God help

I'm Christian and I struggle with being close to god a lot but lately I just feel like I will never near a full relationship with god because of this not only that my heart physically hurts because I think about how I want god to allow me to get married and have kids but I don't think that's his will for me I feel like it will never happen and my heart hurts thinking about it and even if god does allow that blessing to come my way l'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting my husband or committing adultery and I'm afraid how he would react to my past and old relationship and ocd I don't think it will ever go away not because I don't think god is powerful enough I know he is I just think he wants that to be my story for the glory of his name and because it keeps me close to him idk I just my heart hurts thinking about not being married and not having kids but l'm trying to accept that in case that isn't his will for me it just really hurts my heart physically im thinking of starting therapy but im scared it wont do anything or God will get upset with me that I couldn’t do it with just him i got put back on pills and im gonna end up going back to therapy i get afraid of death and other things now idk I just don’t wanna upset god

I feel so much for people, especially my parents, brother, and nana right now. I saw a few people I know from college and high school whose mom or dad passed away at a young age and I don’t know what to do about it but worry for mine who are having a hard time emotionally and mentally right now. My mom took a new job because she was previously overworked. She’s in her mid-fifties and her friends are all retired and have nice homes. She traded her old him for a smaller home that she hates. It’s required for her at her new job to complete a license exam and pass but it looks like such a hard exam and she’s so overwhelmed and emotionally drained and can’t stop comparing herself to her friends. I can’t even come up with anything positive to say to her. She feels like she shouldn’t have this much stress at this point in her life. My dad is constantly thinking about politics and it’s frustrating because it’s so toxic to even think like this but he’s stubborn and keeps thinking and talking about it. He’s currently an independent contractor and is having a hard time finding a job and finding clients, so he’s stressed about not bringing any income in. My brother and I are also stressed because we are overworked at our jobs and have been applying for new jobs for over a year and can’t get any. I haven’t had the best experience with my previous jobs because my bosses have been just awful in the past while I worked so hard and over 10 hours a day. My nana has been so lonely for so many years and finally has her friend who is now living close to her. After a month of her friend living with her, her friend fell and broke her hip. I feel so bad for both of them and I just feel like we all can’t win or catch a break. I feel like there’s more bad than good in this world and if there is a God, why would he make it so difficult for us to live in this world. It’s complete torture. I’m seriously so mad at God and why he/she would let this happen.

This is for my christian people, I wish there would be a community group for religious people. I wrote another post where I shared that my dog has something, he vomited out the food he ate for 2 days and now he doesnt want to eat, but he is still energetic and playful. But it scares me cause I dont know if its serious or not, we want to wait it out until we take him to the vet, but still if we would take him we have to wait some days... So uncertainty is really hard. I prayed for him and after that I felt like I dont trust that God will heal him, cause there are still uncertainties. Maybe im hard with myself but i expect that trusting means that I dont feel high anxiety and it gives me a feeling of calmness/peace. I dont feel that now. There were many times when i prayed for healing and there were no healing, so then i said i will never ask for healing but to be as God wants it to be and be with me and help me go through it. This helped me until something happened. I follow 2 man who is christian and at first one of them said to me that I need to trust that God can heal, and if i dont then i should work on that. I thought about it but then ignored it, until i heard it from the second person when i asked him about what to do when i have a health problem and the first thing he said was that I have to trust in the healing power of God... and that made me see that I dont trust it. I question it cause there were times when healing did not came, but i dont expect Him to come down everytime and fix my problems. But if I have to be the one who figures out what I have to do and after all that struggle I find it and say "It was God" that makes me question my faith... I can see someone saying that you just labeled it to God when it was you. I dont say this is the truth but how should i trust God will help me when at the end of the day its on me what will happen,many times its on others too and God wont come down and change me or those people. Then how God helps?