Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t gay. It’s dumb but I get incredibly upset over dumb things that shouldn’t cut so deep. Pink News grossed me out because they implied they were against republicans making child drag shows illegal. And in my opinion children shouldn’t be involved in any beauty pagent esque thing at all. But some people in the twitter comments seem to think that this proves gay men are predatory and it cuts me deeply. It doesn’t matter if most gay men don’t even know child drag queens exist, it doesn’t matter if the kids aren’t actually being harmed (not that it shouldn’t be banned for that), it doesn’t matter if this is an incredibly uncommon occurance. My OCD screams at me saying it’s proof that gay men are pedophiles and I hate it so much. It sucks especially because I was feeling mediocre and ugly when I woke up already. But even then I felt like maybe I could find a guy who could make me happy. Now I just wonder if we’re all monsters.

My favourite animal is me when i cry because its possible to be gay and have hocd. Im so tired.i know im just 14.i know. Im simply like men.i know I shouldn’t think about this,but my ocd keep telling me that im not,because i have no experience.I don’t like or want women.i dont.i dont want it to happen.im not homophobic.i try to accept it because im afraid to not be honest with myself,but the pain is more and more. Im afraid that i wont love a man in future,and that i will love a women with no control..i hate that im just a silly teen that isnt “enough to know what i want”. I hate when people say im just young.i hate when my ocd say im just shame to be gay and im still homophobic because of my country(im a lgptq supporter and atheist for a year)i hate reading some people experience with hocd and they was really gay,i hate when my ocd tell me that when i travel to an open country to lgptq im gonne love women,i hate that it seems so true,i hate when i dont know whats ocd and whats not,but all i hope,that i heal from ocd..and still being straight..my peaceful dream..

I thought I’d gotten better about reading articles and posts about most men being attracted to children. It upsets me and that’s fine but what i can’t do is relentlessly research it. I know there’s no cure and that it’s normal even if it’s not moral. But for that reason my mind latches on to it and i want to know WHY WHY WHY, or what if this person is, or what if my favorite YouTuber is. Statistically the answer is probably yes, most of them i assume are probably attracted to kids. And that’s where my ocd stems bc them k go in the loop about why and who. There’s no one answer and no correct number out there. It’s a hard fact to accept and i thought i was over this but now im upset over it again and my stomach is sick. I’m not sure how to overcome this.

I’m. Lowkey freaking out a bit at the moment. So I’ve had kind of a thing for hyperfemininity most of my life (really just on men but that’s beside the point). A lot of what I find attractive is similar to Sabrina carpenter’s aesthetic. Like frilly lingerie for example. There was this clip where she was wearing like a babydoll or whatever they’re called and everyone said she looked like a toddler. I thought it was ok bc I’m only attracted to adults, and in this case it’s only concerning my attraction to men, but I was listening to a podcast today about Sabrina Carpenter (bc while I do think she’s very pretty I disagree with a lot of what she does) and the person speaking said she presented as a “sexy baby” and that it was pedophilic. Now I’m pretty frightened because I can’t just go “that’s false attraction” and be done with it. I AM attracted to hyperfemininity and now I feel like a predator for it. I’m scared