false feelings

I can’t except that it was ocd this time because I WANTED to think this disgusting thought I didn’t have to but I let myself think it and I was not testing or checking because I know at that time I wanted it any time I feel a bit better it just feels wrong of course I hate the thought and don’t agree with it at all but at the time I wanted to have it I literally remember thinking at first “ no dont think that!” But still wanting to think it and then afterwards making an excuse in my head to think it because I wanted to and I feel so disgusted and scared of myself

Answer please. Does anyone else with intrusive thoughts feel like your addicted to them. Like I can't help but feel like I need to have these intrusive thoughts. Ik it sounds weird but I feel it's true. Like I keep getting blasphemous thoughts and I feel like I need to have them. I know I do not but I can't help but feel like I do. Can OCD do this to you?

Is this ocd? I Have a thought or think something f harmful that I’ve gotten intrusive thoughts about - and get a feeling like I want/like it or it would give me relief??? Please tell me that will eventually go away and I’ll get my real feelings back??? Or have I just turned into those things? Sometimes things that make me upset it even feels like I’ll do them just so I can be upset about them.