My parents have given up on helping me with my OCD; what should I do?

My parents threaten to kick me out all the time because of my severe OCD. Each time they do I come back worse with new compulsions. They say I'm crazy for my OCD thoughts which is like, duh, does not make them feel any less real. Sigh. So tired of this life. My dad said he wished I was never born (just now), that I'm killing them physically with my panic attacks (I can't help it) and he said I'm the reason they smoke. I feel guilty and just want to die at this point. He also said he'd hit me if I'd not stop crying. They almost seem to think I like doing my washing compulsions and I can't stand it anymore. I feel alone in the world, even when so many of you struggle too, the fact that my once loving family is falling apart and that I feel so lonely in their company... it is tearing me down. OCD on its own is enough. This is too much.

I feel so pathethic. I'm supposed to be better now. My kbt therapy is over and I'm on medication and my OCD is better and everything's better but I'm still so stressed I can barely function. I'm transfering to another school because I can't take it anymore, but that means moving away from my boyfriend's apartment and back home. Because I can"t eat only rice anymore because if I don't eat well enough my stomach issues act up. They're probably stress related. I felt like I was having a heart attack and had to ride an ambulance. Not that I was actually in danger. But I thought I was and it was the only ambulance in the area. What if someone got hit by a car or something during that unecessary ride? It was just gastritis. Gross. But it felt like I was dyinf. And since I struggle so much with making food for myself my parents need to help me with it. I'm 17. I feel like a huge baby. And I'm supposed to be a functioning person after all those hours talking with doctors and stuff. And I have to go back to school to return all the books and it'll be the worst walk of shame ever. I couldn't take it. So fucking pathethic. I was trying to eat dinner with my family and my brother started making loud car noises and I asked him to stop because my head hurt (he's 15, ot wouldn't kill him to stop) and he and my mother kind of exchanged glances and and mom told me to go away so that they can be allowed to live normally. She didn't mean it as worse as it sounded. I'm autistic and I know it's extremely rude to ask them to accomodate me more than they already do, but they're so fucking loud for no reason. Just because they like to make noise, I guess. It's not even that I just 'dislike' it, but it hurts my ears and I've told them so. But they won't stop screaming at each other, the TV. It feels like my existence clashes with the existence of everyone who cares about me, and I'm just in the way. I don't know how to stop taking up so much space. I hate being like this. I don't know what to do with myself

I post a lot here, but I might as well come out with my entire story. I'm in a living hell. First got harm OCD in 1995. I had violent images of hurting my mom. I didn't know what it was then. And it took me 2 extra years to graduate from university. Then I Had to leave graduate school because an obsession started about my dad. I moved back home and have been here ever since, working small jobs. The most money I ever made was $11.44 an hour. From 2006-2022 I was on Paxil and things were OK I guess. But during that time a lot of bad things happened to me. I lost 2 jobs and then broke my back. I haven't worked since 2013. In 2022 my dad got cancer and I have to be his caregiver. This is very very very stressful. For some reason I stopped taking my Paxil last year, I don't know why, and now the harm OCD has come back in addition to unexplained rage. I don't know if I have rage from the withdrawal of Paxil (and Xanax, I took it for 5 weeks to help me sleep last year), or if I'm angry as a caregiver. My father is the target of my harm OCD. The stress of doing things around here being in close proximity to him, the depression I have, the feeling that my mind has completely broke, I don't know what to do. THere are no therapists around me. And I struggle with feelings of resentment and hate which exacerbate the harm OCD. I feel as if the only way out is suicide, but then feel trapped because I can't bring myself to do it. Then for some reason in my mind I feel upset about my family going on and me being dead. I am totally insane. Even this right here, writing this, is simply a time-wasting mechanism. I'm always on the run. I don't know what to do.