Resisting doing a compulsion…SOS

I used to have Harm OCD but ever since I watched that Black Mirror episode called “Shut Up and Dance” my obsession has been on POCD. For a long time I was petrified of typing “child porn” into google so I did a lot of avoiding. But then I started trying to get reassurance that nothing bad would pop up if you googled it anyway. I got so fed up with the thought that I ended up typing it in myself. I felt disgusted and guilty, and was naive enough to think I would at least no longer have to worry about typing that anymore. But then all these what ifs pooped up like “you didn’t check Bing, Twitter, Yahoo, etc”. So I ended up checking again to ensure myself that nothing would pop up. Then it got worse where I typed in some really disgusting things into google again because I just couldn’t handle the anxiety and uncertainty. I felt stupid every time and powerless. I managed to go about a week without checking but today an intrusive memory came back about a youtube link that had a questionable title in it when I google searched. So ended up going back and checked the video only to of course see that it was nothing horrible. I feel scared and paranoid. Like I have no control of myself. I hate this compulsion and I can’t love myself for doing all this. I’ve suffered from groinal responses and other sexual intrusive thoughts involving this theme but I just want someone to tell me I’m being paranoid. My mind won’t shut up about all this. It just wants me to keep checking and checking to make sure google is safe. How can I possibly love myself after all this? I don’t want this but the anxiety is unbearable and I can barely breathe. I didn’t think it would ever get this bad and it feels like even when I resist OCD wins anyway... or at least I hope it’s OCD.

Obsession or compulsion? I'm getting so confused. So normally something scary pops into my head and I start thinking about it. And I pull in other things, related things, or make it a lot worse than it it. I can think myself to the point of a panic attack. I thought this was a compulsion, because I can do it for hours and if I'm interrupted I have to start over. But I stop doing it because it does me no good and brings me to panic levels of anxiety. I'm really confused now because I'm starting ERP and the goal of exposure is to get myself really anxious. Well googling and ruminating is what makes me really anxious..... but it's also what I do for hours and can't stop... so.... what do I do? If I obsess and google to the point of a panic attack to "expose" myself then what? I would still just google and obsess. ? If I have the initial thought and just don't ruminate it just goes away and I'm no longer anxious. And that seems way too easy. I can't be doing this right.

Can someone tell me how to stop constantly googling every single thing that feels wrong. In the last three days I’ve convinced myself I had MS, I could be having a stroke (multiple times), I have a autoimmune disease and overall something’s wrong with my health. I made a appt to go see my doctor next week to get bloodwork done, which I know is almost like a compulsion because I need assurance that I’m okay, or if I’m not to figure out what’s wrong. My anxiety has made me have so many physical symptoms that I don’t know what’s a problem and what is my anxious brain. Every time something feels wrong I go to dr. Google and then I automatically have some life ending disease. My brain is so tired, I just can’t keep living like this where my mind races and greats new issues everyday. One week it’s health, the next it’s something else, the themes keep changing to keep it interesting and I fear that the mental/physical toll and stress of this is actually going to inevitably harm me. Can someone please give me some advice as to not lose my mind