What is wrong with me?

I feel like no one at my job really likes me. I pitched a movie screening idea in a group chat and still got no responses at all. It’s a movie that I thought resonates with what we stand for. I want to quit. I told my mom about it but she said I can’t just quit every job that doesn’t make me feel comfortable. It makes sense. I just feel out of place. I already screwed up because I would at times, not show up to a few events. I wouldn’t show up at times or leave early because I felt overshadowed by a coworker and it probably wasn’t her fault but in my head, I kept trying to avoid her and avoid that negative feeling of hating myself even more. It started when I assumed she was flirting with my bf which made me feel intimidated and anxious around her. I ended up overdosing because of it. I kept having images in my head of bf and her together and it would break me. I would end up making myself smaller and crying. Me and this girl also seem to have some unknown beef with each other. I also don’t know if this is in my head but I noticed some passive aggressive behavior and it fucks with my head. I would leave events early because she was there, would steal the show and it would stupidly make me feel unworthy and invisible. I just have past experiences in relationships where similar stuff happened. I got called out for leaving early and told by an employer I’m not really doing my job because I flake. I work for a center on my college campus and would pitch ideas for events and post on our social media page, but, never really stick around at events due to feeling uncomfortable around the girl. I end up crying internally then I leave early to cry more. It’s ridiculous. So, I think they all just dislike me because of it. I can’t tell them why I act like that. I’m seeing a therapist and she told me this girl isn’t a big scary bear. I’ve applied to many places so far and have yet to hear from some of them. I want a new job.

I posted on here before about a man who had been emotionally abusing me, I stood up to him and brought up the things that bothered me and he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about, did we have this conversation on the phone? Well you know I can only use what YOU tell me right??” And then talked over me the rest of the conversation. I got up, held my head up high and walked out despite there being tears rolling down my face. I cried silently, and made sure no one ESPECIALLY him saw it. I didn’t want to give him that power. We had other people in the room to help with the conversation, and most of them laughed and said “well she IS growing you know” as if this was nothing more than a teenage girl throwing a tantrum. He had been talked to about it before, and he came and apologized to me and backed off which at first I assumed he was actually sorry. However I overheard him yelling to his group of people saying “I’ve had trouble ever since I’ve been here! I had to apologize and take the blame for something I knew wasn’t my fault! Do you know how hard that is?? I didn’t even do anything wrong!” (He was referring to being reprimanded for the things he was saying to me, and this also comes after i set a boundary with him.) then during the conversation he said “I’ll take the blame I’ll apologize I’ll do this and that even though I didn’t do anything.” Which just confirmed that the apology he had given me was fake, because he never saw a problem with his behavior in the first place. I tried to speak up and advocate for myself, I even put it gently as to not make him think I was attacking him, and it still was my fault on everything. Now I’ve been wondering if I’m really the one who’s the problem, this isn’t a new thing either. For months ever since I met him I’ve been wondering if I’m a narcissist, and my OCD likes to replay that argument and make me wonder if he really was the innocent one and I was the one wrong. He’s admitted to talking to other people that I know, and said that they all thing I’m weak and not capable of something. When I brought that up, he said “I was trying to push you to be the best you can be, but clearly you’re not ready for that.” I just don’t know anymore. I’m so close to just slamming the door on not only him but also the rest of the people who side with him. Can anyone tell me what’s going on? Im not looking for reassurance, I would just like someone who maybe understands why he would do these things. He’s way older than me, I’m 17.

TW: self-hate I’m a mean, petty, angry person. It’s hard not to be when you’re in my position. I know this mindset is closely tied to victim thinking but I’m 19 and I’m scared for my future. I don’t even really know who I am and when I say everybody in my life is on some fake shit I’m not lying. I’m not saying that for attention. I cut people off before they even get to start a conversation with me when I’m out in public because I don’t trust anybody. Female strangers be rude asf to me a lot of the time, male strangers be creepy asf to me most of the time. When I tussle with people I get VERY petty because I hate when people feel comfortable disrespecting me. When I say I had to fight everyone constantly growing up and now I’m an adult having to do the same shit it’s not for attention. And it sucks even more now because if I let my anger get out of control (ties into HOCD) even tho I have no desire to, it would have consequences. Idk I be so angry . I’m so fucking tired everybody in my life has been on some fake shit I can’t even exaggerate it enough. If I told y’all the shit my family be saying and doing to me since I was a child your jaw would drop. And I haven’t had friends for years because I’m socially awkward and weird as fuck. I really hate myself lmao. Idk what I’m looking for. Maybe I’m looking for attention. Maybe I’m looking for hope. I be trying to hard to glow up and become a better me but . I feel so stuck and angry all the time. I wanna know if I’m not the only one tho and if there is anybody who relates, did you get over it?