Username: Sebi

Date posted: 1y ago

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I do not know what to do anymore. I spiralled again down with my OCD theme and I cannot get out. It is the fear of being bisexual. I am so low at the moment that I have become so hopeless and weary that I cannot discern reality from my thoughts. When I get intrusive thoughts it feels real and the worst part is that I am not even confident anymore that this are intrusive thoughts. I am constantly repeating “I am straight/heterosexual.“ but I always get a certain feeling of tightness inside my chest that I cannot explain. I got with the past theme of HOCD but I did not pay any attention to it. But now it feels too real and my fear that I might be in denial is huge. OCD has put so much pressure on me that I now truly believe that I know something about my sexuality and I do not want to acknowledge it. My thoughts scream at me ”Lies, liar, you know!, I know I am in denial“ and then there is this feeling that makes me feel bisexual. The worst part is that my depression increases my anguish. I also get a lot of false attraction. I always knew I liked the opposite gender and I always had crushes on them. I had even crushes on fictional characters. But my thoughts invalidate this fact. They make me anxiously thinking if I had also crushes or feelings for the same sex and it distorts my past. I almost forgot who I am and for what I fought for. I fought for being heterosexual, for gaining it back and then defending it. Now it feels like fighting for a cause that I do not want to fight for. It feels like something is forcing me to think these things, to view everything in this light and to doubt everything. I am thinking about this theme every minute of my life. I am ruminating a lot and searching all the websites for answers. I am also looking for the difference between denial and HOCD. I used to have a lot of insight into my condition. Now I have nothing. I feel numb. The thought of being with the same sex repulses me and it always did since I have suffered from HOCD. I never had any desires to be with them. I developed even some tics like showing fear, disgust or anger towards my thoughts or clenching my fists. This theme makes me feel that I have discovered something and HOCD was something that has not existed.

Username: WortoWorto

Date posted: 1y ago

The tightness in your chest could be anxiety and stress. You're probably suffering extreme anxiety without realising it. I think most of us have the same similar story. I used to fancy a girl at age 8 for goodness sake. Used to kiss a photo of her, lol. And all through my teens, it's hard to come up with a number of all the girls I fancied. Used to enjoy going swimming and trampolining at school just so I could be a little pervert, lol. Me personally, I'm an only child who never socialised much growing up so I've always been very inward thinking. I got bullied relentlessly at school and called gay - to the point where i had a few little micro-OCD occurences where I worried i might be gay, but over silly shit. Fortunately it didnt stick at that age. My first girlfriend turned out a lesbian and I never told anyone about how it made me feel - I felt like I was responsible because I (being only 14) was scared of sex and therefore turned her gay! I found out my second girlfriend cheated on me for months with older guys who were 'gymbros' who were twice my size whilst I was already suffering with BDD. This gave me an awkward anxiety around attractive/healthy men which I feel is partly the problem when it comes to false attractions now. I get the weird tics too. I'll shudder, or cringe, or pull a disgusted face from time to time when thoughts pop in. You're not alone buddy. Although it feels like it.

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

I had a similar past and the quarantine did not favour me at all. I never had a girlfriend, although I opened myself up to the girls I loved. My HOCD was initially triggered when I was 14 years old by an article about sexuality. On one day, I got the thought “Is it not the age where you find out your sexuality?“. It made me feel uncomfortable and I encountered it by using one of my classmates, who identified at that time as bisexual. I said to myself “If I would have been, I would have discovered it much earlier”. It comforted me but the doubt still existed. What pushed the glass over the edge was a particular event on a February day when one of my good friends arrived at school and I walked towards him. Suddenly, the thought to kiss him appeared inside my head. Then, my HOCD plagued for more than three years. The last year was particularly marked by constant doubts and thoughts of intrusive nature. The newest theme of SOOCD came again at one of my lowest points. After getting again some days of clarity and being of a high confidence that I am heterosexual, my doubt got bigger and I was weary. Thus, I performed the compulsion to read about the recovery stories of other people and I stumbled upon the story of a woman called Elle Warren, whose story should be avoided, except if one does exposure. My head sent me the intrusive thought of “Yes, her story is similar to mine. It is. I am bisexual!”. I know it was intrusive because I tried internally to put up resistance. My compulsions afterwards was to prove to my brain that my past was riddled with false attraction, which failed and resulted in me to spiral down even further.

Username: pathpath

Date posted: 1y ago

My therapist once said that the topic is irrelevant. She also said to boost my self care and self compassion in moments like the one you are describing. When is the next appointment with your therapist?

Username: WortoWorto

Date posted: 1y ago

I know this sounds harsh, but the themes aren't irrelevant. I also suffering with health obsessions and honestly, I would take a lifetime of worrying about dying of cancer every day than dealing with sexual related themes. If you die, you die. Its kind of 'whatever'. It's the not knowing that kills me. But with SOOCD and no doubt POCD, its like doubting EVERYTHING about yourself. Everything you've ever done. Everyone you've ever loved. And every goal you ever had for yourself (presuming like me you wanted a family.) It is hell. Someday I'd genuinely rather die than put up with this crap.

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

My first therapy is going to be on 28th August. As for now, I am supported by medication like SSRI, benzodiazepines and antipsychotics. You are right about the topic. Everything is treated the same with regards to OCD. My self-care has dropped significantly. I isolated myself from the outside world and only tried to distract myself from my thoughts.

Username: pathpath

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sebi Great that you are getting the specialist support that NOCD offers. They are truly so good at this stuff. You seem aware and can get out of the isolation, not letting the lying OCD to stop you from having a wonderful summer. 🌿

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

@path - I am actually getting the support of a therapist with her own private clinic in the city where I reside. Her experience in this domain made me choose her. I also asked if she ever encountered any patient with the same obsessions like I do, but she answered with a no. Instead, she told me the same thing that your specialist explained to you.

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

@Worto - I have adopted this mentality regarding “If I die, I die” in many areas of my life, yet, regarding this theme, I was always afraid to do so.

Username: pathpath

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sebi Have you listened to the podcast ‘OCD Stories’? Amongst many other things the person interviewed describes their encounters with therapies without OCD knowledge. You can learn what to look for in a therapist.

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

@path - I will take a look. I have also read the book “How to break free from OCD”, which describes a similar thing.

Username: pathpath

Date posted: 1y ago

@Sebi I’ve heard about that book. Will look into it. For me, the ERP-method was life changing. Guided by a therapist. I’ve been through all kinds of therapies, but I now get why ERP and knowledge about OCD is vital.

Username: KrittyKritty

Date posted: 1y ago

@Worto I just said a prayer for you. And I'm sending vibrations of hugs your way ❤️ I'm so sorry you feel like that. Please don't give up. I'm rooting for you 🙏 ✨️

Username: Carlos ACarlos A

Date posted: 1y ago

I developed the tic of spitting every time thoughts of this kind arose, a way of rejecting them and although sometimes I would spit on myself, I feel that it keeps me safe, but right now I feel the same as you, before I was fighting for the fear of being bisexual but now because I am homosexual, I feel numb with women (although I want them now more than ever, but my body and mind do not respond) and with men that I have never wanted anything, even since 7 years since this started, it is they have started to develop movements in the groin and unpleasant sensations, and I don't understand it, there is not a day that I don't want this to be over, how life can betray you like this, seriously, my body just doesn't align with my real desires and I am not going to give in just because of pressure, today I slept all day, I don't feel like it, yesterday I went out and saw all those women and I said to myself "someday will I come back for them?" I also think about the girls I went out with in the past and something was left pending, so I can't see them again, it's so annoying and suffocating

Username: SebiSebi

Date posted: 1y ago

I developed my tics as a form of outlet for my anxiety. It helped me as your tics to not take my thoughts serious. I know the feeling of suffocation. When I am hit by intrusive thoughts, it feels like someone would punch me and I would breath out most of the air out if my lungs.

Username: idont241

Date posted: 5y ago

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: Aileen Gemmell

Date posted: 2y ago

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.

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