I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

*Long post so apologies. I just wish someone can understand where I am coming from and share their thoughts / emotions or experiences* I have not been diagnosed by a professional about my mental health, but I am pretty sure I experience OCD and anxiety on a daily basis. It all started from being really sick when I was little .. A bug hit me that I had never dealt with before that had caused me to throw up profusely. After this, from since I can remember I am “scared” of germs. If I knew someone was sick, I would contaminate myself from them and avoid all contact. I used to bring my own cutlery to restaurants. I have to wash my hands and use hand sanitiser most of the time. If I start to feel a little bit ‘icky’ I would be on google search to find out if I had symptoms of the bug. It has become such a strain and I have really bad anxiety about the fact of not wanting to be sick. I avoid eating in low rated hygiene places and I have to double check that certain foods are cooked / prepared (ie: chicken) is cooked properly. ... My other OCD situation is a little bit different and I’m unsure as to why and what. I have intrusive thoughts in my head that range from: not wanting to drive in the fear of a car crash. ??? Or I get worried sick knowing that my family and/or partner are driving long distances in fear that I will lose them to an accident. I make sure that they message me during and after commuting so my mind is at ease. I also have a distressing time processing about my childhood; I was once sexually abused that still makes me feel sick to this day. But because of this ... I have had thoughts of sexual “exploration” with my sibling who has nothing to do with my abusive past????? Nothing has happened between me and my sibling of course .. but my OCD is creating false memories that I can’t seem to get rid off? It makes me feel so sick and that I can not live with myself because of this. I then try to flashback all the memories of my past to see if there is some truth about it but it just ends up making things worse ???? I’m just really struggling in my current relationship because of this as it’s not the most comfortable or normal thing to talk about. Any help would be highly appreciated as I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. Sorry for the long text, there is more to it but I just wanted some of you to get the brief understanding of things.

Hi guys, I know this question may sound weird, and I apologise if it so or if you find it offensive in any way, but is anyone here with POCD who lives with their children or younger siblings and struggles a lot, especially if you are really close to each other, and often quite affectionate as well? I live with a younger brother, he's 8 years old, and he is really bonded to me. Because of that he really loves to be affectionate with me every single day. Well, I don't mind that, I find that really sweet, and because I always wanted a sibling I appreciate that he likes spending time with me and that he sees me as a caring sister (well, not always but you know what I mean). Due to my POCD I'm rarely enjoying the moments I spent with him. Honestly, I spend more time analysing my thoughts and sensations, or if I have any urge to harm him in any way, than having fun. The current problem I'm dealing with is that I think I've abused him. I know it's sounds terrifying, and there is a part of me that doesn't want to agree with this statement, but there were moments, including one yesterday, when I impulsively kissed him after having a combination between thoughts, feelings and sensations. I don't know why I keep doing it. I really don't want to harm my brother (or any other child!). But weird moments like this happen, and I'm tired of them. I feel like a true monster and I don't know how to move on. I've never seen people having this issue, so this probably means I'm evil and an abuser. I really want to go to the police and confess, I have this immense urge to do so. I'm really sorry if you find this post disturbing. I promise that's not my intention.

Hello everybody. I’ve written many times about this topic but can’t seem to find peace within me. I remember sexual mimicking during childhood with my female cousin. She would do this to some of my friends too. She would kiss us by tongue and touch us inappropriately but we felt like we couldn’t say anything. It was a game as she likes a bit and she would call us by his name. When I got a little bit older but still young , I remember playing some kind of similar game to this one with my brother. We were both under 12. I think I was probably 11-12 and he was 9-10. Maybe younger. I’m not very sure. We would not kiss but we would get too close when in the same bed ( without our parents in the house ) we would be naked and our bodies were inappropriately touching. We may also have experienced some kind of arrousal as I definitely remember my brother did. We both enjoyed this game but both also knew it was in appropriate and we wouldn’t let our parents know. This may have happened 4-5 times during the same summer . Not ever again. My psychologist really have tried to reassure me and let me know this is more common than I think. My after covid 19 and quarantines I experience rocd and relationship guilt. Even if I have already confessed this ( without details ) to my boyfriend , my mind keeps on pushing towards telling him again. My constant fear is “How will you marry this guy if he doesn’t know?” “You are not normal” “We had forgotten about it. You should tell him again”. But I know I shouldn’t confess again because this is an unending circle. Any advice to get over this?