Someone please help!

So basically I’ve been dealing with obsessing thoughts about my sexuality and gender orientation. Although the majority of my thoughts are about my gender. It’s really freaking me out! I had a really bad issue with this when I was a freshman in high school. The thoughts became much less intense and I was able to live my life although I still got anxious about it from time to time. Now I’m in college and I recently began another very intense and distressing obsession about whether or not I’m attracted to girls or whether or not I’m transgender. It’s been six months of never ending anxious thoughts that really bother me. I want to be girl (which I am now) and date boys but I have these thoughts that what if I liked girls or wanted to be a boy and that causes me sooo much anxiety. I just worry so much because I sometimes have thoughts that I am uncomfortable being a woman and with feminine things even though I really like traditionally girly things and have all my life. There was never an ounce of evidence in my childhood but I’ve heard that some people don’t find out until they’re older and they sometimes don’t have any evidence from childhood so this doesn’t reassure me. Anyways, sometimes I have thoughts that it would make sense if I were a boy and that would be more like me even though I don’t want it to be and have never really felt like that. Lastly, I get really anxious because although I’ve felt much better with these obsessive thoughts over the past few years, it still came around once in a while. Why wouldn’t it go away? If I weren’t transgender, wouldn’t it have gone away? I just need some help. I don’t know what’s happening to me? I get scared because I just want to be me but sometimes it feels like it could be wrong and I can’t tell if it’s just my anxiety or what?

Username: Lavender.Lavender.

Date posted: 1y ago

I think some themes are gonna be lurking around forever. We kind of got traumatized and conditioned ourselves to think about this stuff. For some people it's pocd, for others it's harm ocd, for others it's soocd, and the many other themes out there. When I was first struck with soocd, I actually would think the opposite of you. Having soocd for so long and never coming to the conclusion you're gay is a strong evidence that this is just ocd. This can be applied to other themes, like tocd. Ocd is about doubt, not certainty.

Username: Roses2021Roses2021

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

@Lavender. This ^

Username: mel774mel774

Date posted: 1y ago

@Lavender. Yeah it’s possible. I’m just scared because a lot of the occasional thoughts I’ve experienced during periods of less intense anxiety were thoughts that I wasn’t comfortable being a girl. Not that I was particularly concerned that I was transgender because I legit didn’t feel that way. It’s hard to explain but it’s just this thought and fear that something is wrong with my current gender even though I don’t want to change anything. I don’t know if I am just insecure about myself or what. Or maybe it’s just this feeling that my brain has conditioned myself to have even though it’s not true. I don’t really know how to explain it. I just don’t get it.

Username: Lavender.Lavender.

Date posted: 1y ago

@mel774 Ocd can get really convoluted with many trappings. If I developed tocd tonight I'd wake up having a ton of proof I'm transgender. It is extremely convincing and sometimes it just feels real. But at the same time whenever this happens it's the most soul crushing feeling, bc this is egodystonic. Ruminating and rationalizing won't solve anything.

Username: mel774mel774

Date posted: 1y ago

Yeah that makes sense. I know who I am. I know what I like. I know what’s gonna make me happy. And that doesn’t involve me being anyone other than my current self. Sometimes I have thoughts that I can’t explain and that scares me. I just wish I could stop ruminating because it’s not getting me anywhere. Hopefully I can figure something out how to deal with these thoughts soon. Cause I’m sick of living like this.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey, I’ve been struggling with this theme too and relate massively to all your symptoms and intrusions. One thing that helped me stop ruminating was just the realisation that I am who I am and no thought path or feeling can change that so there is no point in going round to find an answer, your true self will always come out on top.

Username: mel774mel774

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous Thank you for this comment! It really helps

Username: TheTortoiseTheTortoise

Date posted: 1y ago

I’m trans ftm, if you can say on your own that you want to be a girl, then roll with that, things could change but trust your gut, a trans person was talking abt this the other day and recommended people ask themselves “if you were born as the opposite sex would you want to be gender-fluid?” And if the answer is yes then that means you arnt comfortable identifying with the opposite sex

Username: mel774mel774

Date posted: 1y ago

@TheTortoise I don’t have a desire to present myself in another way. But sometimes I have doubts and that scares me. I just wanna be me but everything feels so uncertain and I don’t know what to do. It scares me how you don’t have to have any childhood evidence to be transgender. I know throughout my childhood, I had strong evidence that I am cisgender but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It just scares me because I don’t know what the future is going to be and anything can change and I don’t want it to. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. Nothing against the LGBTQ community btw. This is just a me issue.

Username: hihey

Date posted: 4y ago

I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions

Username: aurokoi

Date posted: 4y ago

TW: GENDER OCD Okay, I posted a lil while ago about SO-OCD, but I have recently been suffering Gender OCD too. And unlike SO-OCD, this one is blowing a hole through my heart. I have never once questioned my gender. I’ve helped my trans and NB friends come out, and never once thought about my gender. But ever since my SO-OCD started and then died down, the thoughts about my gender cropped up. They range from two thoughts: I’m nonbinary, or I’m a gay trans dude in denial. And the latter one freaks me out so much, because I love reading queer media (I’m bi, and so many of my fave book series focus on gay couples), and my brain uses that as an excuse that I like it because I actually AM a gay guy. The thought is paralyzingly, and I can’t even begin to think of a way to overcome it like SO-OCD because the thought of me ‘accepting’ it as true scares the hell out of me. I can’t enjoy my favourite books anymore, or my favourite TV shows/movies. Anything with a gay couple makes my brain think I want to literally be one of them, when before I could just enjoy it for what it was, a story with queer characters. My connection to my gender is something I’ve always held dear to me, and the thought of being pulled from it is heartbreaking, and also makes me feel extremely guilty because I support trans rights so much, so why am I so scared of being trans/NB? How do I even begin to get over this when the idea of accepting the thought terrifies me? How do I begin to convince the anxiety that just because I enjoyed reading/watching something doesn’t mean I actually want it to happen in real life?

Username: ….mmocd

Date posted: 48w ago

hocd

For as long as i can remember i have always been boy crazy. I have always had crushes on men, had sexual interactions with them, etc. I’ve never thought about a woman in that way. I remember around 2021 I had a “what if I were gay?” thought but after around a week it went away. Now the thought is back but 100x worse. Mid December 2023 i suddenly got the thoughts again. I can’t really pinpoint what triggered it, but it may have been the TV show I was watching. In the show a woman around her 30’s dated men and even married one but then all the sudden ended up marrying a woman later on. I starting to think “what if that happens to me?” I couldn’t fall asleep for days and would cry throughout the day. I eventually told my mom about this as I kept having anxiety attacks and she said well if you don’t only like men then that’s ok. But the thing is that I want to like men. I’ve always imagined my life with a husband and kids. I don’t understand how something like this could happen basically overnight. I used started therapy for my anxiety but how do I bring this topic up? Does anyone who has soocd/hocd think this sounds like ocd or could I really just be in denial. My days now consist of these persistent thoughts. I’m always on here or reddit/quora looking up my symptoms to see if anyone else feels the same. i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. i wanna go back to november when i didn’t have these thoughts. I’m still having the thoughts about a month later but the anxiety isn’t as bad which is making me feel worse. i feel like i should be more anxious considering i want to be straight. this isn’t me.

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