Terrified I might've SA'd someone

I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??

Username: Simon Simon

Date posted: 43w ago

This is a super common Real Event OCD theme. I have my own childhood memories that I question as well, similar to your experience. I think most people have memories of early sexual explorations that seem a tad taboo in retrospect. Some people might look back with amusement or think it’s silly, while us OCD sufferers look back with fear and uncertainty. My OCD has been almost entirely centered on taboo sexual themes for twenty years, and it has a way of zooming in with a microscope on nonsensical and ridiculous details. Be kind to yourself, your normal childhood experiences, and try to practice all the OCD tools you know— doing your best to respond to the distressing thoughts and memories with casuality and indifference, even if you are feeling fear.

Username: Northern_DownpourNorthern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w ago

Thank you. I didnt realize this kind of event was common. I dont have a therapy session for another month unless I get lucky. But im freaking out because my OCD is convincing me I'm an abuser and I feel sick. I wish this disorder wasn't so dehabilitating. It's hard to practice my usual coping mechanisms when the themes are taboo.

Username: Simon Simon

Date posted: 43w ago

@Northern_Downpour Your OCD is lying to you. I know it is so difficult when it flares up. I can hardly eat, and I’m in a near constant panic, when it’s at its worst. The taboo themes can be tricky because of the shame and stigma attached, but they’re some of the most common OCD themes. They are treated no differently than other thoughts. The content is irrelevant. You’ll get through this. If possible, try to respond to your OCD thoughts by saying ‘ya maybe I did something bad, or maybe not. I’ll never know for sure’. Try some of these techniques out too: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/how-do-i-stop-thinking-about-this-what-to-do-when-youre-stuck-playing-mental-ping-pong/

Username: Northern_DownpourNorthern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w ago

@Simon I'm going to try the more neutral responses. That article is really helpful. Thank you.

Username: KumiakumiaKumiakumia

Date posted: 22w ago

Something I’ve noticed about social media is that it stigmatizes emotions!! It’s a huge trigger, I get this very much. Youre not alone love <3

Username: Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMeDon’tLoveDra...

Date posted: 43w ago

Thank you for being brave enough to post this💗 I deal with this real event as well as false memory worrying about sexually assaulting someone and if I did how I should handle it etc. This is my simple but DIFFICULT advice: You CANNOT think your way out of rumination. Diaphramic Breathing: Breath in through nose for 5 seconds Then HOLD for 5 seconds (trust me the hold makes ALL the difference) Breath out through mouth for 5 seconds REPEAT in between trying to find: 5 things you see 4 things you can touch 3 things you hear 2 thing you smell 1 thing you taste TIP: look at both sides of the room your in/alternate sides when finding the 54321 stuff This will act like bilateral stimulation and get the LOGICAL side of your brain working👍

Username: annonie12annonie12

Date posted: 43w ago

It’s so common! This was my theme that took me so far into my own head and so far back and down, I finally sought out help. It’s so hard, but common. Focus on the here and now of everything.

Username: Idontknowaus...

Date posted: 1y ago

I suffered cocsa and it makes my ocd go wild.

Tw: sa For those who don’t know what cocsa is it’s child on child sexual abuse. My cousin who was 4 years older then me sa’d me continually until he was an adult. These memories taint and confuse others especially because he disguised his play as abuse. So it’s like nowadays thinking back to when I was playing with other kids, was any of it sexual like it was with him? Obviously I didn’t know it was with him until I got older and he admitted that shit. He told me straight up that he did it on purpose. There were also times where he didn’t even bother to disguise it.. These are the thoughts that consume me. Worried that I sa’d or was sa’d by a family member or friend. God admitting this is scary because I feel most people would fucking hate me. I don’t wanna be a bad person. I feel disgusting in all aspects and I hate being in my mind and body.

Real Events OCD

Username: lily_07

Date posted: 36w ago

panicking

TW !!!!! i’m so scared right now and i just want someone to relate because i feel like an awful awful person, this is an event hat happned when i was 5 or 6 i don’t really know how old i was but i was a young child and with another child who was 2 or 3 years younger than me i can’t really remember the age gap but that’s what terrified me because im scared i did COCSA. ( child on child sexual assault) i feel awful and i have this recurring thought “what if i took advantage of him” and it wont stop. i remember i said to him do you want to see what sex is like and i said but keep your clothes on and he said okay and i want doing it for sexual pleasure because i dont think i really understood or knew what it was but i kept my clothes on and he took all his clothes off when i didn’t want him to (including his underwear)and he got on top of me and was moving and i remember feeling really uncomfortable so i stopped it and i know this might be tmi but i just need to know if i abused him or not because i cant stand the thought, im really struggling and i don’t think there was any evil intent behind what happened but i keep having the recurring thought “what if i took advantage of him” i don’t know what to do i feel like i should turn myself in to the police i feel dreadful

Username: dee012

Date posted: 22w ago

Pocd false memory

very scared and worried i hurt/did something bad to my baby cousin while he was growing up and scared did something to a young family friend when i was growing up. idk how to move past without having answers but I never will get one. how do i even FEEL like im a decent or good person if there’s a chance i did something bad like this growing up? i was very hyper sexual as a kid and did try to touch other kids my age and also did weird things out of curiosity. i also did have things done to me as a kid by other kids idk if by any adults. I’m just scared.

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Terrified I might've SA'd someone

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