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to my knowledge, backdoor spike is the obsession about why you don't feel the anxiety or panic when you have these thoughts or scared that you are crazy. That sounds exactly like what you are experiencing. "One of the most pernicious manifestations of the denial obsession occurs with what is known as a “backdoor spike”. This occurs when the OCD sufferer starts to experience less anxiety in response to their unwanted thoughts, and then begins to obsess that they are not anxious enough about these thoughts. When this occurs, the person with OCD often sees this as further evidence that they have been in denial all along." sourced from https://ocdla.com/doubt-denial-ocd-5342#:~:text=One%20of%20the%20most%20pernicious,anxious%20enough%20about%20these%20thoughts.

Sorry to hear about your sister's father passing. The backdoor spike is basically when someone is induced with panic because they weren't worrying about something they're expecting to worry about. You worry about not worrying

From my experience with OCD, it’s always looking for SOMETHING to latch onto— even if that something is a good thing like not having as many panic attacks— my ocd is me checking to see if the same thoughts make me anxious, like my brain wants to test to see if I’m over it or not. All of these habits are still OCD because OCD is all about the fear of lack of control and fear of unwanted things happening— so what if you tried changing your mindset to “it’s okay if I have a panic attack right now! In fact, I want one, bring it on!” For me this has made all the difference. When the idea of a panic attack turns into something that is welcome and you want (which sounds crazy, I know), it actually takes all of the power away because suddenly it’s not forbidden or a bad thing