I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

Thank you both for responding and trying to find solutions. I truly appreciate your compassion. My life has been less stressful lately, which is why I thought I could handle signing up for this series. I do feel loved in general, but OCD often convinces me that others love the person I’m “pretending” to be and not the “real” me. I think a little preparation and planning for a really thorough decompression and relaxation after is important. Today, mid-day, my panic finally broke. While I’m still in an anxious state, I’ve found the ability to function again. For now, I’m going to keep trying. I hate to back out of a challenge like this; that’s just showing my OCD that it won. I am allowing for the possibility that I may pull out of the classes later on if it doesn’t improve, but I’m going to try just a little longer, and see if I can overcome. Being brave in these situations is so hard. The mind and body make every second feel like life and death. The fight/flight response turns on and for me, it’s very hard to turn off. Again, thank you both for responding and for anyone who read. After I wrote this post originally, I felt a little better just knowing I’d shared and put my fears out into the world a little. I tend to internalize and keep everything to myself. It’s always a big step for me to ask for help, acceptance, or compassion. I’m glad I did.

That sounds horrible, seems like you’ve had a series of unpredicted unfortunate negative events. Perhaps you’re too stressed out to deal with such a level of exposure at the moment. How much stress do you have in life in general right now? Do you feel supported and loved in general? Maybe you should try to do what you can to sleep and rest, and slowly get back at it again, trying to stay healthy and keeping a good foundation for treating yourself. Remember that OCD is your enemy and that this is just one skirmish in a long war. In the end OCD NEVER wins the war.

Hey there, I wish you to get better soon! I agree with @ejgh, sounds like too strong an exposure. If you want to stick to these classes, maybe try preparing yourself to them? Not pushing away thoughts about how you felt during the class when it’s over, but trying to sit with discomfort when you’re safely home?

And I’ve just remembered how I used to be triggered at mo yoga classes too. It was the worst. So I know it’s hard.