I’m tired.

I’m tired of my “HOCD”. I don’t even know if it’s OCD. I’ve never thought I was gay before in my life and now it’s convinced me that deep down I want to be with a man. I can barely talk to my girlfriend without having intrusive thoughts. I can’t even tell an intrusive thought from a feee flowing thought anymore. I try to make myself think about women and it keeps happening. Even when I look forward to something in the future I’ll get a thought “but you’re gay”. I’m tired. I’ve talked to some of my friends and family and it’s a weird issue. No one else is going through this that I know of. If all I think about all day is being gay then I must be gay. Even if I find reassurance it’s not enough I don’t even accept it. Maybe this all happened for a reason. I’m never going to wake up and these thoughts won’t be there. I don’t even care anymore, I’ll just be alone or be gay.

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

I recently had another relapse with my HOCD. It’s tiring and really hard to manage on a day to day basis, and sometimes I feel like giving in to get it to end, but even then will things keep getting worse. I miss being gay, and now calling myself gay doesn’t even sound right, it doesn’t sound the way it did before this problem resurfaced. I feel like identifying as what this disorder wants me to identify as is easier than what I want and what I feel and that causes severe distress and anxiety. I feel like it’s only getting worse and I just want things to get better. Some days you feel like you’re recovering and about a day or two later it hits you again with full force and you feel like giving up again, like giving up is the only option you have. Will things ever get better? Will my life ever be normal? Will I ever be able to say “hey, I’m gay and I’m proud!” without questioning if I’m actually gay? I’m tired of crying every day and every night because of this fight. I’m tired of battling my mind and my thoughts every day telling me one thing when my heart wants something else. What am I supposed to do? Nothing’s working, nothing’s helping, and I can’t keep crying, thinking the only way out is suicide. The only things keeping me alive right now are my passions and my goals, knowing that I’ve worked so hard for everything that I have and everything to come, and I don’t even know if those are strong enough anymore. I’ve won the battles, but how long is the war?