Scrupulosity & real event/false memory OCD:

Are there any other Christians struggling with Real Event OCD? Specifically being able to differentiate between if it’s the OCD making me feel like I need to confess to more people or if it’s actually guilt coming from the Holy Spirit that is trying to convict me so that I will talk with elders in the church or something, etc.? For a tad more information in case it helps you respond to me- The “real event” wasn’t any action(s) that I committed. It was just thoughts/feelings that I had that were inappropriate. I never acted on them and never would. I even prayed them away when I had them at times, but I don’t think it’s fair to call them intrusive either. I feel like they were my thoughts/feelings. I already confessed to my husband 728734 times and will be talking to a counselor in January (first she had available), but in the mean time I am struggling very, very badly. It’s led me to being very depressed and my mind constantly swirling like a tornado. It’s also led to lots of other “themes”… also, I’m new to OCD. I’ve only been seen in the past professionally very briefly for “general anxiety” although it’s starting to become clear to me that I’ve had OCD all along.

Can someone please respond to this.. Has anyone ever acted on a thought? I have and I believe it to be a horrible sin, as it is mentioned as one. How do I forgive myself? It is a really weird thing because when it happened I was in such a dark place. I honest to God should have been locked up. I had been self harming and attempted suicide around this time too. I had expressed to my mother how mentally unwell I was and she didn’t take it seriously at all. I don’t want to blame her but I know for a fact if I was taken seriously it wouldn’t have happened. My mind was screaming at me to do things all day long in a way I can’t even explain. My ocd is still with me every day but 9-10 years ago when this was happening it was BAD. I Didn’t have thoughts of my own. Only ocd. Id take sleeping pills to keep myself asleep and id have dreams of doing bad things. So I convinced myself I needed to see if I enjoyed it so I did it to see. Turns out nope. Didn’t like it it was just ocd. And that sin has cost me my mental sanity and love for myself. If anyone has gone through this how did you forgive yourself? Do you think god will forgive you? I know I’m not supposed to ask these things but despite what it says I actually get peace from reassurance. And I know I’m not the only one.

I am a firm believer, a child of God, and deep down inside I know that God has me and loves me. With OCD though, I keep circling back to worries of the unpardonable sin; I analyze it again to try to find the answer, and there is no universally accepted answer so it’s impossible just to find one answer. In recent years I hadn’t doubted my salvation, but then during an OCD therapy session last year, I said something I did not mean (as a therapeutic exercise), and then I found out about the unpardonable sin a couple weeks later (interestingly I had read those bible verses before, and it never registered with me that Jesus was speaking of an unpardonable sin). I initially worried that what I had said may had been the unpardonable sin but now, looking back, I understand that it was not. I have since read many articles and listened to numerous sermons on what the unpardonable sin is. The fear was overwhelming, and I found myself having terrible (unwanted) thoughts in my head (that I will not type out); I did not believe any of these thoughts, and the more I tried not to think them, the more they kept coming back. I then had fears that I committed the unpardonable sin in my head, but knew that was nonsense. I remember praying in late November last year, telling God that I knew I had not committed this sin (it was not the first time I had prayed this, but I had peace after that prayer this time). The next day, I was hanging around my fiancé’s apartment while she was out, and I heard myself saying, “The Holy Spirit”, out loud. I then went into panic mode, because I was unsure as to why I had said “The Holy Spirit” out loud and was worried as to what I might have said prior to that; essentially, I was worried that I might have caught myself saying one of my terrible thoughts out loud. It scared the daylights out of me, but quite quickly I concluded I must had been thinking and speaking “Praise The Father, Son, and The Holy Spirit”, because I’d remembered thinking and (I believe) saying that out loud earlier that morning. The worry essentially comes back every now and again of “what if” I actually did say one of my terrible thoughts out loud. I love God, the faith He has given me is all that matters to me. I sometimes worry though that I have messed everything up. Does this all make sense? Any input here?