I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I don't usually post on here because it could end up becoming a compulsion or could be seen as reassurance seeking but I think I just need a place to vent and to also get some encouragement and peer support. I am really struggling with my intrusive thoughts and feelings today. All of it feels extremely real and convincing. Right now, I feel thoroughly convinced that I have already identified as either a lesbian or bisexual. I have been diagnosed with OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist years ago and I still feel convinced that it isn't OCD. I keep feeling as if I am just using OCD as a cover-up / as an excuse to deny my “actual” sexual orientation / to hide the “fact that I'm actually lesbian / bisexual”. I have been practicing ERP whenever my schedule allows but it's tough... ERP typically works for me but on days like today, it doesn't seem to be working and that makes me doubt if I have OCD or not. At the same time, I am also convinced that ERP isn't working and I am secretly in denial / struggle with comphet / have internalised homophobia (which makes it worse because my family is homophobic and most of my intrusive thoughts have been targeting that / using that as evidence). Feeling really scared and hopeless... 😞

I'm going to preface this with: I just wanna vent a bit. Maybe show you a piece of my and many others' experiences. I just need feedback, not even reassurance. This is what some of if not most of my days look like. I keep asking if it's just OCD. I've been stuck researching and ruminating, anxious, trying to figure out whether I'm having OCD or going into the territory of sexual deviation. My thoughts involve multiple taboos and also fears of sexual abuse. I just can't tell sometimes, and I'm scared. I keep asking myself whether OCD hasn't changed my morals, why I'm desensitized to the unthinkable, and I feel like I am beyond repair. I've read about everything from arousal nonconcordance, to groinals, to even false attraction - and I'm not sure if it isn't just all cope to deny a real problem. Did I get desensitized when it came to Harm OCD too? Sure. Was I panicking? You bet I was. But it once again feels like OCD has gathered enough evidence to make me anxious again. It all feels too real, like too much. I've been anxious for the past few hours just stuck. Pure O is a living hell - if it still is Pure O. I keep looking into my past, asking myself "Does this increase the risk of me being a pervert?" "I've heard childhood trauma can lead to paraphilia - what if that's happening?" "I was exposed to NSFW at a young age - oh my god, what if I end up being a r*pist?". I question every decision I've made, my reactions and behavior, I look for symptoms to confirm or deny whether I am a sociopathic deviant. I avoid certain situations because I fear getting the intrusive thoughts, experiencing attraction or straight up finding out I'm someone I don't want to be (even though all of that sounds absolutely insane and irrational). Whenever I see a trigger, I immediately start checking if I'm feeling something. I can't even look in the general direction of it because I'm afraid I will feel something. I tend to physically avoid triggers. Sometimes I feel like people around me can sense my OCD and look at me because of it, then stay away from me from sheer disgust. Sometimes I'm afraid of even my own imagination - it's very vivid and detailed which would be a great thing.. if I didn't have OCD to use it against me by giving me mental images of the most disgusting and abhorrent scenes imaginable. I'm afraid of doing art because I feel like I'll lose control and draw something deeply disturbing, or somehow uncover some hidden truth about me in the process. It really sucks. I can't be the only one in this, right?? I can't be the first person on planet earth to have gone through this exact torment? You guys, I just need advice / support. Please, to anyone who's gone through something similar, feel free to share your experiences. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, seriously.