I relate to what you’re saying. this will be TMI so be warned; I feel like this was a real event that happened a month or two ago. it was just a normal day & I suddenly decided I wanted to look at porn & do my own thing yk. I have looked at videos (I’m very picky to see what’s pleasant for my eyes) and yk was doing the thing in the meantime. I also read comment sections to find ppl saying freaky stuff to kinda “boost” my session. I have been doin all of this recently to just feel something/feel a connection/feel some attraction.
anyway, this one video pops up along with other videos as recommended and I clicked on it & said the post wasn’t available/removed. I was like “oh ok” and moved to other videos. then I saw the same thumbnail again but another person uploaded it. clicked on it because it was the same as the other ones I’ve been looking at & played the first few seconds.
I did the same as the other videos, started doing my thing, reading comments, but this time it was in Portuguese. couldn’t understand much but with my knowledge of Spanish, I can figure out some words.
so, video is playing in the background for a few seconds & I came across this comment that said somewhere along the lines of “this girl is 14 & is from [city in Brazil I assume]” the only part that got me is the first few words of the comment. I translated this using my imagination with Spanish.
I stopped what I was doing & had a moment of “uhhh what the fuck” & just clicked off the video and went to another one. I think around this time I went to another site to continue my thing even though I wasn’t sure if I should even continue. my thoughts at the time were “just go back to what u were doing. don’t let the thoughts & worries come in. it could just be fake.” & other stuff. then the other part was “but what if I’m just ignoring the issue at hand? what if it’s serious? do I not care?” eventually the first side one. my plan was to go & pleasure myself & be done with it. to be honest, I think I didn’t even really want to in the beginning. I feel like sometimes I force myself. (that’s probably another thing for a post)
then eventually started thinking about the comment again & I began to worry because what if it was true? I mean, anyone can lie online so what if they were just trolling? I don’t know.
It was a while ago, so thinking about it now, I’m not 100% of the steps I did. I started to translate the comment online and got some pretty bad results. they weren’t accurate to me at least. so eventually I found one site and translated it. I searched multiple sites to confirm what I feared it would say would be true. once I saw the best translation, I believe I went back to see the original poster’s thumbnail or something. don’t know. I can’t remember much because I suppressed the memory of this incident ever since. but I remembered the username so I looked it up on the site’s search bar. nothing pulled up but the top of the search said “[x] amount of posts”. where were the posts? I didn’t see them. that made me feel a lot worse because what if that person uploaded more illegal content & people got it removed. or what if I was just being paranoid? I don’t know. but seeing that result convinced me that I most likely stumbled across something illegal and I didn’t know.
I felt sick to my stomach. my heart was racing, anxiety through the roof, my body was shaking, etc. it was horrible. I then started to look up desperately online on what to do if you think you watched something illegal without knowing first. I feel like the results didn’t really help me as much because I was still panicking. I wrote my whole breakdown on paper because I couldn’t even think straight. my handwriting was awful because I was shaking uncontrollably. basically it was me confessing to what just happened.
the entire day I felt shitty. a few days passed and I still felt the same. I kept thinking in my head “I need help. I need to seek therapy now.” but I was so scared of saying what happened in fear of being misinterpreted. like what if I am a creep? why couldn’t I report the video first? I wasn’t sure because the first thing I did was click off the video. does that mean I didn’t care at all? if it’s true, why the fuck would anyone post that? and I felt selfish for just worrying about what I encountered and about me. why didn’t I think of the poor girl first? why just me me me? do I even care? yk all these thoughts.
in the end, I very much KNOW I’m attracted to people my age. I think specifically older. that’s me. yet these thoughts keep beating me down. that day was so bad, I thought if I should just kill myself. how could I live with seeing that, even if it wasn’t the whole video through? how could I live with myself? but for the first time, I didn’t want to kill myself for something like that. I felt selfish for thinking that but I genuinely didn’t want what happened to happen.
anyway, now I just think “what ifs” and it sucks. not my first time with them but with porn. I was so stressed and eventually it led to anger. like why. why why why.
also, why do many videos contain the word “teen”? obviously I’ve never searched this term but it’s literally impossible to avoid seeing in video titles. I get that it’s 18-19 year olds but why but “teen”? am I the only one who finds it quite creepy when they put that in titles? especially with other words like “cute teen ___” or something like that. also, sometimes the thumbnail will be the 18-19 year old & then some like old fuck/middle-aged person on them. like to me, that is crazy. it just seems creepy for older people to even be sexually interacting with these young people. like go do it with someone your age!!!
