struggling- Just need to talk

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

Having constant intrusive thoughts is exhausting. They have made me question my relationship, my sexual orientation, if i am a good person, and so much more. It’s weird how they are all connected in a way too. A lot of these thoughts that I have feel so real, and i’m just now learning how to tell the difference between what is true and what is an intrusive thought. but at this point i cannot tell. they all feel real but still make me so uncomfortable. i’m scared i actually feel a certain way, whether that be i don’t actually love my boyfriend, i am actually bisexual or a lesbian, or that i am actually a horrible person and have done horrible things. it’s hard to not believe these things when they are constantly nagging at you. im scared im not with the right person. im scared that im not attracted to him enough, im scared we don’t have enough in common and im scared we don’t think the same way. im scared im supposed to be with someone else and that i am hurting him by lying. and im terrified i am lying about my sexual orientation and using him to deny my true thoughts. im scared i am actually bisexual or lesbian. i think i can accept being bisexual more than being a full blown lesbian, but it’s still scary. im not sure if i am actually bisexual or if i just have intrusive thoughts. and i don’t know what to do from there if i am. if i am bisexual that means to me i have to be with a woman? even though i don’t want to and i’ve never seen myself with a woman. i keep replaying memories with girls and if i showed any signs. and then i get scared that because i was aroused by “specific” porn that it means i am lesbian. all of these things make me feel like a horrible person for treating my boyfriend this way, lying to myself, and for being so confused. it’s exhausting. i don’t even know where to start to get help. im scared that i have had OCD my whole life, and if i have, i’m scared a lot of my feelings and thoughts weren’t even real. im scared when i liked a boy, it was actually my OCD. im scared that when i’ve been attracted to something, it was just my OCD. i don’t know what to do

this is so exhausting. Growing up i was never really attracted to typically attractive men. I remember wondering why i didn’t care about magic mike or damon from vampire diaries, or other example like that (it sounds so stupid but those are just specific examples that used to bother me) Looking back, I don’t know how much it bothered me. and I don’t know whether it’s better if it bothered me a lot (meaning it must’ve been ocd all along) or if it only bothered me a little (meaning i was probably just in denial) I literally can’t get past it. Everytime i have a feeling of attraction to any man, even my boyfriend, i automatically think that it’s probably not real because growing up i think i was worried that i didn’t really like men. I know everyone has different attractions, but that’s not what stresses me out. What stresses me out is the fact that i did used to wonder why i wasn’t attracted to typically attractive shirtless men. If i’ve been wondering this all along how could it possibly be ocd. my brain seems so black and white, like if i did used to think and worry about that when i was younger, then i can’t possibly like boys now. I just don’t know what to do. Do i just not like boys? Or have all of the thoughts (even when i was younger) been ocd? Someone please help. I’m trying to not think about it but i can’t enjoy anything, I can’t relax and it’s so stressful. I feel like i’m lying to my boyfriend and i can’t handle it anymore.