! I was scared every day. My partner at the time was not supportive at all so I ended up packing up my kids and moving back home closer to my family where I have support. I was still in contact with my psychiatrist and I was making progress, the move home helped me a lot. Although I was a single parent now of 5 children I was determined to get better and face my fears. Now 4 years on I still struggle with my thoughts some days are easier than others I avoid caffeine, alcohol and anything else that might make me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. I still regularly take diazepam and don’t usually leave the house without it. I came off my sleeping tablets and now only take melatonin at night to help me sleep. I basically face my fears every day and it’s tiring. Every day is a struggle but every day I hope that I get a little bit better. I am not as well as I would like to be and this is the reason why I am sharing my story for hope that there is anyone else out there that can help me. I have 5 beautiful amazing children that I am so very proud of every day. I work part time as a disability support worker and I love all my children unconditionally they are my whole world. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciative. Thank you xx

I have had ocd my whole life… recently for the last year my ocd developed into harm ocd. Four years prior to meeting my husband, I was in an abusive relationship that left me with PTSD and trauma. I have had fears of hurting my husband for almost a year now. My ocd shows me images of me stabbing him or suffocating him. I have tried exposure therapy with an OCD therapist but recently she recommended that I try medication. I went to my PCP and tried Fluvoxamine with bad side effects of anxiety and paranoia (I am off of this now for at least two weeks). Now my ocd has “evolved” as I call it. I’m afraid of my husband poisoning my food, afraid of hurting my animals and the people I love and even now random strangers… all I feel everyday is fear and anxiety over doing something wrong. Today, my PCP called crisis on me as I expressed to him what I also did to my therapists (I’m transitioning to a weekly therapy instead of monthly with a new service) and I was placed in an in patient facility for a few hours before the psychiatrists discharged me. I still don’t know how to process this situation and have been on edge since returning home. I had ocd thoughts again tonight being worried about giving into the harm ocd thoughts and am now in a hotel room in order to feel safe (the OPPOSITE of what I should be doing, I know). Moral of the story is… I have gone through a lot in the past month and it has left me more broken and hurt then before I was on medication. Sorry for the novel to read but hopefully one day I will find relief.