Why is my ocd making me think about it constantly.

Is anyone with POCD dealing with the intrusive thoughts happening more when they are watching something and it mentions anything sexual ? Every time anything like that is mention, the Intrusive thoughts get really bad. Similar thing with if I do something like masturbate. I haven’t done it in weeks because I’ve been so scared to. I hate when the thoughts happen and I feel like a terrible person (especially because of when they come) also, sorry if this is tmi, I just need to get it off my chest and hear about other people’s experiences. Anyway, I tried to masturbate again, and the intrusive thoughts happened again and an image of a child would just pop up in my mind, and I would stop immediately, and then when I forced myself to think of something else, I tried again and then the thoughts came back. It’s so frustrating, I can’t do anything g anymore without intrusive thoughts ruining it and making me feel disgusting and horrible ! It makes me feel even worse that the thoughts happen when I’m doing something like this because I feel so guilty and OCD can trick your brain into thinking you enjoy it, but I know I don’t because I would never do anything to hurt a child. Ever ! I would rather hurt myself. And then afterwards when I was trying to get asleep, the worry kicked in and I thought ‘omg what if I continued to masturbate when the intrusive thoughts came and I enjoyed it ?’ So now obviously I’m worried that I did, and now I can’t decipher between if I actually did that or if I didn’t, and now false memories is making the situation even worse by making me think that I purposely thought of the thoughts whilst I was masturbating, and now I just feel awful and guilty. Or ‘omg what if I am actually a pedophile’ and then I kept trying to test my reactions by thinking of a child to check that I was disgusted by the idea, and if I wasn’t completely uncomfortable then I would begin to worry more, thinking that I somehow enjoyed it. Honestly, OCD is torture. To whoever’s reading this, I hope you’re having a good/okay day with your OCD and I hope you’re happy today. This illness sucks and I’m sorry that all of us have to deal with it. Sometimes I wish I would get amnesia or something and forget that I have all these thoughts and all the things that OCD convinced me of, and I know that sounds horrible, but sometimes I think that’s the only way I can get better and forget about this. Or I think ‘wouldn’t it be so good if someone invented a device that could just take all the bad thoughts away and I wouldn’t even know I ever had them’

i saw a picture of a pretty girl on instagram just now and the first intrusive thought that came to my mind was me saying i would love to *insert the most horrible sexual abusive thing* to her. i am absolutely disgusted with my brain and i want to throw up. why would i even get that thought. i’m not even sexually active and would never do ANYTHING to hurt anyone. i get the worst sexually intrusive thoughts and it makes me feel awful because that is just not me. but my ocd makes me feel like it is. i don’t want to think like this anymore. why does my ocd make me suffer in this way. i would take any other form of ocd over this. does anyone else get these intrusive thoughts or is it just me

Sometimes, there are pop ups in my mind of sexually intrusive thoughts and feelings of strong urges of acting out on severely inappropriate things, and it makes me terrified. I feel like a predator honestly, with intrusive thoughts that make me severely anxious, distressed, and uncomfortable. I do not agree with these thoughts, I do not want them, I hate them. I don't know how to stop them. I don't know how I even got them, but they make me feel like a bad person. The urges make me feel like I'd genuinely act on them, but I'd do anything to stop myself from that, anything. I don't know how to make them stop, and I don't know what this signifies of me as a person. The feelings and strength behind them feel so real and so strong, it's difficult to convince myself otherwise. And, oh my god, being able to visualize things in your mind is a quality I wish I did not have. Seriously, it's horrible. I don't want to see images of what I'm getting a sudden intrusive urge to do, and I try to shove it out of my head and it doesn't work. I feel like there are some components that I grew up with that made me learn of things of a sexual nature at a young age that could have made me into a hypersexualized individual, and the discomfort I feel surrounding that (which I am committed to resolving and unpacking) is fueling these intrusive thoughts and makes me feel like they are real because of the fact that I am dealing with a problem of hypersexuality and issues surrounding arousal. Typing this all on here is also distressful because nothing online ever goes away and it makes me anxious thinking of someone linking this to me one day, but I understand it's a public forum to discuss OCD-related issues and so I hope everyone here is kind about that and undissmissive because I'm just looking for some help from this nightmare. Thank you.