New to NOCD.

I think I've struggled with OCD all my life. I struggle with intrusive thoughts alot and recently I just broke down and fell into a spiral I can't get out of. I found out about relationship OCD and sexual orientation OCD and think I may have those. I had an intrusive thought a few months ago that what if i didn't love my fiance anymore and since then I can't shake the idea. Just the day before I told him how much I wanted him to be my husband and up until that point I didn't question my love for him. I don't understand how things can just shake me like that quickly. I know I love him deep down and anytime I get those feelings back my brain is like "you sure about that?" A week later I had a thought about what if I've been a lesbian this whole time and that I'll marry my fiance only to come out as a lesbian in the future. I've always been ok with being Bi, I considered myself 10-20% into women and 80-90% into men. I always had crushes on men and dreamt of finding the man for me one day. I also find women nice to look at but I don't know if it's admiration or actual sexual attraction. Either way I was find with identifying this way but now I'm so stressed that I've actually just wanted to be a lesbian this whole time and that I'm in denail and closeted. These thoughts are debilitating and now I can't look at women without being stressed or getting aroused.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

Welcome to the community. You’re safe here. I struggle with the exact same. And too am ok with being Bi. I’m currently married to my amazing husband. Some moments the thoughts are so debilitating. I’m starting therapy again and have my second session Friday!

Username: Purplecat24Purplecat24

Date posted: 49w ago

Thank you for sharing. I've felt really alone in this and I'm hoping starting therapy here will put me on the right path.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

@Purplecat24 It’s so hard because I feel this unshakeable tie to my husband. There’s been so many guys in my life that I had no trouble letting go, but something about my husband drew me to him and has been there ever since I met him. And since my OCD breakdown, my brain can be so convincing about my sexuality.

Username: Purplecat24Purplecat24

Date posted: 49w ago

@Ditto That's how I feel about my fiance too. From the beginning I just felt connected to him in a way I never had before and that's how I knew he was the one. Lately, I've struggled with a lot of other things that made me feel down and just numb in general. I like to isolate myself when I feel this way too. The lack of feelings in general made me question my relationship rather than try to deal with the external factors that were causing me to feel that way.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

@Purplecat24 I really understand that. I’m taking it day by day. My ocd gets loud when things change or I’m anxious in general about life. I really recommend anxiouslovecoach, youloveandyoulearn and forloveweheal on instagram. They all have so many unique and amazing takes on love, sexuality, and long term relationships. Honest but gentle and easy on triggers. It’s a corner of Instagram that I feel safe in when all I see elsewhere is this unrealistic depiction of “perfect love”.

Username: Purplecat24Purplecat24

Date posted: 49w ago

@Ditto Thank you. I actually follow anxiouslovecoach and listen to her podcast. It has helped sometimes. Can I ask about times your ocd was very convincing about your sexuality? I'm having a tough time today and I'm in a moment right now where I feel like I let the OCD win and that it's convinced me I'm a lesbian. I'm not sure if I'm just drained from ruminating and googling all day.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

@Purplecat24 I am learning to try not to panic. My brain is very all or nothing. I understand women can be beautiful or attractive but being in a partnership is entirely different (to ME!) I love my husband, and how he balances me. I still find him very attractive and enjoy kissing/ intimacy with him. There’s no one size fits all partnership and I’m ok if I have moments where my brain tells me I’d rather be with a woman! That doesn’t mean I have to be. I let the thoughts come and let them float away!

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

@Purplecat24 I find the more I ruminate and think about it, the more I cannot think properly and get exhausted.

Username: Ditto Ditto

Date posted: 49w ago

@Purplecat24 I say all this as I’m currently panicking 😅

Username: Purplecat24Purplecat24

Date posted: 49w ago

@Ditto I spent all day ruminating about this and let me tell you how freaking tired I am 😴. This isn't the first time I've gone through alot of overthinking and it really gets exhausting. I hope this therapy and app work for you. Sending positive vibes. :)

Username: EricOCDmeEricOCDme

Date posted: 49w ago

Hey there, it's really tough to be hit with such intense intrusive thoughts, especially regarding relationships and your own identity – it can feel like your mind is constantly trying to uproot the things you've always been sure of. The fact that you recognized the discrepancy between your deep love for your fiancé and the sudden intrusive doubt is a huge step, showing your self-awareness despite the chaos OCD throws at you. When those spirals seem to drag you in, remember that understanding the nature of these thoughts is part of the battle and you're not alone in this fight. When my OCD flares up, I've found a bit of relief through this AI OCD therapy tool called "unstuck" (you can check it out at unstuckmyocd.com/try). Heard about it in my support group and I wish I had known about it sooner. It could be particularly useful for you because it offers personalized, step-by-step guidance akin to what you might get from an OCD therapist – tailored to help you navigate through both relationship OCD and sexual orientation OCD challenges without reinforcing them. Please remember that I'm here if you have any questions about the app or if you just need someone to talk to. Hang in there. 🌟

Username: Purplecat24Purplecat24

Date posted: 49w ago

Thank you. This gives me hope. I appreciate the recommendation. :)

Username: Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?

Username: hihey

Date posted: 4y ago

I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions

Username: phew99914

Date posted: 1y ago

I don’t feel like I know myself anymore

Having constant intrusive thoughts is exhausting. They have made me question my relationship, my sexual orientation, if i am a good person, and so much more. It’s weird how they are all connected in a way too. A lot of these thoughts that I have feel so real, and i’m just now learning how to tell the difference between what is true and what is an intrusive thought. but at this point i cannot tell. they all feel real but still make me so uncomfortable. i’m scared i actually feel a certain way, whether that be i don’t actually love my boyfriend, i am actually bisexual or a lesbian, or that i am actually a horrible person and have done horrible things. it’s hard to not believe these things when they are constantly nagging at you. im scared im not with the right person. im scared that im not attracted to him enough, im scared we don’t have enough in common and im scared we don’t think the same way. im scared im supposed to be with someone else and that i am hurting him by lying. and im terrified i am lying about my sexual orientation and using him to deny my true thoughts. im scared i am actually bisexual or lesbian. i think i can accept being bisexual more than being a full blown lesbian, but it’s still scary. im not sure if i am actually bisexual or if i just have intrusive thoughts. and i don’t know what to do from there if i am. if i am bisexual that means to me i have to be with a woman? even though i don’t want to and i’ve never seen myself with a woman. i keep replaying memories with girls and if i showed any signs. and then i get scared that because i was aroused by “specific” porn that it means i am lesbian. all of these things make me feel like a horrible person for treating my boyfriend this way, lying to myself, and for being so confused. it’s exhausting. i don’t even know where to start to get help. im scared that i have had OCD my whole life, and if i have, i’m scared a lot of my feelings and thoughts weren’t even real. im scared when i liked a boy, it was actually my OCD. im scared that when i’ve been attracted to something, it was just my OCD. i don’t know what to do

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