POCD

I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about pedophilia, I was highly addicted to porn for 2 years or more, I even masturbated a couple times to someone younger but when I did that my ocd didn’t trigger or nothing till months after thinking what if I am a pedophile, after that is when I decided to quit porn indefinitely I realized I was going too far,I always thought I was a decent person, I have never hurt anyone, I always had this idea that I could become someone people can look up to or just become someone everyone respected, I’ve always loved sports, my family and video games, but lately I haven’t been able to enjoy any of that it’s like my ocd is making me think I’ve always been like this and all my actual beliefs weren’t real that I’ve always been this horrible person, at first I would get panic attacks and disgust but now I feel kinda numb and I don’t want to feel like that cause it’s making me think that maybe I am one and my mind is getting used to it, I even feel uncomfortable talking about kids or just being around them and I have never been like that . I am a heavy nicotine and weed smoker (I’ve tried to stop since it seems to make them worse). Now it feels like I am a completely different person, I also have a girlfriend who before this i would love with everything in me, and would be afraid to lose her every time we would argue, I would even think about a child with her in the future, but now I don’t even feel love or any attraction or any of the previous feelings I would feel towards my future and I just feel it makes it even worse cause if I’m not attracted to her and all my previous beliefs feel like lies then what can I believe in? Any advice or tips? I’ll be starting therapy this week so I pray there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

i had pocd when i was 11. somehow i did not realize an eleven year old cannot be a pedophile. i couldn't go to church, school, public in general. anywhere with kids. i had days where i would just spend hours crying. i thought i deserved to be executed or something. every time i see people with pocd i want to talk about my experiences, but i get terrified someone will see me saying i had it and misinterpret it. i read a story about a man in an ocd support group with pocd being shunned because people thought his thoughts were true. it was very hard for me to even post about it, out of fear someone will see it and know who i am. i was 11. 11 and i wanted to die. i'm far past it now and i want to be a mother. but it's like a shadow that follows me everywhere.

I just read a horror story about someone with POCD revealing their thoughts to people and getting shunned and now im getting anxious😭. I had wanted to tell a few of my loved ones about it in a very careful way, but now am not sure if it is a good idea (one works in mental health and another does have severe mental illness). I genuinely wonder if me doing this would be exposure or be compulsive or if it’s a bad idea overall