I’m going to the police

Hate myself for who I used to be. I used to sleep around. I drove drunk a couple times. I was careless. I’m so ashamed because it’s not who I am and especially not who I am now. I did it because I was lonely. And now I suffer not knowing if I hit or killed or hurt someone. This pain is just draining.

I did post about this the other day, but I’m just genuinely worried like this happened many years ago and I can’t really remember exactly what I said, but I have a feeling like I said something really mean and I think I lashed out on a person like a stranger cause I don’t know I was probably going through something and I’m afraid that like it was so bad it caused them to hurt themselves and now I keep thinking like what if the police are secretly looking for me because the harm caused, even though I have no evidence of any of this, but even this Happened like a deca ago, it still haunts me like I really hope that the person is OK and I constantly like keep reviewing like their conversation over and over again like in my mind like I genuinely feel like a bad person maybe even a criminal 😃

Hey, was hoping someone could resonate with what I’m thinking / feeling. Apologies as it will probably be a long one! Has anyone else had a constant rumination over “consent” me and my partner had a situation two years ago, we were went on a night out, were both pretty drunk (me more than him, but both had quite a bit to drink) had a big argument- we got home and went to bed, in the night, I was half awake, heard him saying my name, I didn’t respond so he rolled over, later on mabye like 10 mins, he said my name again- from his memory, I responded and we were “intimate” how we usually would be, and he said I seemed how I usually would, responded like I typically would and was involved and participating, I woke up the next day, could remember little bits of things, but very very minimal stuff- we talked about it and he was really gutted and listened to the fact I was worried that I couldn’t remember everything, he was so upset- (I don’t think it’s totally unusual for me not to remember intercourse, especially after a few drinks) he totally understood and tbh has dealt with my boundaries perfectly since. At the time I went through a really really bad stage of extreme anxiety and rumination over it (iv also got a bit of trauma with this topic from previous relationships) And it was taking over my life, I posted in a girls group I was in what the situation was, most of the people said that mabye it’s just a bit of boundary setting but it dosent seem like anything was intentional and he seems like a good person who cares about me (which he is) - there was one girl, who replied, and the reply was that I should go to the police, and it was r*p* and that it was taken advantage and all this really strong stuff, obviously being the way I am, my brain has absolutely clung to that comment, and two years down the line, i still cannot shake it off- I know who he is; and I know he’s respectful and is an all round good partner, but the what ifs, doubting, and that comment are still taking over my life to this day. I just don’t know what to think and how to feel anymore 😞 If you managed to read it all, I appreciate it! I know it’s not short so thank you 😊