I feel so unlovable. After going through an abusive relationship and having my ex throw my past in my face, it really throws all my years of therapy out the window. I really am scared to open up again to anyone and i feel worthless. The current dialogue in my head really makes me feel like a crap person.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can definitely relate to that, I had my ex boyfriend make fun of my mental illness and past and tell me I need to be admitted to a mental hospital, I don’t want to make it about me, just want to relate. I’m sorry you’re going through this, just know that they are doing this to hurt you. What’s in the past is in the past and I also struggle with letting go of my past and my mistakes, but whatever happened in your past is now in the past. It’s disgusting they would use that against you and try to make you feel bad about yourself. You’re worthy of love and feeling comfortable and open with a partner. I promise you no matter what your past is, you’ve moved past it and have learned from your experiences, you are NOT a crap person. Again I’m sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you everyone! It’s a tough journey but I’m taking it day by day. I wish I didn’t rely on a man for my self worth and self esteem. People tell me I don’t have to confess all of my past to a boyfriend, but the ocd makes me have an extra guilty conscience and makes me paranoid things will come back to haunt me. I’m terrified of rejection again.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've been seeing your posts here, and you deserve better than what you're getting. Use this as a way of growing, of being better and stronger than before. You're worthy of love, don't think otherwise. You seem like a very nice person, don't listen to anyone that says anything other than that. It's hard to leave a relationship, it doesn't matter how toxic it was. Be gentle with yourself, try to do things to relax and regain your self confidence. Jog, do some exercise, eat healthy, meet new people, make new friends. That's what I'm trying to do too. It's not easy, and I sometimes I feel awful. Some days are better than others, and that's ok. Something that I'm realizing is that happiness isn't a gift, but it's something you build yourself, everyday.

The thing about psychological issues is that they are all in your mind, so you, and only you, have the ability of doing something about it. Only you can say that you want, and you'll work on getting better. You have the choice to sink in sadness and self loathing, or you can decide that you will get over all of this. Distracting yourself is a good way to avoid these thoughts. There must be something to do girl, u are in NY lol (just kidding btw). But seriously, you can do many things alone. Plan out your day. Clean up your place, put on some music, go on a walk, go to a cafe, study something you're interested in, learn a new recipe. I know it's hard to look outside yourself when your mind is filled with negative thoughts, but try to do it. Oh, and try to log out instagram. At least in the weekend. It can make your life much better. Not only because of your current situation with your ex, but it can also boost your confidence. It's really a breath of fresh air.

It's ok. Reading everything you say, it's very clear that it's a web you created in your mind. I'm not blaming you, you went through a lot and your mind is only trying to protect you. I'm sorry you're not in a more favorable place for your healing, but it's good that you are back home. I live in a small city and it's very hard to meet anyone I know on the streets, I imagine that it's even harden in a city as big as NY. Try to not imagine negative outcomes for your future, but focus on getting better now. If your grandma is talking too much, put on earplugs or a headphone and listen to upbeat music lol. Allow yourself to be a teenager sometimes. Also, try not to dwell too much on the past. Acknowledge it, and move on. Easier said than done, I know, but it's a process of learning. We all commit mistakes, but try not to regret anything. Everything you went through made what you're today. And that's not a bad thing. It only makes you stronger, makes you yourself. Take coming back home as a chance to start working on being the best version of yourself. It's not easy, but it's necessary. Do it for yourself, because you deserve to get better.

I think you may find this book helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but when I'm in despair, lonely and feeling like I'm never going to get better, I pray and pour out everything I'm feeling to Jesus. It is the only thing that helps especially in those moments.

I confess too and know the extra guilt and fear of rejection. You deserve better. You are worth everything no matter what your mind tells you and no matter what you've been through. Be gentle with yourself. What kind of life beyond being with a man do you dream of? What are you passionate about or what things do you enjoy? What steps can you take towards getting better and what are some ways you can treat yourself with love and compassion? Whenever you're ready, take those steps necessary toward healing. You deserve it. You can do this! I'm cheering you on.

Jazz, I’m so sorry you have that weighing on your heart. I’ve done some stuff like that too and I understand it’s hard to let go of the past. And that comment by that guy is so messed up... try to remember he was definitely saying that stuff to get to you and you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s important to talk about all of this so it’s not hurting you for a long time. I’m really sorry you went through such a traumatic time, we are here for you. ❤️

Thanks so much I appreciate it ❤️ I’m here for all of you as well, I’ll try to give advice when I can. I don’t always think of this traumatizing time but the breakup gave me high stress and the rejection is reminding me how low my self esteem is. It doesn’t help that email convos with my ex involved him saying the new girl I saw him with is really special to him in each and every way. I’ve come to realize he may be a covert narcissist. He was just talking to me as a friend and flirting with me 2 weeks ago. Then I called him out on his behavior during our relationship and he basically said I deserved the abuse. He has my mom under a spell and the two of them still talk and say I’m the problem. He promised me forever and that he wouldn’t leave me so this aftermath is just devastating. I started a new exciting life in Dubai and I got laid off and had to be financially dependent on him and my life turned into a nightmare. Had a mental breakdown while drunk which embarrassed him and I was punished for months on and off. I feel angry, sad, and all different types of emotions. Now I’m back home, my family is struggling financially, and I’m gonna be working in the same city as that fake sugar daddy, so nyc really just makes me depressed now. I’m trying to get out of my head. After being under my exes spell for a year I feel lost and helpless like a young child, and I returned to confessing to my mom for reassurance and relief from ocd obsessions.

Thank you ?? ❤️ it’s hard especially right now because I was living as an expat in Dubai for a year and I come back to New York with no job, all my friends are too busy or moved away, and I just have to start over. I finally got a part time job at a grocery store that I do some days of the week and I got an offer in the city in my field that I start in a few weeks. But I’m off my meds and just alone and have major anxiety and insomnia which will affect my work . The weekend is approaching and I’m going to have anxiety and the urge to check Instagram stories of my exes friends to see him with his new girl. I don’t know how to sit alone peacefully anymore it’s just torture. I wish I had friends or something else to do to distract myself. I went away to college so all my best friends I made from there are scattered all over the world.

I live in the suburbs in Long Island and my parents went broke and had to sell one car so my dad takes my car now. It’s hard to get around the suburbs without a car it’s horrible. My grandma is a pain and cries and nags all day it’s just negative energy. If you read my other posts I also mentioned my past when I tried a sugar baby site two times and was traumatized. I went through a dark rebellious time and I was in debt but I was not given any allowance and taken advantage of in a motel room and bar basement (that’s the past my ex throws in my face and why I think no one will love me) one is in NYC and I’m terrified of running into him again. There is no proof that he is dangerous but I just associate him with that traumatizing time and I also fear being exposed for my past. Makes me agoraphobic being in NY and it’s my home. I think I’ve been too much in my head but it feels so real when all alone and isolated. When I was going through narcissistic abuse in Dubai I had been laid off and had to live with the guy and I was isolated like a housemaid. It’s really f’d me up in the head and I feel like I need to run away from New York. My social anxiety came back from all the isolation but the cashier job I got is helping. It’s just all so overwhelming.

I try and say good things to myself in my head but it automatically switches to the bad things. It’s really mentally exhausting to keep it up. In one of my comments when I mention the sugar baby thing I tried, even though it was two times I tried and I was traumatized, not paid, and stopped it immediately, I keep saying to myself in my head “you were a prostitute, no one will want you”. At the time I did it I was in such a low place working multiple jobs and wanted to get out of my toxic home environment, the way the website described it was like dating and an arrangement that many girls were doing to pay off bills and get through grad school, etc. In reality many of the men are cons and they just take advantage and use women like prostitutes. I didn’t realize this until after the fact. One of them told me months after he got me drunk and took me to a bar basement for a blow job, “why would I pay you? You drive a Benz. Bye hoe”....im so traumatized for life and my ocd goes as far as worrying if they have footage of me and will blackmail me one day. This all affects my self esteem and relationships today.