I don’t know how to love my boyfriend

Did you suffer at the start when you met him? X

@mollyyy In the brief periods of time where the ROCD was giving me a break, I knew that I loved him. And I’ve held onto that feeling through all the storms in my mind

@mollyyy I did for sure. I’ve suffered in all my past relationships as well.

@Leenabean25 The fact you have that and have managed to hold onto that is so great. I just wasn't getting any let up at all and never had a proper falling in love phase. The fact you WANT it to work is enough - I got to the point where I didn't and it was best for both of us x

@Leenabean25 Also just wondering if you had it from the start what made you choose him/ know you wanted him?? X

@mollyyy That’s a great question. We met on Instagram, talked for a while before we met in person. Because there was no commitment yet I didn’t really feel the OCD. After we met in person is when it started. He brought his best friend with him all the time and I was obsessed with trying to figure out if I was actually attracted to the friend instead of him. This went on the next couple visits. But then I spent a week with him and his family a month later, and that friend wasn’t around. It allowed my brain to settle down. There were no distractions or opportunities for comparison. That week we fell in love. To this day, the times I feel the most in love and at peace with him are when it’s just me and him and we’re isolated from alot of possible triggers for my OCD.

@mollyyy The only protection we have against our minds is our hearts. It will keep fighting for us.

@Leenabean25 I think that's important because when we were alone it was actually probably worse for me - I had 1 month of really starting to fall for him but it just stopped. I'm trying to believe I did it for the right reasons though because I was never comparing him etc, I knew he was amazing and better than other people i dated. Genuinely just don't think the chemistry was there, but I still feel really low about it. (Only been 5 days) I think having periods when you know you fell in love and initially committed is important bc you can focus on that 💕

@mollyyy My gut reaction to this and the way you’re describing the situation is that it was him and not the OCD. I think you can have peace with knowing it just wasn’t the right match. Sometimes being a good person doesn’t mean they’re a good partner for us.

@Leenabean25 It's so hard though because I know I would overthink every little thing eg when he complimented me I'd be like 'would I be happier about that if it was someone else saying it' etc. Bloody exhausting and I'm still not sure if it was right to leave. So scared this is going to ruin every potential partnership, but I don't have the desire to go back right now and I think that says something x

@Sunshineflowers7 It’s always such a relief to hear similar stories to mine, thank you for sharing ♥️

@Leenabean25 I feel the same. Definitely feels good in the moment knowing someone else out there is also struggling. I feel very alone in this and put alot of pressure on myself which then makes me physically sick. @Leenabean25, do you ever lose an appetite or just feel sick to your stomach the more you think about it?

@Sunshineflowers7 It’s so hard NOT to feel lonely. It’s also hard not to feel like such a bad person. Seeing my partner love me so much, and I feel like I can’t give him what he needs.

@Sunshineflowers7 Oh yes absolutely my physical health is at a really low point. I get so so tired and headaches. When I give into a compulsion and send him 50 text messages about a flaw of his, I don’t eat or shower or anything I talk to him or a friend/family member for hours until I feel soothed enough to move on. Some weeks it’s every night I’m up until 2:00 am talking myself down from a new problem my mind has created

@Leenabean25 I agree 100%. Same here. My bf is amazing, treats me like a princess, and showers me with love. Yet all I do is obsess over physical characteristics that I see as "flaws." Now I've got a new obsession- questioning his Character. I had an ex who wouldn't always tell me the truth and he wouldn't follow through on stuff he said he was gonna do. Now I look for that in my current bf and am always worried that he may not be telling me the truth on stuff. This hurts him bc I'm calling his Character into question.

@Sunshineflowers7 I totally get bringing old obsessions from previous relationships to your new one. In both my current boyfriend and my precious, they’re younger than me by a few years and all the flaws I saw in my ex (immaturity, lack of experience, incompetence) I’m carrying over to my new partner even when he doesn’t deserve it. And then when it’s not about that it’s about the physical “flaws”. It’s always something. And I literally can’t stop myself from voicing it like he will be in the middle of practically worshipping me and I have to comment about how his hair looks bad or something. It’s awful. Us figuring out that it’s stemming from OCD has helped him to cope with it

@Leenabean25 I've been honest with my bf about the anxiety and OCD too. It seems to help him cope too, but it's still a very hurtful thing to have your partner question their feelings. I haven't told my bf about the attraction thing- just that sometimes I'm not feeling in a lovey dovey mood. I don't want to share the attraction thing because I know that would harm his emotions big time. So that part I don't share.