Worried this is just going to get worse…

Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.

[TW: Sexual trauma, fetishes and kinks, POCD, guilt and mentions of suicidal thoughts] I've been hit hard with a variation of my OCD theme (POCD woo 🙄). And I've been researching and seeking reassurance like there's no tomorrow. I was doing so good, but then OCD grabbed the reigns and bam! What I'm dealing with is a combination of my OCD, my childhood trauma, and my sexuality and fetishes. And these are fetishes I can't deny I have, but I don't want them! My OCD is royally messing with me as it's not so much, "I'm afraid I'll be attracted to thos thing" but more of "you're attracted to this thing so what do you'd like this messed illegal thing! Or what if you have looked at a messed up illegal thing and are going to jail! And no one will love you! And your life is over!" Etc. It hurts so bad, I wish my trauma didn't give me the fetishes and kinks I like. But I understand it's a normal way the brain helps you deal with stuff. It's been so hard and so scary. I hate that I am a sexual being at all. For crying out loud I've never even had a first kiss let alone literally anything more than that! I feel dirty, guilty and ashamed. I am seeing a trauma and sex therapist to help me process this stuff. But of course OCD being the attention hog is like "Lemme squeeze in here and just totally ruin your day!" Because god knows it never gets enough attention 🙄 I feel like if I have desires or things I like that are too messed up what's the point of me being alive of most everyone would call me a perverted monster. I don't want anyone to get hurt in real life. I don't want to hurt anyone. If my sexuality is demented and there's nothing I can do about it, how long could I live with myself carrying this awful secret? I need help, not reassurance, but how the hell do I practice radical acceptance with this???

For the last three years I’ve been dealing with OCD, I’ve definitely had it all my life but up until now I was completely fine. This deals with some sensitive topics so read at your own discretion. I knew I had POCD way before, as I would just glance at a kid and my mind would conjure up the worst, most evil things imaginable. I would brush these off because I had a vague idea of what an intrusive thought was, even now I’m not sure if it’s POCD or if it’s real. I’ve dug deep into things I did as a child and in my early teens, even stuff from about a year or two ago. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore, I think I’ve become completely delusional and am lost, unsure of who I am. I could deal with the HOCD, I’ve sought professional help and have been in and out of the psych ward. I haven’t gone back because they told me they couldn’t be of much help and to do outpatient treatment, which is therapy, but even that won’t begin until two weeks later. I’m F18, a girl should not be dealing with shit like this, that’s what I’ve told myself. I couldn’t believe that I myself am a monster, I can’t cope with this…I don’t know what to do, when you’ve dug deep in your past and found things that can serve as “proof” I feel sick, disgusted, and I feel like the only way to get rid of these thoughts and to take back the things I did as a child is to just die. The second thing I wanted to post about was that I would frequent Omegle and other anonymous sites. This lasted up until a month or two months ago, I remember that I would often seek out older people than me, but during the time I was 16 I found that it was difficult to do so and decided to just talk to people my own age, my preference was to talk to people two years older than me but I remember one time I spoke to someone two years younger than me. This has raised many questions in my mind, “what if you sought someone younger and don’t remember” I do remember I’d encounter kids on there but I’d skip them, sometimes I’d warn them to get off the site because it was dangerous. I’ve been dealing with this constant “what if what if” for weeks now. I would go as far as having my phone be checked just to gain some fucking certainty about my situation, I wanted a career in art, but there’s this sense of doom following me everywhere I go and I cannot have any peace whatsoever. I don’t care about whatever happened to me, I could care even less. But what if I’ve done something I don’t remember, I’m scared to face that monster I’ve thought myself to be for so long.