Feeling trapped by OCD, BPD, and life circumstances with no direction or hope.

Something has to give

Harm OCD for 30 years, Borderline Personality Disorder my entire life , major depression and caregiver burnout with harm intrusive thoughts. And an existential crisis. No way out. Feeling trapped. I have never had a goal in life. Never had any direction. At age 19 when harm OCD hit I was merely trying to keep my head above water. I didn't have the luxury of pursuing my dreams. In 2015 I broke my back. I haven't worked since 2013, despite applying for 700 jobs since then. My OCD and BPD won't let me have a gf as i don't trust women and I'm afraid to be vulnerable. My 24 year old cousin called me fat and lazy, and I know she got it from her parents who are my age. I have no money, I live at home, no car, no girl, no children, no career, no legacy. I am a ghost to most people. And on top of that I have to take care of the person I'm having harm OCD about. This is not fair. Before harm OCD I never thought of hurting anyone. Before my moms death in 2008 I could control my anger. Before the last couple of years despite it all I always had some sort of hope, but now I have nothing but a feeling that everything is meaningless. Looking back I feel that my worrying all the time about things like my parents fighting or dad drinking or mom staying out late at work with her new male friend....or worrying about world events...it was all selfish. I didn't care about others I just worried about myself. So I am evil, selfish, a failure. I'm 48 and I feel 80. I'm tired of this shit.

Username: Mon7Mon7

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I am so sorry. Having all of these life events on top of having OCD is a nightmare!!!! Dont give up! I am 48 also and i started treatment a couple months ago. I have had some great feelings of over coming this but this week was really tough for me. I was on vacation and all i could think about was how weird my life is and everything i have missed out on. I have been depressed the whole time. Plus my OCD has been in full effect with words bothering me left and right. I was my hands non stop when the anxiety takes over. I hate it. You are not alone. ❤️

Username: Mon7Mon7

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Wash.

Username: RMO2023RMO2023

Date posted: 1y ago

Oh man... no. I bet a lot of people have lots of good things to say about you! But you don't see it because you are looking only at what you don't have, instead of what you DO have. I wish I knew you. There is no one in the whole world exactly like you and people can like you just the way you are. I think some of your feelings may be valid, because your current situation does not reflect where you want to be, but you still got what it takes to turn things around. One small step at a time and one day at a time. God does extraordinary things in the midst of ordinary days. I pray God open your eyes to recognize all the good and unique things about yourself. Don't compare yourselft to others. Be who God made YOU to be.

Username: M_DM_D

Date posted: 1y ago

You've been very strong throughout.. Please continue to remain strong.. In life, things or situations can change very suddenly and unexpectedly for the better.. one just needs to remain strong till that time.. I hope that time comes soon enough for you.. Wish you well!!

Username: mummers

Date posted: 5y ago

*venting* I’m so tired of life. I just woke up, and I feel like going back to bed and sleep until this nightmare passes. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I can face another day of intrusive thoughts, fear, anxiety. I need some moments of relief, but there are none. I wanna have a life again. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have killed my social life, my ambitions and desires, my happiness. I’ve been fighting for the past 6 months for nothing. I don’t see any improvement. I’m on day 3 of Lexapro and of course i can’t tell if it’s gonna work for me or not. I’m on the first stages of ERP therapy and I still haven’t got any assigned homework to work on, which I really need because I need to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself with ocd and Gad. I just hope someone could just take out whatever part of my brain isn’t working properly and replace it with a new piece. I don’t wanna feel like a burden to my family or boyfriend anymore. I can’t believe all the damage that I’m causing. I don’t know what to do with all this self hate. I don’t know where to turn to. I seem to have all the help that one could need - therapy, medication, support system. Yet I feel like I can’t spend another day living like this.

Username: MamaOCD35

Date posted: 1y ago

Harm OCD

Anyone feel like they are sociopaths/psychopaths because they have this subtype of OCD? do you feel that subtypes like harm OCD were created to just cover for being either one of those antisocial disorders? I’m exhausted been dealing with this for 15 years. I look back to when I was younger I was a happy kid. I don’t know how I got here. I was bullied by classmates in middle school. High school I wasn’t popular. I tried to fit in, I tried buying my friends thinking they would like me more. As I got older I realized they were losers and there was nothing wrong with me. I never did drugs or get drunk. I tried marijuana because of peer pressure had bad reaction so I never did it again. It just drives me up a wall why am I like this?

Username: JMY75

Date posted: 27w ago

Harm OCD, Living Hell

Anyone with Harm OCD ever have to be a caregiver for the person you have the urges and obsessions about? I'm not going to survive this.

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Feeling trapped by OCD, BPD, and life circumstances with no direction or hope.

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