I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

Treatment has to be prioritized in you want to heal. Once you do, you’ll see so many aspects of your life improve, not just this.

Just wanted to say I’m so so sorry that you’re struggling with going back to your early past and ruminating , that’s a horrific feeling , I know that for sure ?? You should work towards accepting the possibility that those things did happen. If they did , you have to understand that you were extremely young at the time so it doesn’t make you a horrible person at all. Little kids do things like that a lot , it can be called playing doctor. It can be a part of childhood development and there’s no reason for you to feel bad about it! Nor does it tell you anything about your sexuality. Also , it’s normal to look at a picture of a younger sibling and call them cute. I’ve done it before ! This is all common with OCD , but you should accept the possibilities that fear you and tel yourself that if your fears were true , you didn’t control to feel the way you do. As for God , as a Christian , I truly don’t believe he would ever hold any of this against you. He knows it’s troubling you and he understands your pain. Always here if you need anything ?

Everything you described sounds like OCD to me. And it was brave of you to share your story. They say that the flip side of every OCD theme is a value. You probably value family, innocence, religion. Your brain was set up in a way that makes it so the things you care about most can become intrusive thoughts and your reactions to them can create obsessions. But it’s not your fault and there’s nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve compassion and care. Not judgment. It doesn’t sound to me like you were abused. It sounds to me like you were so adamantly against abuse that your brain wanted to keep being sure nothing ever happened. Can you reach out to an OCD specialist? A proper diagnosis can bring you some peace of mind and treatment can bring you relief that can greatly improve your life.

Thank you so much ? You’re so sweet!!

I even struggled with my sexuality and my gender identity. There have been so many times I got scared that I may have been trans. My anxiety can really work me up it’s crazy what the brain can. Do

I don’t know if I may have fixated on my younger brother. I also am not sure if that’s the right word. It just sucks not having any answers ever

Yeah for some reason I’ve always feared getting sexual assaulted. Like I remember growing up being super paranoid and afraid of men. That always stuck with me

I’ve tried but I get so busy with work and school it’s hard