Total Panic

Thank you! Yes I totally understand. This SO-OCD theme is almost like the final frontier for me to get over... I'm basically saying "f*ck you" to ROCD by marrying my fiance, my brain has created a new and more scary hurdle to overcome.

How did you explore your queerness? Before SO-OCD I was open to being with a woman but never looked into doing anything. I've wanted to kiss a woman IRL only that I've watched a lot of lesbian porn and had female fantasies.

@🫠 Oops I've never ever wanted to kiss a woman IRL*

@🫠 so! I've been "out" since maybe I was 12/13? (I'm in my mid 20s now) and as I got older I got a lot of other queer friends and we all delved into the culture together in a bunch of different ways! Especially when it came to queer films and media, it something we all bonded over. I think finding queer community is honestly a great way to explore yourself without feeling the need to get physical or anything with anyone. And also looking back, I think another reason why me experiencing soOCD hurt so much was because I felt like I had a bunch of internalized homophobia and unwilling to accept whatever my "true" self was. I even took a step back from my friends and all the things we enjoyed because it suddenly became a trigger, it sucked! I think once I forced myself to put myself out there and enjoy the things I loved again, it really helped the process. I've mostly dated men all of my life but I've had a few instances with women too. I think I still feel more physically/sexually attracted to women but much more romantically/emotionally attracted to men, which is also common for bi people, to have different levels of attraction to specific genders. (also I've encountered lots of straight women who watch wlw content, its normal!) I also think once I delved into how wiggly both gender and sexuality can be for anyone, really helped me. I've met lesbian women who identified that way for most of their life and then suddenly meet a man and fall in love, and vise versa! People's sexuality can even just change as they mature, it's the same as just maturing with new preferences over time. Even my partner eventually came out as queer! It just happens sometimes and I dont think you should let whatever "could" change affect what you have now. Sorry for the long winded gay ramblings! Sexuality and gender is weird but that's why I'm so passionate about it, lol. I hope something I said in here resonated.

@lil' pound cake So you consider yourself bisexual without being physically intimate with anyone? I've found WLW media is more sexually appealing but never wanted to act on it. I have a few lesbian friends and I don't get triggered by them. I guess the trigger is that I'm scared to lose my fiance and my life will change. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life.

@🫠 yeah definitely! I've been physical with women, just never dated a woman. And it was never not really ever wanting to, just didnt end up that way. Bisexuality is valid even when you've never been intimate with the same gender, same as when straight people dont ever have to be intimate with someone of the opposite gender to know they're attracted to them at least in some way! And I know how that feels. My major OCD theme is sudden change in anyway, especially losing my partner. But to overcome what OCD wants you just have to live with that uncertainty. Even if something changes in the future, it doesn't take away from everything you have now.

@lil' pound cake Thank you! There seems to be a lot of bi-erasure online. If you have any feelings towards women - you must be gay! Or you're going through comphet and need to deconstruct it. The pressure of getting married soon is very much getting to me, haha!

Thank you! It feels good to feel understood by people. I've tried to tell my sister and my fiance and I felt myself go crazy trying to explain what I'm going through. "Finding myself" is definitely a theme for me too. Reading coming out stories of women who were married to men and are now lesbian scare the shit out of me. Just last night I was crying to my fiance saying "I don't want to be a lesbian in the future" as crazy as that sounds. I really feel you.

@🫠 omg those stories freak me out too!! the thought of losing a person so valuable to us is terrifying, and even more terrifying when it's something we have no control over (which is what our ocd has latched onto, that uncertainty!) we know we love our partners and that's all that matters

@izzzaey You are so right! My brain is really trying to control the situation to the point where I changed the way I dressed so I would look less gay, lol.

@🫠 girl me fucking too! when my voice gets too low I start freaking out that im a lesbian. or if my hair looks a certain way ill start getting anxious. ugh it's so exhausting

@izzzaey It is! I realized it was more than just wedding jitters when I was worried my animal crossing character looked gay! Haha

Congratulations on your wedding! How was the day? And how do you feel now that you're married? And you are so right, there is no certainty. Before the SO-OCD I used to worry that I was with the wrong person, that I would suddenly meet the one and I would have to leave my partner. Even though I'm the best most loving relationship I've ever been in. I'm afraid of experience loss again, I've had a lot of grief in my life. Thanks for your comment! ❤️ it sounds like you've come a long way. What did you do to get to where you are?

@🫠 My wedding day was honestly the best day of my life. Absolutely perfect. Not gonna lie, I’m very much still in recovery haha. But, it took me years to get the right diagnosis and right kind of therapy. I feel like I’m really good at giving people advice, but I’m not great at executing it. But, ERP is helping, and I’m talking to a psychiatrist next week to see if the right med will help make things a little easier. 🙂 and yeah, I have definitely come a long way, so even though I’m not fully “over” ocd, I’m getting there and I have hope.

@JazzCrab Amazing! Glad OCD didn't interfere with the big day. Were you originally diagnosed with GAD? My current psych doesn't think I have OCD so my plan is to find a new one after the wedding, and look into ERP. The more I read about OCD (especially pure O) the more behaviours I recognize in myself. I would definitely recommend medication, I've been on Zoloft for anxiety for a while. I recently upped my dosage and all the sticky SO-OCD thoughts don't affect me as much as they used to. Still get the occasional spiral.

@🫠 I was originally diagnosed with BPD, and then OCD, then it got changed to GAD. And now back to OCD with CPTSD and some other stuff. OCD misdiagnosis are super common, especially in women and those assigned female at birth. I’m glad you’re open to getting a second opinion, I think that’ll make a really big difference in your recovery.