Realizing my Religious OCD

I used to think that if I didn't include every single detail in my prayer it wouldn't happen and I would go to hell. I would constantly say prayers in my head throughout the day, and I would pray for 15+ minutes a night. Recently I've started questioning my religion because I have some disagreements with the teachings. But now I feel like I'm going to hell for not following the religion and I should do these things that I disagree with.

This has been one of my biggest struggles with OCD. I feel your pain.

I love how you say “I worry the reason is because God hates me.” I struggle with that too- less than I used to since I started treatment, but it’s a hard one when in the grips of it. Honestly, in my heart of hearts I don’t think that’s how it works- my husband always says that what he loves about God and the workings of the world is the mystery of it. But in the name of resisting reassurance for both of us, the truth is that this is something people disagree about- are bad things that happen to us punishments for particular things we’ve done? I don’t believe so, but I’ve gotten better at living with the ambiguity of it. I hope you have a good night

I grew up in what’s considered the Bible Belt in America. But the older I’ve gotten, the less I feel connected to any idea of there being a “god” or that any religion is the only truth. What if none of them are real? What if they’re all real? I grew up going to church, praying obsessively especially during difficult times. I just feel like religion probably came about as a means to control groups of people and as a way to instill morality into the masses. And as a way to give us reassurance that this isn’t all there is once we pass away. Especially when I think about how many people have died trying to uphold the idea that their religion was the only “truth”. Or why is there so much constant suffering when so many people believe in some kind of god? Like what if we cared about our fellow humans and making this earth a better place for EVERYONE and future generations, as opposed to trying to please some god that no one 100% knows whether they’re real or not? Why does living on this earth have to serve as some kind of a “test” to deem whether we get into some form of heaven or after life? Why can’t we just all try to be the best version of ourselves while simultaneously having these extremely complex human experiences (making mistakes, growing, loving, and experiencing the full spectrum of emotions) while we have consciousness on this planet? I know many people feel a sense of community because of their religious beliefs, but I’ve just never felt a deep connection to it. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t feel any less spiritual as a human because I no longer identify with a religion. I don’t think there is anything wrong with questioning things either. I know I feel deeply for many things and I hope to continue to expand my mind with more exposure to information, people, ideas, and places. If this is the only life I get, I want to be as kind, caring, empathetic, and helpful as I can. Because I want to. Not because I’ve been told since I was a baby “this is how you need to live your life because this is how this religion lives.” If being religious brings you peace, great. If it isn’t serving you anymore, explore what does bring you joy and connects you to humanity.