Hey guys. My thing right now is that I’ll think about times when I’ve kissed my boyfriend and in the moment I’ll be very happy, but now the thoughts of just “Why did you do that!” “You shouldn’t have done that!” Keep racing in my head. Like when I’m alone with him I’m fine but then my ROCD steps in and makes it seem like everything I’m doing is wrong.

This weekend, my boyfriend came to visit me. Before he arrived, I had so many compulsions—I was constantly seeking reassurance, even talking to ChatGPT right up until he got to my house. When he arrived, I tried to listen to what ChatGPT had told me and focus on being present. Even though I still had intrusive thoughts, I was able to feel better at times—I felt love, I wanted to kiss him, and I had moments of connection. But at the same time, there were moments where he would speak kindly to me or express his feelings, and I would have thoughts like “I don’t care about him” or “I feel nothing.” I didn’t feel the compassion I thought I should, and that scared me. Still, overall, I felt relatively better than usual. I had NOCD uninstalled until now, and on Wednesday, I have my first therapy appointment. But now, I’m doubting whether I even need therapy. I start thinking: “What if I can heal on my own?” or “What if going to therapy is a mistake?” And the worst one: “What if I go and realize I don’t have ROCD, and I actually just don’t like my boyfriend?” My boyfriend keeps trying to help me see things rationally. He told me that I have unrealistic expectations of love and that I don’t need to feel constant affection to be in love. He also told me that if I truly didn’t love him, I wouldn’t be feeling so much distress about this. And logically, I know that’s true, but intrusive thoughts still scream the opposite. After he left, I started feeling irritated with him when he talked through messages on the gc woth me and my best friend, like I couldn’t stand him, and that thought scared me. I also had moments thinking about that boy from school, that my mind was scared if me thinking about that random boy i dont know because a while ago i was scared of looking at other boys, ghinking im a horible gf . When I kissed my boyfriend, sometimes his image popped into my head, and I felt terrible. My boyfriend tells me that since I feel guilty and distressed, it’s proof that I love him—because I wouldn’t be this anxious if I didn’t care. But then I get thoughts saying the exact opposite. It’s like my mind keeps creating arguments to convince me that my worst fear is real. I’m exhausted

So me and my boyfriend have been dating for a few months but seriously talking for around 8. I have never met anyone so perfect and amazing. I love him so much. Into our talking stage i kissed my ex situation-ship and ever since have been dealing with the consequences. He forgave me and gave me another chance and i have shown him how much i care every day since. He is over it now since it was only in our talking stage. I have had thoughts with my ex name, thoughts i hate my boyfriend, always constantly thinking if im bored, if i love him. It switches day by day and impacts my life constantly. I don’t feel like myself at all. Some days i can’t do it. I just want to be happy and secure with him. my thought from the past few days is that i want to be single and hook up with other people. I don’t actually want to hook up with others but i feel so terrible and guilty. Does anyone else deal with this? Sometimes i can’t tell the difference between my real thoughts and the fake ones. I have been debating breaking up with my boyfriend because i feel like it’s best but i would be so sad. He is perfect and i see myself marrying him.

When i do the compulsion of checking if i want my bf or a girl it always makes me feel like with my bf i cant kiss 1nd then i am like this is because of ocd but when i then think about kissing a woman it feels like it would go easy , shouldnt the compulsion bring me peace like bad reassurance ? Does this mean i am not into men , it feels way to similar ,like my intrusive thoughts are like normal thoughts