I need help asap

(quick disclaimer that this is very hard for me to talk about and I’m thankful for any input you ladies could offer.) I’m a first time mom and loving it. However, I noticed my OCD spiking near the end of my pregnancy and it has only intensified since then. It manifests itself in sooo many different ways, at this point it’s getting impossible to manage. I bounced between therapist as a teenager but once I was living alone with my fiancé, I immediately developed a habit of “blacking/blanking out” at the time of my therapy sessions. I tried to reschedule but the same thing would always happen somehow. No pretty way to say it, we’re poor. Lower middle class.. if even. And as I was getting the courage to inquire about a state healthcare-covered therapist, I got a letter saying I was no longer eligible for insurance. I don’t know what to do. My OCD is truly putting my relationship to the test. My fiancé really has no clue how my mind works anymore, he can’t understand my logic (or lack of) and gets frustrated quickly. I’m scared it’ll eventually affect my daughter. Going to my family for help would be a mistake (been there, deeply regret that) and I’m against prescription drugs for many reasons. Does anybody else have OCD? How do you keep it from controlling your life?

Okay so everything is literally a trigger for me due to my family members due to my covers and due to my own clothes and also animals Espically my dogs.Okay so I’m in high school still young these thoughts started happening around this year and has became worst to the point I had to go to a mental institution this summer around June I struggle from sexual ocd where my mind literally sexual everything and I do mean everything I can’t look at my animals because I’m afraid I would want to look at their butts or other areas so I just don’t look at them or my sister we sleep in the same room together I have a bed and she has one I use to like to toss and turn to get comfortable so I would flip sides over again until I fall asleep but now I can’t do that because I use to have a thought of looking at her butt so now I just lay on my side facing the wall I’ve been doing this for the whole summer because she goes back to college in August I also hide my family faces from my preview when we’re all in the living room watching something so I don’t see their private parts what made me go to the mental institution this summer was me having the thought of looking at my sisters underwear drawer I tried to bear the thought by again covering the drawer with my cover from my preview or just looking at my phone all day or making myself go to sleep but o end up just telling her to remove it from our room after a couple days later I couldn’t look at my family faces which made me go to the mental institution because I was afraid I was never gonna be able to look at their faces again the mental institution did not help because I was surrounded by kids I also suffer from pocd so I was triggered a lot I would also not look at their faces or even speak to them only if they spoke to me I was there for five days so when I came back home I got a little better but now I’m back to spiraling and I feel like I’m finna go insane again also when I came back home I literally learned all my siblings who were girls was molested expect my oldest one including me and the sister who I’m scared to look at butt who I sleep with was molested by my father and my other sister was molested by my cousin I as well was molested by my cousin not the same one as my sister my mother isn’t very mentally healthy so she of course felt guilty because she believed it was her fault so she started I guess I would say taking it out on us a little so that made me go insane I even started hitting myself repeatedly we went on vacation after the same day and this asshole of a man keeps showing up at our house I just need a little advice how to cope since I know people up here are a little older than me so any advice I’ll take it please .

hii everyone, so, it has been about 2 or 3 years I’d say since I’ve been dealing with this. let’s just get right into it, so first, whatever I have (which might be OCD, I’m not entirely sure what it is) has taken over basically most of my childhood, and what kills me is that I’ll never get it back. one thing I know is that im not normal, i now get sleepless nights. why you may ask? because of my horrifying thoughts, “if you don’t look up you’ll be praying to the devil and you’ll go to hell!” “if you don’t say ‘God bless them’ their condition will happen to you!” “if you don’t say ‘good yetho 2x’ (idek..) ‘your mom will die 5x’ you’ll die and forget how to read. “if you don’t put your arms up, look directly up at the ceiling because if you look down you’ll pray to the devil so you need to look up, and say ‘Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you forgive me for my sins in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.’ you’ll go straight to hell!” or whenever I touch a wall, i need to touch it with my small finger because if I touch it twice with my pointer finger my body will go to hell. it’s an endless cycle, and what’s even worse is that I may never be able to get help. I’ll never get that life back that I wanna live, and it kills me. I’ve named most of the compulsions and obsessions I have and I have 18 compulsions that are physical and about 5 obsessions that I really don’t wanna name right now. anyway, i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve done a lot of research regarding around disorders, and it’s safe to say that I may have OCD. Now, do i want ocd? absolutely not. however, there’s a family member in my family who has it. so the chances of me having it are strong, i don’t think I’m able to get better until I’m 18. an adult. I’m 12 years old, my mom has noticed my compulsions and me repeating certain words. but she does nothing, absolutely nothing. instead, she just argues with me over it. if I ever tell my mom to sit down and ask her about getting a test, she would probably call me the R-Slur and tell me I’m crazy. Therefore, I’m all alone in this situation with no one to help me. another obsession I have is about me catching cancer if I don’t do a compulsion or I might get paralyzed and get sleep paralysis. It’s so horrifying, there’s more obsessions and compulsions I have but I really don’t wanna name them right now. I cry almost every day because of how exhausted I am, and how much help i truly want to get but I don’t think I ever will. I’m unsure whether or not I have ocd, people tell me to get a diagnosis. but the situation I am in right now makes it impossible. i have no way of getting tested but I have a good feeling I have ocd, if you’re reading this, please try to give me your thoughts and what I should do, and if I even have OCD. Thanks! :))