Hi all!
Curious if anyone else has been similar to my story? ROCD has set in majorly once I talked to my partners parents about proposing, and even got a ring. I had never been diagnosed with OCD before this moment, but it makes sense with a string of my past relationships where I suddenly “lose feelings” after nonstop doubts. After starting this process, I suddenly went through non-stop compulsions, calling everyone I knew who loved me asking if the relationship was right, ruminating endlessly, asking myself why I suddenly felt so much anxiety, and that it must be a sign our relationship isn’t right. Started reflecting back on our entire relationship, remembering moments I felt uncertain, and wondering if they were all signs I needed to break up earlier and didn’t, even though most of our relationship has been full of trust, vulnerability, love, etc.
It led to a major depressive episode, where I lost 15 pounds in 2-3 weeks. I started taking Luvox a couple weeks ago, and am doing ERP for the last couple of weeks (though really struggling with it to be honest, because I feel like I constantly cave to ruminations). Currently, my biggest struggle is the thought that occurs that tells me “you two don’t like to do anything together, and you are so different in your interests. You don’t know how to talk to her.” Even though 2 years of our relationship has revealed that we certainly are very different, it didn’t mean we didn’t know how to spend time together, or know how to talk together. But after weeks of that thought happening, I’m finding I feel like I’m almost manifesting it and allowing it to become true. We had a Friday night with no plans where we just got to be together and walk around and spend time, which should be lovely, but I was anxious the whole time and felt like I couldn’t talk or relate. I’m also noticing I’m suddenly questioning if I’m attracted enough to my partner.
It feels like I’m self-sabotaging this relationship I’ve had for two years which has been stable, trusting, and encouraging, and I don’t know how to get back to where I was and just feel better, not be overcome with anxiety and fears, and just be confident, and not spiral into “we don’t have anything to enjoy in spending time together, so you need to break up and end this.” This ROCD stuff is no joke. Very excruciating. It’s made me feel like I have to break up, even though I’ve wanted to get engaged. Anyone else had similar situations? I just feel so guilty, because she’s been so excited, and I feel like I’m not able to love her the way she really deserves.
