How do you deal with confession urges?

I have a really awful event. One that required a lot of non-OCD related confessions to my gf. It happened 4 years ago. I don’t really consider any of my thoughts around this event to be OCD related, because it was actually THAT BAD, and I actually should feel the things I’m feeling. The problem that keeps coming up is my urge to confess more details. The thing I did wasn’t one event, but a series of awful events. My girlfriend doesn’t want to know anymore details. She says no matter how bad it is, she doesn’t want to know anymore. I keep getting memories of details that I’m worried would end our relationship if she knew. I’ve confessed so many awful details and she hasn’t left me yet, but there are so many genuinely terrible things that I thought, felt, intended, and acted on. With the thought that revealing a detail could end my relationship, how am I not supposed to confess? I feel like I am tricking her and she doesn’t understand the full extent of my depravity. When she looks at me with love I feel sick and unworthy. She doesn’t want me to confess anymore, my therapist doesn’t want me to confess anymore, and these memories are just sitting in my head, eating away at my soul. I feel so alone. I feel like most of you can probably guess the nature of what I did and might not appreciate me posting about it here. I’m sorry, I just need someone to talk to…

Real Events OCD

Username: deadmeatdeadmeat

Date posted: 49w ago

oh my goshhhh i’m going through the EXACT same thing w my bf. for a good while i did a lot behind his back that was really bad. i always knew it was bad, but for some reason, i justified my actions. one night i had a huge anxiety attack and felt all the guilt from everything and confessed everything. this was recent, maybe 3 weeks ago. i told him everything i remembered at the time and he’s forgiven me for everything as long as it doesn’t happen again, which i know it wouldn’t. but i’ll still remember little details abt it, and i think, “he deserves to know, but maybe if he knew, it’d change his feelings and he’d leave” but he’s the same, he doesn’t wanna know the rest of the details, he’s already forgiven me regardless. your gf has forgiven you for this. i know it’s hurting you, too, because guilt is such a nasty feeling to sit with. but you really do need to work on forgiving yourself. humans make mistakes. good people do bad things. we learn, move on and forgive. it’s so much easier said than done, but you aren’t alone, and please remember, it’s your first time being alive! you won’t do everything perfectly. you won’t be “good” all the time. you will act against your morals and learn from these mistakes. the more you tell your brain that you are forgiven, and the less you confess, the less the thoughts will nag at you. confessing is a compulsion. you’ll experience temporary relief- until you remember another detail. don’t confess. for your sake and for hers. just learn, forgive yourself, and know you aren’t alone

Username: Anonymous06Anonymous06

Date posted: 49w ago

@deadmeat You’re awesome! Great comment

Username: aneyh aneyh

Date posted: 44w ago

@deadmeat Hey, I know you commented this over a month ago, but this is one I come back to. Thank you so much 🥲

Username: deadmeatdeadmeat

Date posted: 44w ago

@wultuh that made my entire day!! it’s so weird because i was actually thinking about this post today and it made me feel less alone, but i never saved it so i couldn’t come back to it. thank you for replying :,)

Username: aneyh aneyh

Date posted: 43w ago

@deadmeat Aw I’m glad! Today has been pretty hard because of it. Any time I wake up feeling OK, I feel like that’s me being unremorseful and I trigger myself with a Reddit spiral. And people who have done what I’ve done are only accepted there if they spend every waking moment in a state of self-reflection and remorse. I was just wondering if you related to any of this, because we seem to have pretty similar circumstances (what I did was probably a lot worse though). I’m always here if you need to vent!

Username: deadmeatdeadmeat

Date posted: 43w ago

@wultuh i totally get that, any time i’m not thinking about it and beating myself up over it, my brain is like, “okay so you don’t care? this doesn’t affect you anymore? you’re just okay with hurting people you love?” but like no, people are so complex and they make mistakes. some people feel bad, some people don’t, some people are so hung up on worrying if they’re a good person or not. being remorseful at all already shows you’re not a bad person for it. i’m sure we can definitely relate on the situations. i would recommend trying to not reddit spiral, or even read too much on here for any type of comfort or reassurance. everyone has such strong opinions on things they never think they’d do- i did, i was so hard on people who made mistakes like this until i made the mistake, which i never thought would happen. im not necessarily excusing myself for making it, but i also understand that i cant make myself out to be a bad person forever over a mistake i heavily regret. you obviously regret what happened, dont let anyone tell you you need to feel guilty for the rest of your life. i struggled with that too, people always saying, “don’t tell your partner, just suffer the guilt forever” but please know these people are not you, they don’t know you, your situation, your life, your reasons. a lot of the people who say you need to feel guilty forever have probably made bad mistakes too- maybe even worse ones. i wish there was a direct message feature on here 😭 im here for you too! i promise you’re not alone

Username: jherrera88jherrera88

Date posted: 49w ago

I have been feeling the same way about things I do/have done behind her back. Even if it wasn’t a big deal, I feel like I should tell her. It makes me anxious to hold it in and I want to just tell her all the things I’ve been doing/done. I am and will be seeking ocd therapy from now on.

Username: Anonymous444444

Date posted: 2y ago

What should I tell her?

I know we can't ask for reassurance, but I need some opinions from others who understand OCD :( When my gf and I had just gone official, I had another friend who I was close with that I think had feelings for me. When I was drunk one night I called her after she left to pick me up and go to her apartment. My friend told me it was just to keep drinking because my roommate had gone to sleep in the living room, but I was so drunk I can't fully remember and feel I was making the call to fool around. Another time a few weeks later we squeezed hands while very drunk again. I've since stopped drinking and hanging out with this person, and even told my gf what happened. However I didn't go into detail about the fact that I think I might have been trying to cheat or had slightly developed feelings, just told her I felt like I had cheated by making that call at all. She took it really well but I don't feel she understands the severity, and thinks it was mostly the other girl making advances. It scares me so much because I did kiss another girl during my previous relationship yeears ago in college (my current gf doesn't know about this), so I'm scared I'm doing bad again. I feel like I need to confess and fully explain what exactly I'm worried about, and that I think the only thing that stopped me from actually cheating is that she didn't pick me up, but at this point I'm not sure if that's a compulsion or not. How do I know? Do I just confess again? I've confessed multiple times to her and it's def put a strain on things :(

Username: Coffeelover11

Date posted: 1y ago

Anyone else experience this?

Does anyone struggle with real event ocd and having to confess to their partner? I have so many regrets on things I’ve either done or thought and feel like I can’t move on or be better until I’ve been forgiven for them. Mostly things that happened a couple years ago and I don’t know why it’s all of a sudden bothering me now but it makes me feel like I’m the worst person ever. I’m even questioning how I thought or felt during that time and I’m confessing to thoughts or things I may or may not have done or thought. It’s so confusing and I feel trapped in my own head. If anyone has any tips I would appreciate it. Thank you for you time

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 41w ago

pls help. should i confess?

i’m very aware that one of my main compulsions is confessing/seeking repentance, specifically from my boyfriend. however i can never seem to get past this one specific event from my past. to sum it up, i remember while having me time (if yk what i mean) i kept having random ppl that i know in my daily life popping into my head and sexual images of them kept coming in as well. i felt like i couldn’t fully control it which makes me think it was OCD and i didn’t know it at the time. however, a specific person that kept coming to mind is now standing out to me. i would be lying if i said he was not an attractive person, but i would never in a million years actually want to be with him in any way. i love my boyfriend with every fiber in me and i am confident i would never do anything to jeopardize that. the thing is that since i know i found him attractive at the time i am struggling with my intentions behind those thoughts i was having about him. although its out of character i wonder if it was real thoughts and not just intrusive. it feels like a cycle of me trying to figure it out and i feel so incredibly guilty at times over it that i feel as though i should confess this to my boyfriend. this happened over a year ago and this person is no longer even in my life but i still can’t shake it. is this something i would need to confess to him or is it just my OCD taking? also, something that feeds into my obsessing over this is that i remember distinctly trying to make sure i looked okay when i was around this person in the past. not in a way that i wanted him, but just that i didn’t want him to think i was ugly or anything. i don’t think this is uncommon to want to look good in front of an attractive person, but at the same time i wonder if i was seeking attention for the wrong reasons or something. it’s just so conflicting bc it’s very out of character for me.

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