I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

Yup! Been like this February,worst Part is that I was intoxicated and in a bad place my thoughts were going totally insane,my 8 year old niece spend the night with me and my intrusive thoughts were telling me to molested her and all of the above ☝🏻 I do remember staring at her for a while and thinking 💭 If I did something to her she would probably say it or she would wake up,it gave me a good sense of relieve but now and since then …I can’t fully remember if I did,just for the”hmm let’s test this out and see if she would actually wake up” kind of like those,,,I wonder if u pull a dogs tail he would turn around and bark or bite me,trust me…shit like that would backfire at you and I haven’t really been at peace since then…I try to also control My self and try to use uncertainty but to be honest the vision and memory are so real like very vivid as if it happens so for me it did happend and I feel Horrible,I currently in my mid 30’s and these thoughts lash out f nowhere since I was 26,somehow I knew how to manage them,I would Do Compulsions as avoiding my niece and any type Of kid,I would Get extremely paranoid when I had to change her diapers and could do something to harm her.i never been attracted to children in my life,yes! Unfortunately i was molested sexually as a kid by a man from ages 6-9 and one of the things that would Kill Me and trigger me would be the fact that I wonder why? Why do they do that why ? What do they feel ?! And for my disadvantage….im Like the kid that you tell Them”don’t push that red button or else…🚨🧨💣🤯” and guess what?! My Hyperactive dumb ass is still Gonna push the button cause I wanna know what the hell is gonna happend for my self,and I feel that I did something g that I will regret my whole Life! Sometimes when I’m calmer I think with logic and see things from another perspective but then ocd and paranoia kicks in and it’s exhausting and mentally draining!so Guess what?! It sucks! This sucks! to live like this and having to live with the …”what ifs,did I or Did I not!?” But u aren’t alone friend just know theirs plenty of us out there Worst part of all this i havent been able.to fill in the gaps and it makes me.feel like a monster,did i molested my niece in her sleep,what if.my intentions were actually bad,im the kind of person that a thought can be morbid and I have tp figure it out,so when I think to my that I do something it's because I was clearly thinking okay let me.tedt.my self or see if I do feel.something and that shit will backfire on you BAD! Because then I will think*what kind of a human being on earth wpuld.do something like that?!* and it triggers me bad,I mean really bad like anxiety and panick attacks and not wanting to live with my self with this guilt!idk if there's someone else out there with a case like this bit if their is please dont make me feel that im alone, not looking for reassurance just support

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.