I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity and I don’t even know who I am anymore. My OCD is saying I’m not a woman but I hate that. And I fear that it isn’t OCD, and that I just genuinely am trans or gender fluid or something. I just can’t accept that no matter how hard I try. All I want is to feel like myself again. Pronouns are a trigger for me and they’re literally EVERYWHERE. It’s just so difficult. In a way, I miss having harm OCD or existential OCD or even health OCD because atleast I was still me. But it isn’t fair to say that because as I was going through them, they were awful. The grass is always greener I guess. I’m just feeling a little bit hopeless and alone, because I don’t think ‘gender questioning’ is a very common theme.

How do you manage spikes? I’m a female who suffers from HOCD. I was reading the book “Brainlock” and I got to the section of Reattribute. Doing another task to counter giving into my compulsions. I decided to take the extra step and do ERP on my own by looking at images of lesbian couples. I’m finally getting treatment after 6 years of dealing with it off and on. More “masculine” lesbians trigger me the most. I was able to stand looking at the images for awhile but I could feel my anxiety at basically 100% but I kept going. Then I felt like I actually liked the images. I didn’t have a groin response but there was a jump in my chest, a emotional response. Like, I was genuinely attracted. Like the attraction was there and my mind was confused and disconnected from my body. I had never felt this way before. For two days now I’ve dealt with a feeling of anxiety sitting in my chest. I don’t want to eat or sleep, this is the lowest I’ve ever gone. My body feels like it wants that. I haven’t been to sleep and when I do, the thought is waiting when I get up. I feel like I may actually want this and when I try to accept it, my mind won’t let me. So then I’m sucked back into fighting and I feel like I set myself up when I should have avoided it. I see my new therapist Monday, but if you’ve experience this or know any encouraging messages that can help me get through it till I see them, it would be great.

Struggling hard today. Really hard. I seem to have identified my “core fear” that’s underlying most of my recent themes: I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I am “deep down.” I’m afraid my identity is a fraud. I’m afraid I don’t know myself and never will. And I’m afraid to know who that “real” person is. I’m afraid knowing it would mean losing all attachment to everything I have in my life now. I use quotes because rationally if I were talking to someone else on here I know I’d tell them there is no “deep down,” and there is no secret more “real” person. I’d tell them to sit with the doubt and learn to tolerate it. I’d tell them it will get easier with practice. And yet right now, I am at such a high distress level I can barely think. I’ve been having an anxiety attack for 4.5 hours now. And it won’t stop. All of this was triggered by being home with family for thanksgiving. Being home means being in an environment with people who know me and have known me my whole life. I know they have a specific image of me and think they know me. And sitting next to the people I care about most in the world and not being sure that the image they have is “real” is terrifying. If I’m someone else entirely, I worry I’ll lose them. And even if I don’t lose them, I worry they’ll lose me — lose their daughter that they have known and loved for so long. I would hate to make them mourn the loss of me and have to accept some new/different version that even I barely know. The distress of defining my identity and being comfortable with it has been weaving in and out of my themes the past few years: ROCD, HOCD, TOCD. I’m not sure how it fits into my themes from youth (health ocd and existential ocd.) but it may if I dug a little deeper. I don’t know who I am. And I’m trying to remind myself to do what I tell everyone to do: “maybe there are parts of me deep down I don’t know. Or maybe not. I don’t know. And I don’t need to know with any more certainty than I have in this moment.” Sit with that. But the anxiety just won’t stop. I wish I knew exactly who I was. Being so unsure makes me feel uncomfortable just being with myself. And I can’t believe that we all have to live with a disorder that can make us feel this way based on absolutely nothing but doubt.